So I went and the experience seemed even more alluring than before. Perhaps I had managed to quieten my conscience. I had stepped over the border of what seemed to me—in my role of the old Zipporah—as depravity. I was there, so what difference could one more step make?
I was in love with Gerard, which was different from loving Jean-Louis. Jean-Louis was kind, considerate, tender, all that I had wanted in a husband until I met Gerard. It might be that Gerard could not compare with Jean-Louis in tenderness and consideration … I did not know. That fact appalled me. I did not really know this man and yet the physical attraction between us was so overwhelming as to be irresistible.
So I went back to my white and gold brocade bed and I learned that I had never really known myself before. I was a deeply sensuous woman; having overcome my first terrors, subdued my intruding conscience, I could now give myself to passion and I gave myself completely and utterly.
And there we lay and once more the sounds of the fair were our background and the house seemed to be applauding because it knew that I had betrayed my husband in a manner which I would never have thought possible.
I could think of nothing else but being alone with Gerard, of exciting and erotic lovemaking. I was a different person. I did not know this woman I had become and yet she was myself … and if I were honest I would admit that I would not have her otherwise.
I was vital, I was alive as I had not been before. Everything seemed to have changed. I had stepped out of a way of life where I had gone on at a slow steady trot for so many years. Now I was flying into realms hitherto unknown. Oh, I was fanciful. But this was such a wonderful thing that had happened to me.
During the days that followed we were meeting regularly. We could not go to the house now but there was a cottage belonging to Enderby and this was uninhabited because the gardener who had occupied it had died suddenly and it was being renovated before it was given to one of the other servants. There were ladders and wood shavings about the place. But there was some furniture and it was a place where we could meet. We could no longer go to the house, of course, for we should have been detected at once. Gerard had plans for taking me in, and for visiting me. He liked to discuss them but we both knew that they could not be satisfactorily carried out. So we met at the gardener’s cottage after supper each evening. I was sometimes late coming back to Eversleigh.
It was dangerous, I knew; there must have been a change in me. Sometimes I could sense both Uncle Carl and Jessie watching me. They would both be experts on eroticism I was sure. Perhaps living as I had through such ecstatic moments, first at Enderby and then in the cottage, had had its effect on me and connoisseurs such as those two recognized this.
Uncle Carl called me Carlotta now and then, as though he saw some change in the Zipporah who had first come to the house. As for Jessie, she seemed to be secretly amused.
I wondered then if she discussed me with Uncle Carl or with Amos Carew.
The thought made me squirm but it did nothing to prevent my joyful appearance at those meetings with my lover.
I knew it couldn’t last. I should have to go back. The time was short. I knew it. We both knew it; and the knowledge added to the intensity of our passion.
There were times when he drove me out in the carriage. We went for miles and sometimes we lay in faraway woods where we felt safe from those who knew us. We made love under trees and in the bracken … each time seemed more exciting than the last. I had long told myself that it was no use resisting temptation now. I was a sinful, erring wife and if I never sinned and erred again nothing could alter that. It was brief … it was passing … the thought gave a terrible poignancy to our relationship; I think it made us determined to extract the very last bit of joy from it. We were abandoned; our senses took control. Nothing else mattered to us in our wildly demanding love.
He urged me to go away with him. I knew then that as he belonged to the diplomatic circles at the French court he was in England on business for his country. I knew too that in view of the existing state of affairs between our countries he must be some sort of spy; I knew that he was at Enderby because it was remote and that he made secret journeys to the coast.
It seemed to me that I was not only an adulteress but was spending my time with an enemy of my country. I knew nothing of him, yet I had never so intimately known anyone before. All I knew was that there was some irresistible attraction between us; that if I could have my greatest wish granted it would be that I could wipe out everything that had happened before in my life and start afresh now with him.
And so I went on slipping deeper and deeper into this life of the senses.
We did discuss the matter of Uncle Carl’s will. He said to me once: “Your uncle may be in acute danger. If that woman has a paper which she thinks will give her the estate, it is almost certain that she will find some means of getting her hands on it.”
“I know. What shall I do?”
“She should know that there is a will—signed and sealed—with the solicitor.”
“My uncle will never tell her.”
“You must. I think he is safe for the time being because you are there. You are his safeguard, but if you should go away I wouldn’t give much for his chances. She must know.”
“She would badger him to sign another paper.”
“She must be told that it would not be valid. That it would have to be signed by responsible people, that Rosen would have to draw it up.”
“That’s not exactly true, is it?”
“I don’t think so. I don’t know the laws of England. But it is what she should be told. I don’t think your uncle should be left to her tender mercies.”
That was all we said about it, but it stayed in my mind. I felt very uneasy. I had forgotten the half-comic half-sinister situation in this house, so absorbed had I been by my own affairs.
It was a week after the first day of the fair when messengers arrived from Clavering. They brought a letter from my mother.
Dear Zipporah—[she wrote]
I am glad that you have been able to help your uncle. He must have been very pleased to see you but now I have rather bad news for you. I think you should come home at once. We all miss you very much. Poor Jean-Louis is quite lost without you and the doctor is a little worried about him. Apparently it was not only his leg which was broken. They think he has done something to his spine. He can’t walk as he did and is getting about with a stick. You know how active he has always been and this has depressed him rather and I really think you should be with him just now.
I let the letter drop from my hand. Some spinal injury. It was tragic. He was a man of action, used to an outdoor life. He walks with a stick. How bad was he? I knew that it would be like my mother to break the news gently.
I must go back to him at once. I must devote my life to him. I must expiate this terrible wrong I had done him.
I picked up the letter.
You know what he thinks of you. You are everything to him. He misses you so dreadfully—we all do. But Jean-Louis needs you … particularly just now that this has happened. …
I would go back at once. A terrible depression enveloped me. Had I really been thinking that I could have slipped away from all my responsibilities and blithely gone to France with Gerard? I believe for a few moments I had entertained the thought. I was doubly ashamed of myself. My mother’s letter had brought it all back so vividly … the kindness, the unending patience and love I had had from Jean-Louis, my lawful husband.
I was depraved. I was wanton. I was wicked.
Well, I was an adulteress.
I went over to Enderby where Gerard was waiting for me.