My heart is pounding. It’s been years since I’ve said the words out loud, and I’m scared. I’m scared of reliving every footstep and every gunshot and every scream, every tire squeak. It terrifies me to go back there.
It terrifies me to put into words how the guilt I carry drives me every day—drives my independence.
I don’t want anyone to depend on me. That’s when I fuck it all up.
As proven by this whole situation right now. People depend on me to find this killer, and what do I do? Almost get my best friend killed. And myself, yeah. But Bek…
Adrenaline sizzles through me. It’s not a hyped adrenaline. It’s a slow, gentle buzz of strength and apprehension. The same one I felt on that day… The day I was always supposed to make a difference but blew it all.
“It was huge,” I say softly, wrapping my arms around my midsection.
Drake stops in the doorway at my words.
“We’d been working on the case for months. Almost a year, gathering evidence, surveillance, informants. We even had a two guys undercover. We were working with the Texas Rangers to get it done, and that night was it. That was the night we’d get the bust.”
I’m shaking.
“I can still see it. We all got in our unmarked cars, and at points through the day, we got to the warehouse where all the exchanges would be taking place. We took our places and we waited. It was in silence. None of us could speak.” I hug myself tighter. “I begged…begged…my boss to change his mind, to put one of the more qualified officers in my place. I’d never made the calls before and I was scared. All of these officers…potentially hundreds of lives… They were all under my control. But if I got it right…” I squeeze my eyes shut to fight back the harsh sting. “If I got it right and there was no other option, then I’d save so many people and I’d have gotten the promotion to Detective in a heartbeat. I wanted that move so badly that I stopped fighting and accepted that this was my responsibility.”
Drake doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t speak. He just…stares at me. Watches as I feel the cracks begin to form in my façade. In my heart.
“One hundred and forty-three kids,” I whisper. “My job was to save all of these missing children and make the call that’d save them from a life of unimaginable horror. The trafficking ring had been growing in Dallas and Fort Worth for years, and this was the closest we’d ever come. We knew that, if we got the little guys and gave the right plea bargains, they’d squeak on the big guys. And, even if we didn’t catch them, we’d get the kids.”
The rumble of the truck pulling up to the warehouse thunders in my mind.
“The signal from our guy on the inside was wrong. I made the wrong call. We moved too early. Barely any of the kids had been removed from the truck. Shots were being fired everywhere. One of the kids got injured. One of my colleagues died. Loads of others were injured—some seriously, some barely grazed. We saved fifteen children. Out of one hundred and forty three. Because I acted before I thought. I should have seen that the signal was too early and waited. That’s what the others would have done. They never said it, but I knew.”
Silence dances between us for a moment. Then I wipe away a tear that’s slipping down my cheek and look up at Drake.
“There you go. Now, you know. The single biggest fuck-up of my life and the one that changed everything. I live with the guilt every day, even if I don’t focus on it anymore. That’s why I’m so independent. I learned that day that I can’t lead a team that needs to be by my side. I need to be alone and do the things I do when I want to. I’m independent because I’m scared to be anything else.”
Drake rubs his hand down his face, pinching his lips at the end. He shudders out one long breath that echoes in the silence of the room. “Fuck. Sweetheart, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I perch on the edge of the bed. “I have enough apologies of my own. It happened. The guys were caught a couple months later, but all the kids weren’t. I left the day after. I was back in Holly Woods within a week. I’ve accepted it and spent every day since trying to make it better in my own mind. But that’s why.” I look up and meet his gaze. “I need to be independent. I need to protect myself because I’m the only person I can count on. It’s why it’s so damn hard for me to hand it over to you.”
“You’re just waiting for someone to let you down, aren’t you?” he asks quietly, his eyes narrowing. “You’re just waiting for someone to do to you what you did to the kids.”
I run my tongue over my top lip but don’t answer.
He doesn’t need me to answer.
“You’re waiting for me to do it, aren’t you?”
I take a deep breath and get up, turning away from him. “I want you to protect me, but I wish you wouldn’t. I want you to not treat me like I’m a paper bag in the middle of a thunderstorm, but I want you to be there when I need you because I’m selfish. I want you to tell me everything but keep the things that’ll hurt to yourself. I want you to keep me safe, but at the same time, I want you to let me keep myself safe. I’m a walking fucking contradiction, Drake. I have no idea what I really want. I just know that I’m so mad at you right now because you didn’t tell me something so huge.”
“And knowing what I know now…if you knew, you wouldn’t have agreed to work with the police, would you?”
“Hell no!” It comes out as a shout, and I cover my mouth. “No,” I say, letting my hand fall. “Not in a million damn years.”
“Then I’m glad I kept it. You know we need you. You know you’re the best detective we don’t have.”
“That doesn’t make it better!” I turn to look at him. “Not for me. All of these people… They’re dying. There’s probably someone right now in this town getting kidnapped because they missed out on me. I don’t want to have anything to do with this case. I don’t want you to tell me a single thing about it.”
He shrugs. “All right. I won’t.”
“You won’t? But I want you to. I want you to ignore me, dammit!”
“What the—you just said not to!”
“I know!” I run my fingers through my hair again. “See? Contradiction. Walking. Talking. Contradictions shouldn’t be able to walk or talk! So tell me everything, but at the same time, don’t.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” he mutters, the words muffled by the sound of him pulling his shirt over his head. He throws it into the hamper. “I have no idea if I love you or severely dislike you right now.”
What did he just say?
Oh no. He didn’t.
He did.
He just L-worded me.
Holy fucking shit.
“Did you just… Did you…” I trail off, my heart thumping. Oh God, it’s not even two-stepping. It’s like a waltz, a rumba, and a salsa all mixed together. My pulse is thundering in my ears.
“Did I just tell you I love you?” Drake lifts an eyebrow.
“Y-yes. That.”
“Would it scare you if I told you I do?”
“Yes. It’d terrify me.”
“Good. It should.” He walks toward me. His toned body isn’t even enough of a distraction for me right now.
Drake runs his thumb along my jaw then brushes it across my lower lip. My skin is on fire under his touch.
“I figured that, while we’re apologizing and making admissions, I should make my own,” he says softly. “You just told me your biggest secret. Your biggest fear. Well, mine is losing you. You get that, bella? My biggest fear is you not being here anymore. I don’t always protect you right. Maybe I should talk to you more, but it’s instinct. It just happens. I can’t control it where you’re concerned. So, yes, I do want you to stay here until this case is done. I’m selfish. I need you where I know you’re safe. And that’s all for one reason.”
“Please don’t,” I whisper. “If you say it, then it’s real.”
“You think the words are what makes it real? No. You do. Every time you sass me or laugh or get territorial.” His lips quirk up. “That’s what makes it real.”