I booked my ticket, and the next day I went to California, to the nursing home where my father was being cared for. When I walked in, I was moved seeing my father sitting in a chair, withered and small, a whisper of the physical stature he had been before. When he saw me, he immediately began crying, and through his tears he cried, "I love you. I knew you'd come."
I got down on my knees before my father and said, "Dad, I forgive you."
Looking me directly in the eyes, he replied in a childlike manner, "I forgive you too." At that moment I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my father, this man who had tortured me for years, had no idea, no memory, no awareness of what he had done. Still crying he said, "Jesus brought me here." This statement caught me totally off guard, as here was a man who together with my brothers had ridiculed and berated me for my belief in Christ for years. I had so much I wanted to ask my father, but was overwhelmed with emotion. Trying to gather myself, I looked around his room. There on his bookcase, was a golden spider web with a crystal spider in the middle. Woven into this art piece was a Ronald Reagan wristwatch. My thoughts raced to information an Intelligence officer "in the know" once explained to me, that victims will surround themselves with their programming and often will display objects that speak to that which they verbally can't, as a form of subconscious communication. This spider web spoke to me deeply through subconscious communication, and although my father could not tell me what he knew, he had carefully preserved this piece to speak what he could not. Again deeply touched, I asked him if I could have it. He said, "Sure, take anything you want." My father and I cried together. There was so much I wanted to tell him and have him tell me but he was no longer able. But God knew that I needed to see my father this one last time, in order to complete my healing and forgiveness process. And that day, I totally and completely forgave my father. I understood why he had done what he had done. As I stood to leave, I kissed him one last time and told him I loved him, and looking back I am so grateful that God led me to that culmination and completion with my father. Less than three months after that meeting my father passed away.
As I drove my rental car to the airport to fly back to Illinois I realized that the intelligence officer experience had not yet occurred. But I was not to be disappointed because, shortly after I took my window seat on the aircraft, a distinguished looking black man took the isle seat. After takeoff he flashed his badge and identified himself as White House intelligence for the last 29 years. Taking his business card out of an organizer, he laid it on the seat between us. Unconsciously, still bound to the protocol of my controllers, as much us I wanted to, I couldn't pick up his card. Nervously, I thought to myself, 'Oh God, this is it'
This suited man began by telling me, "There are some things you need to know. One is that once in the company always in the company. Don't believe anyone that tells you they've retired from the company (CIA)." Next he said, "When you speak publicly don't name the names."
I told him I wouldn't. At that moment the words spoken to me by the Holy Spirit in the garden, came back to me, "Tell him what happened." So, I told this man about the abuse of my children and myself that often led to our victimization in the White House. He told me that he thought women like me "just liked to be with Presidents." And finally, as we walked off the plane, the words he spoke surprised me as I realized maybe this man had a spiritual awakening, was serving a higher calling, and was one of the 'lights on the White House' that God had shown me. He said that he was committed to informing ministers of churches to do their jobs in helping victims. I was encouraged.
Over the years, what I witnessed in my father was something that I have noticed in many of the victims of the mind control projects. He was extremely inventive and futuristic and had many personalities that were extremely loving. My father designed and built solar water heaters that he installed on the roof of our Woodland Hills home in the 1950's, and shared thoughts and ideas that continually astounded me. Due to the shattering of his own psyche through the ritual abuse he endured as a child, coupled with the mind control programming forced upon this already vulnerable man, he was never in control of his own mind. From birth, his free will was taken from him through the abuse he endured at the hands of his parents who themselves had been through the same victimization passed through intergenerational, subconscious mental illness. Then, in a final attempt to harness the complete control of his daughter, the doctors at UCLA took the last vestiges of my father's free will when they performed the brain surgery that gave them total control.
Honestly, I can understand the denial many of you may be facing in regard to all that I have shared with you, as I faced the same denial over and over. I did not want to believe that any of the reality that kept intruding into my mind was real. Often I wanted to believe I was insane, and at times even wished I could choose to live out the rest of my days rocking back and forth in a drugged stupor in some sanatorium. Then not only in response to programming, but also feeling trapped in a pain and confusion I often felt I could not bear alone another day, initially, I had moments when I contemplated suicide. But due to the ramifications that act would have had on my children, that was never a choice I could make. I had to keep asking God to strengthen me so I could face the painful reality and heal in order to make a difference in the lives of my children.
It has been said that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it and I believe this is part of the situation we face today because until now we haven't been told enough valid historical information. Before my recovery, like most Americans, I was more interested in my future than in my past but was soon forced to deal with it due to constant flashbacks. But what if a person's past holds a potent key to his or her future? And what if that past holds intergenerational and worldly information that when realized and righted will resonate throughout future generations, causing freedom and a better quality of life? Knowing my past has set me free and I am grateful for the spiritual guidance that told me that I had to go backward before I could go forward. Although dire circumstances forced me to revisit my past, I now know that the inner work I completed in researching and healing the dark, hidden areas of my own past will reverberate throughout the spiritual genes of my progeny's future and I am glad for that.
At first when these bits and pieces of memory began surfacing in my mind, I was terrified and continually dismissed them, as others told me things like, "You're just too tired. You have a big imagination. You have everything a woman could want. Why don't you just quit therapy, get a job and be productive. Stop living in the past. Don't worry, be happy!" Or, new age belief systems that created comments like, "These are only your past lives. What you put your attention and focus on grows. I don't choose to think about negative things. I like to focus on the light instead of the darkness. I create my own reality. This is not part of my reality. If it's this painful to deal with and causing you this much stress, it must not be the right thing to do." The list was endless. But over time when these flashbacks and thoughts intruded into my present life with subjects and events that didn't interest me (politics, glamour and glitz, golf, baseball games, football games, and sex orgies), I had to wonder and question what it all meant. That started the quest that has led to my knowing and my understanding. I am hoping you, too, will be able to overcome your own denial and to question these issues put before you, because the safety of our children and, yes, even our human freedoms depend on it.