I really wanna know where this man did his training. Is he even qualified to do couple's counseling? Does anyone even know? He's comparing marriage to a disease!
Who does that?
He really doesn't make marriage sound all that fun. I'm just saying.
Pastor continues. "It's really not about the shoes, in this instance, or about the money. It's about control. Who wears the proverbial pants in the family. Think about that, and we'll discuss it more next time. Our time is up. See you in a few weeks."
We get in the car, and I say, "Marriage counseling is bullshit. He hasn't taught us anything. Sure, he told us we did it wrong, but he didn't say how to fix it. Talking about it didn't fix it."
"Well, it's something to think about, and there's some validity to what he's saying. There's a gal at work who's going through a divorce, and I heard her talking in the lunchroom about her husband. She was bringing up stuff from the past eight years. I'm thinking she didn't talk to him about their problems, or he didn't listen. Whichever, they didn't fix them at the time, and she's held it against him for a long time."
"Phillip, eight years from now, we're going to laugh about the shoe fight. I laugh about the shoe fight now. It was funny."
"Yeah, it was. Plus, you're sexy."
"Really? Like do you really think I'm sexy, Phillip?"
"Yeah, wanna go home now, and I'll shoe you?"
"Shoe me?"
"I mean show you. I just said shoe because shoe, the shoes, you know."
"It wasn't that funny," I say, but then I start laughing again. "Okay, it was really funny. I'd like to take you home, but Neil and Joey just texted me. They're at the bar and want you to come out and play. They said they'll counsel you."
"That'd be a joke. Do you wanna go?"
"Yeah, for a bit. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need to go to the bar after every couple's counseling session. Plus, it's Taco Tuesday. Margaritas are half-price and tequila shots are only a buck."
We went to the bar, had some tacos, and a couple tequila shots. For obvious reasons, Phillip is usually the designated driver, so I maybe had one more shot than he did, and when we got home, I was ready for some fun.
I was stripping my clothes off in the bedroom when Phillip walks in. He grins at my nakedness and says, "Just so we're clear, I'm the man. I wear the pants in the family." He points down to his pants. "See?"
I tilt my head, grin, and walk my naked ass slowly over toward him. I grab the front of his jeans and unbutton them. "Not if I can take them off you."
So apparently, Lori and Danny got in a fight about a picture of Danny that's in the newspaper today. In the photo, he has two cheerleaders kissing each side of his face.
And I guess Danny was like, "It's in my contract that I have to do some publicity things."
And Lori was like, "Danny, I read your contract, and I can say with one hundred percent complete positivedness..."
To which Danny chuckled and was like, "You've been hanging around Jay too much, that sounds like one of her words."
And Lori continued. "...it is not in your contract that you have to pose with cheerleaders kissing you."
Danny got pissed and was like, "I'm not going to sit here and have you attack my moral character. I'm a good and faithful husband. I'll be a great father. What the hell's happened to you? What happened to my confident, never-the-jealous-type wife?"
He stormed out of their house.
Lori sat there, watched the door close, and whispered to herself, "She got pregnant."
So while this was going on, Phillip and I are watching a movie. Meaning, he's lying on top of me, has my arms pinned above my head, is peppering my neck with ticklish kisses, and unbuttoning my shirt.
My phone rings, Dum, dum, da dum, dum, dum, da dum. Yes, the Wedding March is my ring tone. Phillip keeps changing it just to irritate the hell out of me.
Then, Dun, dun, dun, duh. The Jaw's theme song. Okay, so I might be messing with his ringtones a little myself.
He grabs both of our phones off the coffee table. "Danny," he says, looking at my caller id and handing me my phone. Then he looks at his and says, "Lori."
Danny tells me about the cheerleader incident.
"Danny, she's pregnant. She's got crazy hormones. I mean what did you have to do besides have a night of fun?"
"Well actually, it was a day of fun."
"Okay, too much information. Now she has to deal with all of it. She feels like she's getting fat. Her emotions are everywhere. She's sick half the time. She's cut out caffeine, which would be enough to send me over the edge, and I just think you need to be a little more sensitive. I think your job as the soon-to-be father is to pamper her. To be there for her emotionally."
I hear him groan, so I say, "Danny, do you love her?"
"Yeah."
"You want her to keep loving you?"
"Yeah."
"Then play nice!!! She's like your baby's offensive line. She's keeping it safe! Protecting it. Make her feel like you think she's doing something amazing for you because she is! That's YOUR baby in there, Danny. Taking care of her equals taking care of your baby."
"Yeah, I know you're right."
"As usual," I tease.
"Shut up."
"So, no simple, smooth, and easy?"
"Uh, no."
"Do something romantic, Danny. Remind her that she's still your girl. Not just your fat, pregnant, and stuck with you wife."
"You can't even tell she's pregnant, how could she be fat? Besides, she looks so hot. I know she's complaining that she feels fat, but I LOVE her body right now. It's a little fuller, and her boobs keep getting bigger. It's awesome. She looks sexy, if you ask me."
"Well, you should definitely tell her that because she's gained four whole pounds, and that's devastating to her. She says it'll be fine to gain weight, and she wants a healthy baby, but right now, she thinks she looks fat, not pregnant."
"My offensive line says I should buy her jewelry."
"Jewelry is always nice, but I don't think that's what she needs. She needs a small sweet gesture. Something to remind her that she's still your girl. You can get her something spectacular when she has the baby."
"Yeah, you're right. We haven't gone out on a date in a while. But it's mostly because she's been either sick or really tired."
"Danny, how do you and Lori solve conflict?"
He laughs like a little boy who just got caught saying a dirty word then says, "Sex. Always."
"Pastor John says if you do that your marriage will fail. That if you don't deal with the conflict, your marriage will fester and get infected."
"Whatever," Danny says. "I'll let you go. I'm gonna make some dinner reservations, tell her I'm sorry, and make it up to her."
"With sex?"
"Absolutely."
Ha! What the hell does Pastor John know anyway?
I text Lori since she's still on the phone with Phillip.