“I’m fine,” I began to say, but I was interrupted by the pounding of footsteps on the stairs.
I doubt Geddy could have reached me any faster if he’d slid down the banister. He had never been good at concealing his feelings, and now he wasn’t even trying. He had a grin as wide as his mouth could make it. He was practically laughing with pleasure. “Adam!” he said, and took me in an embrace that nearly bowled both of us over. “I heard the doorbell!”
“Hey, Geddy,” I said.
He stood back. “You look great! You dress better than you used to.”
Mama Laura and I both laughed. I wasn’t wearing my thousand-dollar suit—it would have gotten me expelled from the house for the crime of pretension, I suspected—but I guessed a tailored shirt and wool pants looked upscale to Geddy. Geddy wore blue jeans with a checked cotton shirt tucked in at the waist, a style Mama Laura called “Walmart formal.” He was thin enough to be called skinny these days: this was what had emerged from the chubby cocoon of his adolescence.
“Still playing the changes?” It was the question I asked whenever I talked to Geddy on the phone. Originally a reference to his music career, now a general-purpose what’s-up.
“Still working at the warehouse,” he said. “Mostly indoors now. I sit in with a band on weekends. Some guys I know. Trad jazz, but we’re pretty tight. Rebecca says—but you have to meet Rebecca! She’s in the basement, going through some old boxes—”
Mama Laura took my arm in a firm grip. “I think Adam should say hello to his father first.”
* * *
It was why this reunion had been arranged, after all. It was why Geddy had come from Boston, it was why Aaron and Jenny had traveled from DC, and it was at least one reason why I was here.
My father had received his diagnosis last winter, but he had forbidden Mama Laura to share it with us until a month ago. Even then she had been reluctant to talk about the details, as if his disease were an intimacy she dared not discuss except in the most basic outline. Cancer. Inoperable. Stage IV. Originally in the lungs, now throughout the body.
He had refused chemo out of some combination of terrified denial and stoic acceptance. He said he felt fine, which meant his pain was mostly under control. His main symptoms, Mama Laura said, were debilitating fatigue and loss of appetite. Plus heightened irritability and moments of confusion.
I went upstairs to see him. He was in the bedroom he shared with Mama Laura, but he wasn’t in bed; he was dressed and sitting stiffly upright in the upholstered chair by the window. The little video monitor on the dresser was babbling quietly away, but he had turned his face to the sunlight. Maybe he was appreciating the spring of a year that would likely not include, for him, an autumn or a winter.
“Adam,” he said, swiveling to face me, putting his features in shadow. “Nice you could make it.”
“Good to be here.”
“Laura was real happy about you coming. She sets great store by family.”
“You can tell by her cooking. The roast smells great.”
“It’s lost on me. I can’t smell a damn thing anymore. Food tastes like sawdust and library paste.”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“It’s not your fault. It’s not anybody’s fault but God. You look like you’re doing all right.”
“More or less.”
“Still working for your club?”
“It’s not a club.”
“Yeah, I know, it’s been in the news. The Affinities. They got in everywhere, didn’t they? Like Communists. Or Freemasons. You don’t know who is one, unless they tell you. But you’ve obviously had some success at it. Good for you, I guess. It’s just that we can’t boast about it, the way we can boast about Aaron.”
“Well, at least you can boast about one of your sons.”
It occurred to me that I didn’t know what to call him. When we were kids Aaron and I had been trained to call him “sir.” But I hadn’t addressed him as “sir” since the day he insulted Amanda. It was decades too late to start calling him “Dad.” And if I had called him by his first name he would have considered it a shooting offense.
He gestured at the TV, a little Samsung panel at least twenty years old, and said, “All this shit going on.”
“Anything new?”
“Is there ever? Bullshit threats from one side, bullshit threats from the other. Now and then a bomb goes off. Only difference this time is, the bombs are getting bigger. I guess I won’t live to see who’s left standing. I can’t bring myself to feel much regret about that.” He raised his hand—it shook a little—and smoothed the wing of graying hair that was supposed to disguise his baldness. The expression in his eyes grew vague. “I want to tell you something. While I’m thinking of it, before I forget. That’s a problem these days, forgetting things.”
“Okay. What is it?”
“You know I sold the business. Couldn’t stand up to those chain-store bastards forever. So there’s money. Enough to pay for my dying, enough to support Laura. And plenty left over. I had my lawyer draft a final will. Most of the money’s going to Aaron. I’m sorry if you feel insulted by that. The thing is, Aaron has been around when you weren’t. He doesn’t need the cash, but he’ll be a good custodian. I set up a trust fund for Geddy, and Aaron agreed to manage it. If it ever happens you fall on hard times, talk to Aaron—I told him to let you have whatever you need, if you really need it.”
“Okay.”
“Like I said, it’s not an insult. I’m thinking of you. It’s just that…” His words faded; maybe he lost track of the thought.
But I wasn’t insulted, and I understood perfectly. The family was a hierarchy. My father had always been the indisputable boss. Aaron had never openly challenged that presumption, though I suspected he honored it only when he was within spitting distance of the old man. He performed the part of the dutiful son impeccably, whereas I had left Schuyler at the first opportunity and found myself a more congenial sort of family. That was the sin my father could never forgive.
“Okay,” I said again.
“What?”
“It’s fine. Whatever you want to do about your will, I’m okay with it.”
“You just don’t give a shit, huh?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“But it’s what you meant.”
“No.” I took a step closer. Close enough to smell the illness on him. His body was starting to burn fatty acids as his illness advanced. The chemical products of the process included acetone, exhaled through the lungs. His breath smelled like nail polish remover. “What I meant was that you don’t need to worry about me, and you aren’t obliged to take care of me, and I don’t expect anything from you.”
“You haven’t expected anything from me since you left this town.”
Which was about absolutely true but not worth acknowledging. “I think I’ll head on downstairs now. Will you be joining us for dinner?”
“I’ll sit with you,” he said. “I don’t promise to eat.”
* * *
As I approached the kitchen I heard Geddy talking with Mama Laura, a flow of happy conversation I was reluctant to interrupt. So I turned the opposite way and opened the door to the basement, where Geddy had said his friend Rebecca was sorting through boxes.
She looked up as I came down the steps. She was sitting on a pea-green folding chair, one of the set Mama Laura had retired from the backyard a decade ago, and she had her hands in a cardboard carton on which GEDDY’S THINGS was scrawled in enthusiastic black letters—Geddy’s own printing, years old. The basement was as gloomy as it had ever been, raw drywall and exposed cinderblock, an elderly washer/dryer vented to the exterior world through a dusty aluminum port. Rebecca Drabinsky looked tiny, perched among the boxes in what we called “the storage corner.” She stood up when she saw me. I said, “I’m Adam.”
“Hi, yes!” Small body, small face, a pair of oval glasses that magnified her eyes, dark wirebrush hair that reminded me of a fox terrier one of my tranchemates owned. Off-brand sneakers, jeans, a black t-shirt under an unbuttoned flannel shirt. She would have looked at home in the cafeteria of any American university, sitting at a table with a book or tablet propped in front of her. “I didn’t hear you at the door.”