“And so I toddled off to my agent and I said to him, ‘Listen here, Zaynvel, it’s like this: the whole world is burning out, why take chances? I want you to insure my store.’
“ ‘You don’t say,’ he says, giving me a weird grin.
“ ‘How come you’re smiling at me like a freshly laid-out corpse?’ I ask him.
“ ‘Because I’m feeling so good and so bad,’ he says.
“ ‘If you’re feeling so good, how come you’re feeling so bad?’ I ask him.
“ ‘I’m feeling so bad,’ he says, ‘because I insured you before. And I’m feeling so good because I’m not doing it again.’
“ ‘How come?’ I ask.
“ ‘Because,’ he says, ‘you already bamboozled me once.’
“ ‘When did I bamboozle you?’ I ask.
“ ‘When you burned out the last time,’ he says with the same grin.
“ ‘You might at least say you’re sorry it happened, you young jerk!’ I say.
“ ‘Am I sorry it happened!’ he says — and he laughs right in my face.
“Doesn’t that beat all for sheer crust? You can guess for yourselves that I went somewhere else. Who did he think he was scaring? Hamibli eyn kvorim bemitsrayim—in plain Yiddish that means that there’s more than one insurance company in Russia. Good lord, there are as many agents around as fleas on a dog! And so I found a young fellow who had just landed his first job and was looking for business. You can guess for yourselves that he was happy to insure me, and for a good ten thousand at that — and why not? Don’t I look like a man who might have ten thousand smackers’ worth of goods in his store? Tovar voborotye, as the goyim say — that’s easy come, easy go in plain Yiddish … Now they’re all saying, those Boheslav Jews, that I never carried that much stock in the first place. Who do they think they’re scaring? Let them talk, let them squawk, let them just try to prove it — and as for the rest, to hell with them all and forget it!..
“It was a lucky thing that at the time, when I took out the policy, no one in Boheslav knew a thing about it, so that it went through without a hitch. It was only after the accident, when I was burned out a second time, that our brother Jews began running to the agents. What company was I insured with? And when was the policy taken out? And how much was it for?… And when they discovered that it was for ten thousand rubles, the fur began to fly. Great God Almighty! Ten thousand rubles? Our Moyshe-Mordechai is going to get away with ten whole thousand rubles?… A black plague take them all! What was it to them if I got my ten thousand? Was it any skin off their noses if some cash came my way? Suppose the opposite had happened and the fire had left me flat broke — would they have given me a refund?… But no, you don’t fool around with Boheslav! In Boheslav they run a clean town! It’s a town of such great saints, Boheslav is, that you better not try any funny stuff!.. As if they couldn’t see with their own eyes what a tragedy I had had — why, we barely escaped with our lives, not to mention the damage!.. And supposing it wasn’t as great as all that, so what? You’d think they would sooner break every bone than see me get paid for any of it … Although even supposing I get it all, the full ten thousand, I ask you: what of it, what? Why should anyone lose any sleep over it? The man burned? Let him burn! If you don’t like it, you can go and burn too! Put yourselves in his shoes and you would see what this means to him. Did it ever occur to you that he might have children at home? That he might have a daughter to marry off, an absolute pearl of a child who’s everything a father can ask for? That he might have to watch her become an old maid, because he can’t afford to pay a matchmaker? That he might also have a son, a boy with a brain that’s one in a million, who’s wasting away because there’s no money to send him to school? That he might literally be killing himself, bleeding himself white — and for who? For his own family!.. But no one even thinks of that! Everyone looks at me crosswise and says, ulai yerakheym—shall I tell you what that means in plain Yiddish? It means that maybe, God forbid, I may end up with something in the bank. That’s what they’re afraid of — and as for the rest, to hell with them all and forget it!..
“You know what, though? I’ll be honest with you. If some poor storekeeper like me begrudges me the money, that doesn’t bother me so much; it’s only natural for him to be jealous when he’d like to have it himself. But what excuse does a rich Jew have? And the person who burns me up the most is the son of the richest Jew in town. He’s a real know-it-all, but a good Jew, a warm Jew, a smart young fellow with a heart of gold who won’t take a penny’s interest on a loan and gives to charity like there’s no tomorrow; in short, a decent, a fine human being; it’s just that whenever he sees me, he stops me and says, ‘What’s new with your claim? I hear you lost a bundle in that fire’—and he puts his hands in his pockets, lets his tummy hang out, gives me a look like a satisfied cow, and makes a face I’d love to stick a fist in … and I have to grin and bear it! What else can I do? Pshoyt neveyloh, it says, ve’al titstoreykh—do you know what that means in plain Yiddish? It means that a pinch in the cheek brings out the color … If only the police investigation would be over already. Have I ever been given the third degree! The detective keeps calling me back, each time he’s got some new question … Of course, it’s all water off a duck’s back, since what’s there to worry about? They can’t scare me, because they have nothing on me, not when I’m as clean as the driven snow … They even made me sign a paper that I wouldn’t leave Boheslav, but you can see that I travel when and where I please, just to show those Boheslav Jews what I think of them. Koyl dikhfin yeysey veyitzrokh—in plain Yiddish that means that if they can’t stand to be without me, they’ll just have to travel with me — and as for the rest, to hell with them all and forget it!..
“Maybe you think that with a claim like mine, the company won’t come to terms? Well, Mr. Know-it-all should only get a smack in his fat puss for every thousand rubles I could have gotten already! Then why haven’t I taken them, you ask? That just shows how little you know me! I happen to be, you should know, a tough customer myself, I’m not such an easy nut to crack. My philosophy is, hekhiloysoh linpoyl—that means once you’ve gone the first step in plain Yiddish — then nofoyl tipoyl—you may as well go the whole hog … What about the investigation? But an investigation never hurt anyone. Why let it scare me when they have nothing on me, because I’m as clean as the driven snow?… It’s just a crying shame that they’re holding up my money, because I happen to be good and hard-pressed, my creditors have me by the throat. That’s what hurts! I swear, it drives me up the wall; after all, in the end I’ll get the money anyway, there’s not a thing they can do about it, so why drag it out for no good reason? All I want is what I have coming. Why take it out on my kids, you childmurderers? Am I asking for so much? Give me my ten thousand rubles, my children’s money! Do you think I want it for myself? It’s for them, I tell you! Give me their money and leave me in peace! You go your way and I’ll go mine — and as for the rest, to hell with it all and forget it!..