I looked over at him now. Last night, spattered freshly with Baz's blood, he'd seemed shellshocked by the experience. Said he couldn't remember much after Baz bought it. He'd set the fuses, scrambled off Fenrir, run for the trees, all on autopilot, numb.
He looked okay this morning, however. Everybody around him was chanting and cheering, reaffirming their commitment to the cause. It was a collective declaration of defiance, a way of coming to terms with the momentous blow we'd received, and Backdoor was giving it as much welly as anyone.
And that just did it for me. Something inside went snap.
I didn't believe Backdoor's account of events. I didn't believe a word that came out of that muttonchopped gob of his. Not any more.
It wasn't the time or place to have this thing out, but I couldn't wait a moment longer.
I stormed over to him, butting people aside.
"You!"
He blinked at me. "Gid?"
"You — you self-satisfied little turd. I've had it up to here with you."
Around us the crowd started to go quiet. Fire-bright gazes turned.
"What is this?" Backdoor said. Captain fucking Innocent. "What's the matter?"
"What's the —!? I'll tell you what the matter bloody is, sunshine. You. You're the fucking matter."
"Gid, I've no idea what's got into you, but — "
I lunged closer to him. Our noses were almost brushing. "I wasn't sure it was you, at first. Utgard. Chopsticks. I reckoned it could all just have been a terrible accident. I thought I'd give you the benefit of the doubt. No proof, no witnesses. Maybe Chops did just discharge his weapon by mistake. But then, with Baz… I should've known better. I shouldn't have left you alone with him in a combat situation, but I wanted you off my back. The engine room job was too important to have you come along and wreck it for us somehow."
"Gid, please, why don't you calm down?"
"Calm down!"
"This is an emotional time. For all of us. You're tired, you're not thinking clearly. I'm not even sure what you're getting at."
"You!" I bellowed. "You, is what I'm getting at."
Now nobody else was talking. The only sound, other than Backdoor's and my voices, was the snap-crackle-pop of the pyre.
"You," I went on, "have been fucking with us all along. You got Chops killed and the rest of us nearly as well. You also got Baz killed. I don't know how you did it, but my bet would be you shoved him in the way of those guns."
"Shoved him… Why the hell would I do that?"
"Because you're here to sabotage us. You've been sent by Loki. You're his inside man."
"Loki?" And he laughed. The nerve of him. Fucking traitor. Laughing in my face. "I've got nothing to do with Loki. Never had. Never even seen him, except on telly when he's, you know, her. This is absurd, Gid. I can't believe I'm hearing any of this."
"Believe it, you tosser. You even admitted you fancy Mrs Keener."
"So what? Who doesn't? Okay, yes, I did fancy her, but not after I found out who she really is. If that's your basis for all this shit you're accusing me of doing, it's pretty flimsy, I've got to say."
"Also, when I first met you, you described yourself as sneaky."
"Well, I am. It was hardly a confession."
"Blatant. Rubbing our noses in it."
Backdoor laughed again, this time for the benefit of our audience: Are you hearing this unmitigated bollocks? "You know what? You're insane. That's what you are. Going around saying I've murdered my own teammates. Insane. That IED that put a hole in your head, it's done a complete number on you." He reached out and tapped my skull where the titanium plate was. "Inside here, it's all clowns and monkeys."
He shouldn't have done that.
"You shouldn't have done that," I told him.
"You shouldn't be calling me a traitor," he replied.
I swung for him. But Backdoor knew me well enough by now. Knew what I was like. The punch was predictable and he saw it coming and got up a forearm block. I craned back my head, planning to nut him on the bridge of his nose. Something nudged against my groin, and I froze.
"Ah-ah-ah," Backdoor said, shaking his head and grinning.
I didn't need to look down. He had a gun to my balls.
"Bastard," I hissed.
"What part of 'sneaky' do you not understand? You could take me in a fair fight, Gid, no question. Cream me. So why would I be so stupid as to let this be a fair fight?"
"Put it away. Let's deal with this like men."
"Isn't that what we're doing? Just as different kinds of men. You your way, me mine."
I tensed. "I'll — "
He jabbed the pistol firmly into my crown jewels, and I tried not to wince. "You'll do nothing, unless you'd like to be singing soprano for the rest of your life. Just stand still and give me what I want, which is an apology and a retraction. You don't go around calling somebody a traitor unless you have evidence. You don't have any, only a couple of half-baked theories. You've just false-accused me and you need to take it back."
"Not going to happen. I know what I know. And being the guy who's threatening to blow my balls off is hardly helping your case, is it? Sign of guilt, to my mind."
"I'm defending my reputation," Backdoor said. "Surely if I just let you beat me up, wouldn't that be more suspicious? Whereas this" — he ground the gun harder still into my nethers — "is me publicly and robustly telling you I deny everything and you can go fuck yourself."
"And this," said Freya in his ear, "is me telling you to put the gun away or you'll be the one singing soprano."
She'd crept up behind him silent as a panther, and her hunting knife was between his legs. Backdoor didn't realise it at first, until she nodded her head downward and he followed her gaze to find the blade poking out from under his crotch.
"You wouldn't," he breathed.
"Try me."
Backdoor went up on tiptoes, and the knife rose with him, blade keeping light contact with the zipper of his trousers. He searched Freya's face, and something there told him she wasn't fooling around. He hesitated. Then I felt the pressure of gun against genitalia ease. He raised the pistol with his finger outside the trigger guard, showing Freya he meant no harm.
"I'd never really have done it," he said. "I was only bluffing."
"That makes one of us," she replied. She withdrew the knife.
"But the fact remains, I'm not what Gid says I am. He's lying."
"For what it's worth, I agree. Not about the lying, but I think he's mistaken. You're not acting like someone with something to hide. Your declarations of innocence have the ring of truth."
"There," Backdoor said to me, and to everyone else. "One of the Vanir believes me. I reckon that's enough to clear my name." Smug triumph was written all over his face, which made me yearn even more to plant a fist in it.
I probably would have, but Freya saw what was brewing and held up a hand to me like a policeman stopping traffic. "Gid. Back down. You've embarrassed yourself enough as it is. No need to add idiocy to the list of offences."
"But — "
"It is the All-Father's funeral," she said tightly. "You shame his memory with these boneheaded melodramatics of yours."
"But Backdoor — "
"— deserves the apology he's asked for. Give it to him now." She leaned close and whispered so that only I could hear: "One pair of balls is much the same as another to me. I don't value yours that highly."
She wasn't joking. The knife was still in her hand.
"Backdoor," I said. "Sorry." I didn't mean it.
He shrugged. "Bygones." He didn't mean it either.
"I jumped to conclusions." I still think you got Chops and Baz killed.