But my actions went against everything I learned in Afghanistan.
Instead of living life to the fullest and making the most of every minute, I sort of withdrew. I shied away from things I really enjoyed, from the people I really loved, because living life to the fullest felt too hard.
Living life to the fullest was dangerous.
It was easier to avoid commitment, avoid attachments, and be solitary because part of me thought it would hurt less. Some of those men were like brothers to me. Their lives ended in the blink of an eye.
I went and stood at their funerals and watched their loved ones cry. I watched Prior’s wife cry over his gravesite while she cradled the baby daughter he never got to meet.
How was that fair?
How was it fair that he died and I got to live?
What made my life more valuable than his?
And so I retreated. I spent my days working out and filling my time.
I didn’t want to live that way anymore.
Honor was the light that flooded my darkness. She was the glasses to my partially blind eyes. Her kisses were like balm to my wounded soul. Her determination to survive even when odds were against her was my wakeup call.
I told her I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle her. I didn’t mean sexually. I had that shit handled. That woman turned to putty in my hands. I meant emotionally. Honor was the kind of woman that would make me fall. It would be hard and fast, and once I was in love with her, I knew I would love her forever.
What if she died too?
What if I gave her everything I had and then she was taken from me?
I wouldn’t survive it.
But I didn’t want to live without her either.
I steered the Jeep in between two white lines and shifted it into park. I glanced out the windshield and did a double take. I hadn’t planned on coming here. I left her standing at the front door, wearing those tight jeans and furry boots, and I went on autopilot.
I glanced at the sign in the window of the shop and laughed.
It was the kind of laugh that expelled some of my worry and replaced it with a lighter feeling—a feeling of rightness.
It was time I made more out of my life. I would forever mourn the men that died, but I couldn’t act like I died too. I didn’t. I was still here. I still had the opportunity to be one lucky bastard. Yeah, the thought of losing Honor scared the shit out of me.
But she was young. She was healthy. We weren’t in a war zone. The odds were in our favor.
Except, of course, for one thing.
Lex.
He was a threat to me. To Honor.
I was trained to eliminate threats. Eliminating him would be a freaking pleasure.
I yanked the keys out of the engine and stepped out onto the pavement. I felt better now that I had some sort of plan.
But first, there was something I had to do.
29
Honor
I heard his Jeep crunching over the gravel in the driveway and my pulse immediately picked up. It’d been only hours since I saw Nathan last, but I missed him. He was never far from my mind the entire day.
My mother seemed to know it too. She kept giving me these knowing looks and asking coy questions about Nathan whenever she could work them into the conversation.
My father, of course, seemed oblivious to it all so I spent most of my time with him. I stayed through dinner and then drove home. I wanted to get here before dark… It gave me a chance to check all the closets and showers for anyone who might be lurking.
And yeah, I was totally anxious to see Nathan again.
Before he left, he said he’d be back tonight and he would take me to his place. Good Lord, his place. My body was still humming from what he did to me on that coffee table. But I was also hungry… hungry for more.
Part of me hoped we did very little sleeping in the king-sized bed he claimed to have.
I raced down the steps like an excited teenager barely able to contain my excitement when he knocked on the front door. Brisk air rushed inside and swirled around me when I pulled open the door, but I barely noticed the cold.
Nathan was standing there in a pair of loose-fitting jeans, boots, and a rust-colored T-shirt. Over top, he wore a grey fleece jacket that was zipped a little bit more than halfway. He’d shaved since I’d seen him last and his jaw was completely smooth.
“Hey,” he said, grinning.
“Hi.” I stepped back so he could come in and shut the door behind us.
“So, I did something,” he said a little sheepishly.
After I locked the door, I gave him a funny glance. “What?” I couldn’t help but notice the way he was standing with one arm sort of wrapped over his middle.
“I got you a present.”
“You already gave me a gun.”
He gave me a lopsided smile. “This is something you’ll actually like.”
I laughed. Something inside his jacket moved. “Ummm, please tell me there isn’t an alien baby inside your stomach, trying to claw its way out.”
He laughed. “Only a writer would think up something like that.”
“Hey. It could happen.” I said, still watching the lumpy movement beneath his coat.
Very gently, he reached into the inside of his jacket and withdrew my gift.
I gasped and stared at the little wiggly bundle in his palm. It was a puppy.
“You got me a puppy?” I said, staring at the fluffy little guy. The puppy couldn’t have been more than two pounds.
“Life’s short. No time like the present to get what you want,” he said. I could hear a tiny bit of wariness in his tone. Giving someone a puppy was like the gift that kept on giving. Giving poop and pee on your rug.
“Can I hold him?” I cooed, reaching out for the tiny little body.
“It’s a girl,” he said, handing her over.
“She’s precious,” I whispered, cradling her against my chest. She was white with a few light tan spots on her back end and on her nose. One of the puppy’s ears was tan and they both stood up and were bigger than her head, making her look like Dumbo, and they were fuzzy with long strands of ultra soft hair sticking out wildly around them.
I laughed and stroked her softness. “Hi,” I told the puppy. It made a little puppy sound and my heart completely melted.
I wandered up the stairs, still holding her against me, and then sat down on the living room floor in the center of the carpet.
“It’s a Chihuahua,” Nathan said, coming into the room. “She’s only eight weeks old. She was the runt of the litter and probably won’t even grow to be five pounds.”
“You’re just a tiny little thing,” I told her. She licked my chin.
I fell in love with her.
“She’s really mine?” I said, looking over at him.
“I sure as hell hope you want her. Can you imagine me walking that tiny-ass dog on a leash?”
I laughed. “You mean you’d keep her if I said no?”
“Well, I sorta already spent the whole afternoon with her. She likes me.”
The very fact that he was completely in love with this dog made her all the more appealing. “I’m gonna call her Lucy.”
“Lucy, huh?”
“Got a better idea?”
“I’ve been calling her Killer.”
I rolled my eyes. “This is not the face of a killer,” I crooned to Lucy, holding her up so I could look into her tiny face. She licked me again.
“Lucy it is,” Nathan said. “You’re going to be one of those women that dresses that dog up in pink sweaters, aren’t you?”
“She’s going to need a coat,” I said. “And a collar, a leash, food, toys…”
“There’s food in the Jeep. I’ll go get it.”