I went into the house. “Tell me, dearest Golde, what is Ahronchik doing here?” I asked.
“How should I know? He’s one of your friends,” she said.
“Where is he?”
“He went with the children for a stroll in the woods.”
“A stroll? Out of the clear blue sky? Why?” I asked my wife to bring me food. Having finished eating, I wondered why I was so worked up. If a person came to visit, did I really have to be in such a huff? On the contrary.
Just then I looked up. My girls were walking with the young man, carrying bouquets of flowers. First came the two younger ones, Teibl and Beilke, and behind them, my Shprintze with Ahronchik.
“Good evening!”
Ahronchik was standing in a peculiar way, stroking his horse, chewing a blade of grass. Then he declared, “Reb Tevye! I want to do some business with you. Let’s trade horses.”
“You haven’t found anyone else to make fun of?” I said.
“No, I am very serious,” he said.
“You are really serious? How much did your horse cost?”
“How much,” he said, “do you think he’s worth?”
“I’m afraid he’s worth three hundred rubles and maybe a bit more.”
He burst out laughing and said the horse cost more than three times as much. “So? Are we making a trade?” he said.
I didn’t like the way this conversation was going. What did he mean, he would trade his steed for my shlimazel! I told him to put it off for another time. Was that the reason he had come here? I asked him jokingly. If so, it was a wasted trip.
He answered me in all seriousness. “I came here, actually, for another reason. Be so kind as to take a little stroll with me.”
What kind of stroll did he have in mind? I wondered, but went along with him to the woods. The sun had long ago set, the green woods were darkening, the frogs from the pond were croaking, and the grass was deliciously fragrant. Ahronchik walked and I walked; he was silent and I was silent. Then he stopped and cleared his throat. “Reb Tevye! What would you say if I told you that I love your Shprintze and want to take her as my wife?”
“What would I say?” I said. “I’d say you could take the place of a madman without anyone noticing.”
“What do you mean?” He stared at me.
“I mean what I said!”
“I don’t understand you.”
“That’s a sign,” I said, “that you aren’t terribly bright. As it is written: The wise man hath eyes in his head—a smart man understands with a wink, but a fool needs a stick.”
“I’m speaking very plainly to you and you answer me with jokes and quotations!” He was angry.
“Every cantor sings the way he can,” I said, “and every preacher preaches his own way. If you want to know what kind of preacher you are, talk it over beforehand with your mother. She will straighten you out.”
“Do you consider me a child who has to ask his mother?”
“Certainly you have to ask your mother, and your mother will surely tell you that you’re an idiot, and she will be right,” I said.
“She’ll be right?”
“Definitely. She will be right because what kind of husband are you for my Shprintze? How is she your equal? And most important,” I said, “what have I to do with your mother?”
“If that’s the case, Reb Tevye, you have made a grave error! I am not a boy of eighteen and am not seeking in-laws for my mother. I know who you are, and I know who your daughter is. I like her, and that’s the way I want it, and that’s the way it will be!”
“Forgive me,” I said. “I see you have taken care of one side of the family. Have you settled with the other side?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I mean my daughter Shprintze,” I said. “Have you talked this over with her, and what does she have to say about it?”
He looked insulted but gave a little smile. “What kind of question is that? Of course I’ve talked to her about it, and more than once — several times. I come here every day.”
Do you hear that? He comes every day, and I don’t know about it! I’m an ass, not a man! I should be given straw to chew! If that’s the way I let myself be led by the nose, I will be bought and sold! I’m a horse’s ass!
That was what I was thinking as I entered the house with Ahronchik. He said goodbye to my family, jumped on his horse, and rode off to Boiberik.
Now we will, as you say in your books, leave the prince and follow the princess, Shprintze. “Answer me something, my daughter,” I said. “What has this Ahronchik discussed with you of such importance without my knowing about it?”
Does a tree answer? She blushed, lowered her eyes like a bride, swallowed a full mouthful of water, and — silence!
Bah! I thought to myself. If you don’t want to talk now, you’ll talk to me a little later. Tevye is not a woman. He has time! I waited awhile and watched for the moment when we would be alone. Then I said to her, “Shprintze, do you at least know him, this Ahronchik?”
“Of course I know him,” she said.
“Do you know he is nothing but a pennywhistle?”
“What is a pennywhistle?”
“It’s an empty walnut shell that whistles.”
“You are mistaken,” she said. “Arnold is a good person.”
“So now he’s Arnold,” I said, “not Ahronchik the charlatan?”
“Arnold is not a charlatan. Arnold has a good heart. Arnold,” she said, “comes from a house of corrupt people who care only about money and more money.”
“So, Shprintze,” I said, “you’ve also become an enlightened philosopher who despises money?”
I could see that things had gone quite far and that it was too late to go back because I know my daughters. Tevye’s daughters, as I once told you, when they get attached to someone, it’s with their entire life and heart and soul! And I thought to myself, Fool! Why should I want to be wiser than the whole world? Maybe God wished that through this quiet Shprintze I would come out ahead, be repaid for all the blows and pains I’d endured till now, have a good old age, and perhaps also have a decent life. Maybe it was fated that one of my daughters become a millionairess. And why not? Was I too proud? Where was it written that I always had to be a pauper, always dragging around with the horse and cheese and butter to stuff the mouths of the Yehupetz rich folks? Who knew, maybe it was inscribed Above that in my old age I would be a righter of wrongs, a philanthropist, entertain guests, and perhaps sit down with other Jews to study Torah.
Those and other such satisfying thoughts filled my head. As it is written in the Morning Prayers, Many are the thoughts in a man’s heart—or as a Gentile says, “An idea enriches a fool!”
I went into the house, took my old one aside, and had a talk with her. “How would it be,” I said, “if our Shprintze became a millionairess?”
“What’s a millionairess?” she asked.
“A millionairess means a millionaire’s wife.”
“What’s a millionaire?”
“A millionaire is a person who has a million.”
“How much is a million?”
“If you’re such a moron and don’t know how much a million is, what is there to talk about?”