But I was leaving. I was determined on that. It was only when I lay in Gerard’s arms that I wavered: but even then I knew I could not face the ultimate betrayal. I would have to go back and try to forget; I saw before me a dreary lifetime of trying to expiate my sin. It would be there always to haunt me … there would be so much to remind me and I should never be truly happy again.
Gerard was getting frantic. The time was flying. I had two more days before I would set out for Clavering. The grooms who would accompany me had arrived at Eversleigh and were already preparing for our journey.
I was still meeting Gerard; we were still making frantic love; there was a desperation in our relationship and never had our encounters seemed so sweet as they did now that we knew that soon they would be over.
On the afternoon two days before my departure we arranged to meet at the cottage which we had made our rendezvous. I arrived first and as I did so a voice from above called: “Who’s there?”
It was not Gerard.
A young woman was coming down the stairs.
“Oh,” she said, “you’re the lady from Eversleigh.”
She curtsied and looked at me with respect.
I was astounded but I grasped the situation at once. This was the new tenant.
I said: “I saw the door open …”
“Well, ’tis good of you to take the interest, mistress. Ted and me is so pleased to get the place. Had our eyes on it since old Barnaby died. And they’ve done it up so beautiful.”
“It’s … it’s very nice,” I said.
“Lucky we be. Able to keep some of the bits and pieces too. Cramped we was in me mum’s place. Now we’ll be on our own. Like to see upstairs, mistress?”
She was proud, longing to show me. I said I would like to see it.
So I followed her up. There were curtains at the window … chintz, pretty.
She followed my gaze and said: “I put them up this morning. Surprising what a difference curtains make … and a bit of carpet. That bed was here. … Nice, ain’t it? We had to use one of me mum’s. We’re glad to have that.”
I looked at the bed on which I had known such hours of ecstasy.
There was a sound from below and I knew it was Gerard. I hurried to the stairs. I had to speak to him before he said something which might betray us.
I called out: “Who’s there? I was just being shown the cottage.”
He stood in the small room looking incongruous there as he must always have looked but I hadn’t noticed until now.
I said: “Oh, it is Monsieur d’Aubigné from Enderby. You must have been attracted by the open door as I was. I’ve been talking to the new tenant.”
He bowed to the pretty young woman, who flushed at such attention.
“I apologize for the trespass. I saw the door open and I believe it has been empty for some time.”
“They been doing it up for us, sir.”
“She and her husband are so happy to have their own place. Thank you for showing me.”
She gave another curtsy and said: “Pleasure’s mine, mistress.”
Gerard bowed to me, said “Good day” and we walked away in opposite directions. I thought, how calm he is, how gracefully he dealt with the situation. I suppose I had done the same.
We were born deceivers, both of us. But the pretty little tenant had not thought it strange. She had been too happy in her own good fortune to pay much attention to us.
It was not long before Gerard, having turned in his tracks, was walking beside me.
“So,” he said, “we have lost our meeting place. I had grown to love it.”
“It was very reckless of us to go there. We might have been disturbed at any time.”
He said: “Where shall we meet now? If you are really going to leave me on Friday …”
“I am, Gerard. I must.”
“Tomorrow then will be our last day. How am I going to bear being without you?”
“I wonder how I shall bear being without you.”
“There is the remedy.”
“It just is not possible.”
“Everything is possible.”
“At too great a price.”
“Surely
“No.” I said. “Please. Gerard, understand. I have been your mistress … I have broken my marriage vows … I have behaved as I never thought it possible … but this is the end. All that I have done will not hurt Jean-Louis … if he never knows of it. I shall go back and try to be a good wife.”
“You torture me,” he said.
“I torture myself.”
So we talked, and although I wavered a little, one fact remained clear. I could not leave Jean-Louis.
So we came to that last night. He wanted so much to be with me throughout. Perhaps if the cottage had been vacant I would have gone there and stayed with him and somehow made my way back to the house through the early hours of morning.
Although I knew Gerard was reckless and adventurous I was unprepared for what happened.
I was to leave early on the following day. The grooms had said that we should start just after dawn, which would enable us to get a fair distance on the first day when we would stop at the inn we had used on the journey to Eversleigh.
I said I would retire early. I had said good-bye to Uncle Carl for I did not want to disturb him in the morning: Jessie had said she would be up to see me off with Evalina.
My bags were packed. I was ready.
I had said good-bye to Gerard that afternoon. He had not tried to persuade me and seemed to have realized at last the futility of it.
I was about to get into bed when I heard a scratching at my window.
I went there and to my amazement and overwhelming joy there was Gerard. He had climbed up with the help of the creeper and was urging me to let him in.
I opened the window and in a few seconds I was in his arms.
“You didn’t think I was not going to be with you, did you?” he demanded.
That night was one of bitter sweetness for me. The unexpected joy of being with him, the heartbreaking knowledge that it would be the last time, made it different from any of those times we had spent together.
There was a frenzy in our passion; it was the ultimate joy mingled with the abject sorrow. I felt that in every gesture he was begging me to abandon everything and go with him.
We lay side by side listening to the gentle breeze rustling the leaves of the trees; the light of a half moon shone into the room. I wanted to preserve every moment as I used to press rose petals in my Bible at home and look at them afterward and recall the day I had picked them.
“You can’t let me go alone,” he said.
But I only shook my head in sorrow.
At dawn I must rise. I must prepare myself to station my journey … away from ecstasy to the long dreary years ahead, remembering, almost regretting, living with my terrible guilt. I wondered how well I would do that; whether I should be able to keep my guilty secret from them. Would Jean-Louis guess something tremendous had happened to me? I would be different, I was sure. My mother and Sabrina … No. When I came to think of it they had put me aside as some cherished object that was in safekeeping. Their anxieties and plans were all for Dickon.
“Don’t go away from me,” whispered Gerard. He knew me so well that he read my thoughts and he knew they had strayed from him to the people I should have to face at Clavering.
Then he kissed me and held me and we were as one.
We lay together, hands clasped, talking in whispers.
He said: “When you go back … if you go back … you will realize how desolate you are without me. … You will see that we must be together. …”
“I shall be desolate. I shall so desperately want to be with you … but I know I must be with my husband.”