"What's going on, Miss Warren?" I asked.
She suddenly started crying. Weeping. Just these big old whooping tears. I thought she
was going to fall over on the floor and start screaming and kicking like a two-year-old.
"Jeez, Miss Warren, what is it? What's wrong?"
She hugged me hard. And I have to admit that it felt pretty dang good. Miss Warren was, like, fifty years old, but she was still pretty hot. She was all skinny and muscular because she jogged all the time. So I sort of, er, physically reacted to her hug.
And the thing is, Miss Warren was hugging me so tight that I was pretty sure she could
feel my, er, physical reaction.
I was kind of proud, you know?
"Arnold, I'm sorry," she said. "But I just got a phone call from your mother. It's your sister. She's passed away."
"What do you mean?" I asked. I knew what she meant, but I wanted her to say something else. Anything else.
"Your sister is gone," Miss Warren said.
"I know she's gone," I said. "She lives in Montana now."
I knew I was being an idiot. But I figured if I kept being an idiot, if I didn't actually accept the truth, then the truth would become false.
"No," Miss Warren said. "Your sister, she's dead."
That was it. I couldn't fake my way around that. Dead is dead.
I was stunned. But I wasn't sad. The grief didn't hit me right away. No, I was mostly
ashamed of my, er, physical reaction to the hug. Yep, I had a big erection when I learned of my sister's death.
How perverted is that? How inappropriately hormonal can one boy be?
"How did she die?" I asked.
"Your father is coming to get you," Miss Warren said "He'll be here in a few minutes.
You can wait in my office."
"How did she die?" I asked again.
"Your father is coming to get you," Miss Warren said again.
I knew then that she didn't want to tell me how my sister had died. I figured it must have been an awful death.
"Was she murdered?" I asked.
"Your father is coming."
Man, Miss Warren was a LAME counselor. She didn't know what to say to me. But then
again, I couldn't really blame her. She'd never counseled a student whose sibling had just died.
"Was my sister murdered?" I asked.
"Please," Miss Warren said. "You need to talk to your father."
She looked so sad that I let it go. Well, I mostly let it go. I certainly didn't want to wait in her office. The guidance office was filled with self-help books and inspirational posters and SAT
test books and college brochures and scholarship applications, and I knew that none of that, absolutely none of it, meant shit.
I knew I'd probably tear her office apart if I had to wait there.
"Miss Warren," I said, "I want to wait outside."
"But it's snowing," she said.
"Well, that would make it perfect, then, wouldn't it?" I said.
It was a rhetorical question, meaning there wasn't supposed to be an answer, right? But poor Miss Warren, she answered my rhetorical question.
"No, I don't think it's a good idea to wait in the snow," she said. "You're very vulnerable right now."
VULNERABLE! She told me I was vulnerable. My big sister was dead. Of course I was
vulnerable. I was a reservation Indian attending an all-white school and my sister had just died some horrible death. I was the most vulnerable kid in the United States. Miss Warren was obviously trying to win the Captain Obvious Award.
"I'm waiting outside," I said.
"I'll wait with you," she said.
"Kiss my ass," I said and ran.
Miss Warren tried to run after me. But she was wearing heels and she was crying and she was absolutely freaked out by my reaction to the bad news. By my cursing. She was nice. Too nice to deal with death. So she just ran a few feet before she stopped and slumped against the wall.
I ran by my locker, grabbed my coat, and headed outside. There was maybe a foot of
snow on the ground already. It was going to be a big storm. I suddenly worried that my father was going to wreck his car on the icy roads.
Oh, man, wouldn't that just be perfect?
Yep, how Indian would that be?
Imagine the stories I could tell.
"Yeah, when I was a kid, just after I learned that my big sister died, I also found out that my father died in a car wreck on the way to pick me up from school."
So I was absolutely terrified as I waited.
I prayed to God that my father would come driving up in his old car.
"Please, God, please don't kill my daddy. Please, God, please don't kill my daddy. Please, God, please don't kill my daddy."
Ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty minutes went by. I was freezing. My hands and feet were big blocks of ice. Snot ran down my face. My ears were burning cold.
"Oh, Daddy, please, oh, Daddy, please, oh, Daddy, please."
Oh, man, I was absolutely convinced that my father was dead, too. It had been too long.
He'd driven his car off a cliff and had drowned in the Spokane River. Or he'd lost control, slid across the centerline, and spun right into the path of a logging truck.
"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy."
And just when I thought I'd start screaming, and run around like a crazy man, my father drove up.
I started laughing. I was so relieved, so happy, that I LAUGHED. And I couldn't stop
laughing.
I ran down the hill, jumped into the car, and hugged my dad. I laughed and laughed and
laughed and laughed.
"Junior," he said. "What's wrong with you?"
"You're alive!" I shouted. "You're alive!"
"Rut your sister—," he said.
"I know, I know," I said. "She's dead. Rut you're alive. You're still alive."
I laughed and laughed. I couldn't stop laughing. I felt like I might die of laughing.
I couldn't figure out why I was laughing. Rut I kept laughing as my dad drove out of
Reardan and headed through the storm back to the reservation.
And then, finally, as we crossed the reservation border, I stopped laughing.
"How did she die?" I asked.
"There was a big party at her house, her trailer in Montana—," he said.
Yep, my sister and her husband lived in some old silver trailer that was more like a TV
dinner tray than a home.
"They had a big party—," my father said.
OF COURSE THEY HAD A RIG PARTY! OF COURSE THEY WERE DRUNK!
THEY'RE INDIANS!
"They had a big party," my father said. "And your sister and her husband passed out in the back bedroom. And somebody tried to cook some soup on a hot plate. And they forgot about it and left. And a curtain drifted in on the wind and caught the hot plate, and the trailer burned down quick."
I swear to you that I could hear my sister screaming.
"The police say your sister never even woke up," my father said. "She was way too drunk."
My dad was trying to comfort me. But it's not too comforting to learn that your sister was TOO FREAKING DRUNK to feel any pain when she RURNED TO DEATH!
And for some reason, that thought made me laugh even harder. I was laughing so hard
that I threw up a little bit in my mouth. I spit out a little piece of cantaloupe. Which was weird, because I don't like cantaloupe. I've hated cantaloupe since I was a little kid. I couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten the evil fruit.
And then I remembered that my sister had always loved cantaloupe.
Ain't that weird?
It was so freaky that I laughed even harder than I'd already been laughing. I started
pounding the dashboard and stomping on the floor.
I was going absolutely insane with laughter.
My dad didn't say a word. He just stared straight ahead and drove home. I laughed the