Right now I'm getting some snacks together to take out to the tent.
“Phillip, come help me!” I yell across the street, as I struggle to carry everything.
Phillip runs over and grabs two grocery sacks full of candy and snacks from my arms. I'm left with just the big bowl of warm buttered popcorn. As I'm following Phillip across the street, Danny comes out of his garage carrying a cooler.
“Why do you look so sneaky?” I ask him, as we meet up in the street.
Danny looks just like he did the night we decorated the Mackenzie's trees with Ashley's underwear. At first, Ashley, who was sixteen at the time, laughed like she didn't care, but that was before she realized Phillip had sent a heads up email to everyone in her address book. She was completely horrified when all her friends, boys included, started driving by her house and honking at her lacy bras and panties.
Danny's got something up his sleeve, I can tell.
“I'll tell you later, just act normal in case my parents are watching.”
Later, after we'd eaten most of the snacks and are playing cards, Danny opens the cooler and says, “How bout we have some fun tonight?” Then he pulls three cans of beer out from underneath the pop.
Phillip, who I figured would tell us exactly what a bad idea this is because he tends to be the most conservative of the three of us, says, to my surprise, “Hell, yeah.”
So of course, I say, “Sounds awesome.”
We open our beers and Danny cheers, “Here's to the good life.”
I'm pretty sure he heard that on a commercial.
We drink up. A few hours and few beers later, we're basically drunk. Good thing our parents are already in bed.
See. I told you things could happen out here before bedtime.
The boys and I talk about who likes who and who doesn't like who, all the gossip. We don't know the answers to these questions, but we talk and laugh anyway. Then we share the last beer.
Actually, I was smart and only pretended to drink from it.
We are laughing and laughing when the boys start telling me about how they wake up in the morning with hard, you know whats. So I say, well that's nothing, and proceed to tell them in gory detail all about a period.
I ask them why they are so obsessed with girls who have big boobs, and they want to know why girls only like guys taller than them.
Later that night, Danny and Phillip puked their guts out.
I earned honors because I didn't.
Of course, I felt terrible the next day, but I will never admit it.
Three days until my first real date. I am so excited!
I am also a paranoid, nervous wreck.
I like this boy so much! His name is Ryan. Ryan Marshall. Ryan is so good looking, and he's a SENIOR! He reminds Katie and me of Jake, from the movie, Sixteen Candles. I know, it's an old movie and the clothes are weird, but it's still funny and romantic and is worth watching just to lust after Jake. Lisa, Katie, and I all rank Jake in the Top 25 on our lists of All Time Movie Hotties.
So how does this sound?
JJ Marshall.
Jadyn Marshall.
Jadyn James Reynolds-Marshall.
Mrs. Ryan Marshall.
Doesn't that just roll off your tongue?
Speaking of tongues, they are the main reason I'm a nervous wreck. Ryan is a senior and well, sadly, I'm not all that experienced with boys. I mean, I'm a freshman and have been to dances with boys my age and even have gone out with boys, but I've never really kissed them. Not like I hope to kiss Ryan anyway.
Bobby Robinson did shove his tongue into my mouth one time, when we were kissing under the bleachers at a football game, but it didn't feel so good. I'm pretty sure he didn't have it exactly right.
So I talked to my friends, Katie and Lisa, about how to properly make out.
But, well, here is just a bit of their unhelpful advice.
Just let him take the lead, do what ever he does.
Um, couldn't that get me into a lot of trouble?
Just sort of kiss his tongue, but try not to drool.
Don't open your mouth too wide.
And then, Just open your mouth wide.
See?
Stupid, conflicting information.
And this from girls who supposedly know how to do this!
I feel like I'm an undercover CIA agent trying to wrestle vital information out of a ruthless double agent, and the fate of the free world depends upon it. All the while, the President is yelling at me in a panic, saying, Somebody! Anybody! Just get me the truth!
You know, this is really the kind of stuff that it would be helpful to learn in health class. Much more useful information than knowing how a fallopian tube works or what kinds of cancer I can fight by adding fiber to my diet.
I mean, this date is of EPIC proportions.
He's a senior for God's sake!
My high school reputation could be ruined or made in one single night.
I don't want to be known as a terrible kisser!
Or Worse! Totally Inexperienced!
I've got to do something.
Get me somebody, anybody!
I need someone who has experience and, most importantly, who will help me.
I glance out my window and see Danny's bedroom light is on.
Ch-Ching.
Danny has experience, and I'm too desperate to be embarrassed.
So I call him. “Danny, are your parents home?”
“No, they went to that parents' meeting at school with yours.”
Yay!
“Good. I'm coming over. And you're, like, totally alone? Phillip isn't there, is he?”
“No, I'm totally alone. What's up, Jay?”
“Um, I just really, really need your help with something. Be right there.”
I slam down the phone, run out of my house and over to his. I barge in the front door and take the stairs two at a time up to his bedroom. He's sitting on his bed with a varsity football playbook spread out in front of him. I can tell by the intense look on his face, he has been studying hard. Danny's goal is to be the best high school quarterback in the state and then play for the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Lets just say, he is well on his way to achieving his goals.
“Hey, Jay,” he says, straightening up, “what's the top secret meeting all about?”
Maybe this was a bad idea.
No. You've got to find this stuff out.
It's vital to our country's well being!
Okay, that's a bit dramatic, but it is vital to my well being.
I pace the length of his room a couple of times, wringing my hands together, trying to get my nerve up. “Okay, here it is. I need your help and well, I'm kind of embarrassed to say it, but here goes. I have that date with Ryan on Saturday, and Danny, I'm afraid I won't know what to do. I mean I've never done it before, and I'm not exactly sure how. I don't even know if he'll want to do it with me, but I'm hoping that he will and well, I want to, you know, be prepared. So I need you to help me, Danny. Will you show me what to do?”
Danny stares at me in disbelief.
“This is a joke, right?” he laughs, gets off the bed, and looks down the hall. “Where's Phillip hiding?”
“No, Danny, I'm serious. I mean if you can't show me, could you at least tell me if I know how to do it right?”
“Let me get this right, Jay. You want me to show you how to have sex?” He has a huge goofball grin on his face. “Wow. Well, I suppose that could be arrang….”