It’s true that the Queen had some relatives who didn’t have enough breeding to be the scum of the earth, men who would cheerfully have sold their own grandmothers for half a groat, but I doubt very much whether George’s suspicions were justified. There was no profit for anyone in killing Isabel.
Clarence continued to spout various forms of nonsense, until Cousin Edward decided that enough was enough and had him thrown in the Tower.
At this point Richard did something very unusual. He took his whole household down to the King’s Court. Anne included. Me included. He didn’t give us much of a briefing on his intentions, but you could tell that he wasn’t pleased with the course of events. His face was enough to stop a clock in the next parish.
‘Do you know,’ I said to Cousin Edward, ‘this business of Clarence is doing nothing for your ratings in the North. In fact, they’ve plummeted to their lowest levels since 1469. I don’t think you can afford all this bad publicity.’
We were dancing in the Great Hall at Eltham. It was my first time at Court for ages, and I was desperate to give the King some direct feedback, instead of having my reports filtered as usual by Hastings and the other toads around him. Unfortunately, Edward always hated mixing business with pleasure. In fact, he had grown so lazy that he didn’t much care to mix business with anything. He frowned at me angrily.
‘Richard’s put you up to this I suppose?’ he demanded.
‘No. But he doesn’t like it one bit.’
‘That’s his hard cheddar. George is up to his neck in treason again, and I’m sick of forgiving him. He’s already had more chances than Soft Mick.’
‘Even so,’ I said, ‘I consider it my duty to advise you that the people of the North do not take kindly to kings who execute their own brothers. We obtained a very strong negative response to that scenario.’
‘Look, Alianore,’ he replied, sighing, ‘it’s time you gave this intelligence lark up and took up some useful occupation. Come back to Court. I’ve a vacancy for another mistress, and your name was mentioned by the head-hunters.’
‘Was it indeed? So you’ve grown weary of Mistress Shore?’
He shook his head. ‘Mistress Shore is fine when I’m in the mood for her. Cockney high spirits don’t always appeal. When I’m in a sad or contemplative humour I turn to another lady who is pious and discreet, and likes to take the lead in bed. The vacancy is for a wise and witty woman who can lift me when it all gets too much. Someone with a few new ideas. You’ve no idea how incredibly tedious it is to rule England between battles.’
‘How many mistresses do you have, in point of fact?’ I enquired.
‘A permanent establishment of three. Currently with one vacancy. I’m not completely faithful, of course. I do have the occasional fling outside the regular circle. Sometimes I even have a night with the Queen. But other than that I’m virtually celibate. There’s a fellow who looks a bit like me who chases through London, banging away at the citizen’s wives. I get blamed for a lot of his work. Used to annoy me until I found out that the Londoners think it’s great to have a king who goes around in disguise, screwing their womenfolk. Strange people, the merchants, but they’re the ones with all the brass these days, and if that’s what they want it’s fine by me.’
‘You forget that I have a husband,’ I said. I gasped as well, because he had trod on my foot. It made me realise how much weight he’d put on.
‘No, I don’t. Husbands are usually quite co-operative in these circumstances. It’s all very discreet. You don’t know the name of my pious lady, do you? And you’re a senior operative in Yorkist Intelligence. No one needs know your identity either. You could go under a false name on the mistresses’ roster. You’ll enjoy the work, and it’s extremely well paid.’
‘Roger is a tad old-fashioned,’ I replied, shaking my head. ‘He still believes in the Knightly Code. If I took up your offer he might just throw off his allegiance or something silly like that. I really don’t think it’s on, you know.’
‘Ah, well,’ he sighed, ‘it was only a thought. I had the idea that you might appreciate a bit of promotion, that’s all. Didn’t realise that Roger was such a bore.’
‘The truth is that I’d prefer to retire altogether. Go home to Horton Beauchamp and concentrate on growing gillyflowers and sewing altar cloths. I’ve always wanted to be ordinary, like my sisters, and instead I’m lumbered with all this high-powered political crap and Court intrigue.’
Edward shrugged. ‘I always fancied the idea of running an alehouse in Stamford. We can’t have everything in this life, Alianore.’
I asked Hastings for some background on the Clarence business, because no one, so far, had explained the exact nature of George’s treason. He cleared his throat noisily, and shuffled the papers on his desk, looking at me as if I had just invited him to castrate himself with a blunt knife.
‘The less you know about it, the better,’ he said, mysteriously.
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘I don’t know half the facts myself. I don’t want to know. When the King decides to kill his own brother it makes sense for the rest of us to keep our noses out. Well out.’
‘And what am I to tell Gloucester?’
‘Nothing. There’s nothing to tell. Clarence hasn’t been dealt with through this Department. It’s been a freelance job. The Woodvilles. They collected all the dirt on him. Edward wanted it that way. More to the point, the Queen wanted it that way. Remember that Clarence and Warwick had her father taken out. She’s not forgotten that.’
‘Do you mean that we’ve had bloody amateurs on the case? And that Clarence is to die on their say-so?’
‘I mean exactly that.’ Hastings leaned back, his hands supporting his head as if he expected it to drop off. His eyes left me to stare at the naked lady depicted on the tapestry behind me, who was doing something very interesting with a snake. ‘Look, you’re not among your Yorkshire wool-brains now. This is the Court. Things are so sophisticated here that even I don’t know what’s going on half the time. The King is growing fat and idle. The Queen and the Woodvilles are getting to the point where they’re virtually running the show. Gloucester might be able to do something about it, if he lowered himself enough to live down here on a regular basis. He prefers to go on chasing sheep in the North. He can’t have it all ways.’
‘I see. And I’m to tell him that?’
‘If you like. But don’t get any further involved. I don’t think you realise what you’re up against.’
Hastings was not much more forthcoming when I asked him the name of the King’s pious mistress.
‘You do not need to know that, Alianore,’ he pronounced, sounding disappointed with me. ‘The King likes to keep his private life to himself. Especially where ladies of rank are involved. If you want the full amazing truth you’ll have to go on the rota yourself. I wish you would. I need someone I can trust in Edward’s bed. The present team are all the Queen’s creatures.’
‘There are limits to what I will do for the House of York,’ I answered huffily. ‘Having twenty stones of sovereign on top of me on a regular basis is well outside those parameters.’
‘Then take my advice, and don’t poke into matters that don’t concern you. And as for the Clarence business, don’t touch it with a lance.’
I’ve always known when to take a warning. I kept my mouth shut. It wasn’t long before George was found mysteriously upended in a barrel of malmsey in the Tower. The Woodvilles were blamed, not least by Richard, but it was King Edward who gave the order.
Richard was grimmer than ever after that, and swore that he would one day have his revenge on the Queen and her affinity. I’m not sure how much he loved Clarence – they always seemed at daggers drawn to me – but that was not the point. The killing touched on his sense of family honour. It also set an uncomfortable precedent.