“Nate…”
“So, I guess what I’m saying is,” he continued, talking over me, “I came to California to find out why you never came back to me.” His eyes came up to meet mine and he looked so gentle and curious, with just the tiniest twinge of hurting there in the brown depths of his eyes. “I thought for a while that it was because you were with Devon. But then I found you on your website, and your name was still the same, and a small part of me held out hope.” He stopped and shook his head. “I sound like a crazy stalker.”
“No, Nate, it’s fine. I can explain.” I leaned forward and placed my wine glass on the coffee table, then moved so I was facing him fully, sitting with my legs under me. I met his eyes and smiled because I could see he was anxious about what I was about to tell him. The butterflies in my belly thought it was adorable.
“I never came back to you because of something you said to me that day.”
His eyes grew wide and then confused. I could tell his brain was sifting through everything he’d said to me so long ago, trying to pinpoint what he’d said to make me run away.
“You put that alert on my phone and you told me, when it came up, to make a decision. You said you’d be okay with whatever I chose as long as it was my first choice.”
I reached out and took his hand because I could see him as he took in my words, watching as he realized what they implied.
“And I wasn’t your first choice.”
“No, Nate, you weren’t.” I rubbed both of my thumbs over the top of his hand, loving the moment but also wanting to get past it because I could tell it was upsetting him. “My first choice was me.”
I powered on because I had so much to say to him that I couldn’t risk him butting in.
“For so long, I’d been everyone’s second choice, just like you said. Then, you came along and you showed me what it was like to have someone see me first, to see me and make no qualms about wanting me. You were sweet and nice and such a great kisser.” I blushed a little, but then linked my fingers with his, smiling when he didn’t pull away, but gave me a gentle squeeze.
“I wanted all of that – wanted you – but knew it wasn’t the right time or the right situation. That next night, after we talked, I went to Devon and we finally both ended everything between us. Not that there ever was anything, really. But we just couldn’t do it anymore. He needed to move on with his life, and I needed to start mine, because I never really had. So, I left. I wanted to reach out to you, but I knew it wasn’t right. I couldn’t make you sit around and wait for me, especially when I had planned, from that moment on, to focus on me, on what I needed. And the last thing I needed back then was a man.” I smiled at him, hoping he understood.
“But never in a million years did I expect to see you again, Nate. And I’ll never be able to explain the way it felt when I saw you last night. It means so much to me that you came – no matter the reason behind it – it’s the best thing anyone has ever done for me.”
Our eyes were locked and his looked slightly worried and troubled.
I watched as his free hand slowly came across his body, gently finding my cheek, his fingers sliding back into my hair just slightly.
“And what about now, Lyn?” My eyes automatically closed at the feeling of his fingers floating over my skin. “Are you still your own first choice?” His words were whispered, and his hand put gentle pressure on the back of my neck, pulling me closer to him. His hand, which was clasped in mine, pulled loose and traveled slowly up the side of my thigh.
I nodded. “I have to be. No one else is going to put me first if I don’t.”
“What if,” he said, his voice wavering just a little as his hand slid even higher up my thigh, then rounding up over my ass. “What if I told you I was interested in ranking a close second?”
“I’d say,” I breathed, our faces only inches apart, “the position is all yours.”
Our lips met in the slowest collision. When his mouth was finally pressed up against mine, I could do nothing to keep the relief from coming out of me in a moan. Granted, I never thought I’d see the man again, but that didn’t mean I hadn’t spent nights thinking about kissing him under that waterfall.
I’d missed kissing, sure. But I hadn’t realized until that moment how much I missed kissing him.
Then, suddenly, we lost ourselves. I was climbing over him, straddling his legs, pulling his mouth to mine as if I could fuse him to me. His hands were roaming all over me, groping me over my dress, groaning as he squeezed the fleshiest parts of me.
After minutes of making out like teenagers, I felt him pull away and my lips felt like the rug had been pulled out from under them.
“I’m sorry, Lyn, I didn’t mean to attack you like that. God, I’m sorry. You must think I’m an ass. I’ve been thinking about you for two years now, and all day today, and then you came downstairs in this dress,” he said the last words as he ran his hands over my ass again. “I’m sorry,” he said again, removing his hands.
“Nate, I climbed on your lap,” I laughed. “You’re not the only one who wants this.” I bent low again, trying to coax his lips to come back to mine, but he pulled back again.
“I don’t want you to think this is why I came here.”
With those words, I pulled back even farther, trying to read him, trying to understand his hesitation.
“I’ve been thinking about you for so long. I dated a few women, but none of them compared to the woman I took on that hike, who lit up when a camera was in her hands. Who loved two children so dearly who weren’t even hers. Who missed her best friend but did everything she could to carry out her last wishes. This isn’t about sex, Lyn. Although, I can’t deny that I want you. But, for me at least, this is way more than just sex.”
My eyes darted back and forth between his, looking for some indication as to how to take his words.
“So, you don’t want to do this?” I asked, my eyes drifting down to where our bodies were connected, yet still clothed. I could tell part of him wanted to continue.
His hands came to rest near my knees, a much safer place than my ass had been. I felt my heart deflate a little at the movement. I wanted him. I found myself unwilling to deny that fact, and also proud of myself for not shying away from sex. I’d spent a good portion of my life denying myself the pleasure of sharing my body with a man because the man was Devon.
“God, I want you, Lyn,” he said, squeezing my legs with his hands. “But I want more than just sex.”
“What more do you want?” I asked breathily, my heart rate spiking.
“I want you. I want us. We never got a real shot the first time – nothing was right then. But I want a second chance.”
“You live very far away,” I whispered, moving my hands up his arms, loving the way the cotton of his shirt slid along my skin. I wasn’t denying him, not in the slightest, I just wanted to make sure he knew what he was getting into.
“There are planes, and Skype, and FaceTime. It’ll be difficult, but it’s got to be better than the last two years of only imagining what it would be like.”
“It’s got to be only me, Nate.” My voice was suddenly serious. I hadn’t meant for it to sound cold, but when the words escaped from me, they needed attention. “I won’t be with someone who is also seeing someone else. I want to make someone, you, my priority, and I want that in return.”
“You want me all to yourself?” he asked, a smile now spreading over his previously troubled face.
“Yes,” I whispered. “And for the last two years I’ve been working so hard on myself, I want to give you all of that as well.”
“I get the new and improved Lyn?” His smile grew even wider.
“If you’ll have me.”