Sif too. Thor's missus hadn't struck me as the Xena Warrior Princess type. I'd written her off as pleasant but mousy, and assumed she would stick with Frigga, helping to care for the injured, but not a bit of it. She was Aesir, and that meant getting down and mixing it with the enemy at a time of crisis. The death of her beloved gave her added impetus. She was a little hellcat, eyes bloodshot, taking out her very considerable anguish on her late husband's favourite punchbags. Any frost giant who strayed into her path didn't live long to regret it.
Freya, of course, performed sterling work, and I did my bit. Gave a pretty good account of myself, in fact. Just let my inner berserker have free rein and went along for the ride. Up on the battlements, I forgot everything. I didn't feel anger or hatred or fear or regret. I didn't have any petty problems any more. Nothing bothered me or distracted me. I was pure purpose. I existed to do one thing and that was kill frost giants. They appeared, I did away with them. Some I shot, some I stabbed, whatever suited. I had my Minimi in one hand and an appropriated issgeisl in the other, and ploughed through their ranks, cold, unfeeling, inexhaustible. I could have gone on for ever. Time had no meaning; I measured my progress through the world in terms of enemies exterminated. The only clock that counted was the one that registered the racking up of dead frost giants.
This was what I did best, what I was made for. I wasn't a good husband. I wasn't a good father. Nature hadn't designed me to hold down a McJob and be Mr Domestic and live the cosy life. It had designed me to fight and slay. I had no other function. This — wading headlong into the enemy and mowing them down — was me.
And the blackness at the core of my being exulted. It screamed with a joy that was beyond happiness, beyond ecstasy, inexpressibly sweet and mindless. You couldn't get a high like it from any other source. Drink, drugs, unbridled sex, they paled by comparison. Poor substitutes. This was the real deal. Uncut. Raw. Mainline. Heavenly. The utter, unutterable bliss of not having to think, not having to feel, having only to recognise, react, and move on. See enemy. Kill enemy. Find next enemy. Repeat ad infinitum, or until the supply of opponents runs out.
The sun set. The sky greyed. There was that greenish glow on the western horizon that signified the last of the light. And when it was gone, that was when Bergelmir decided his troops had had enough for the day. Once again, the retreat was sounded, and the frost giants pulled back. Any that were still scaling the castle walls leapt back down to the ground and scurried off; any that were still on top of the walls did their best to make a getaway, and many succeeded. White silhouettes, they ghosted across the snow to the dark sanctuary of the woods.
We watched them go, knowing we hadn't won, knowing they'd be back tomorrow, but knowing too that we'd done as well as we could have hoped and better than anyone might have expected. After all, we were still holding the castle, weren't we? And as long as we had that, we had something.
Sixty-Two
I was keeping lookout in the ruined hollow that had been one of the castle bedrooms. Nothing was happening outside. Campfires winked in the forest, but there'd been no sign of any overt hostile activity. Bitterly cold air whistled in through the caved-in outer wall. The stars were out in their millions, each a fleck of ice. The moon was as round and hard as a cannonball.
Freya brought me a mug of tea. She knocked on the frame of the shattered door first, before entering.
"Didn't want to startle you," she said. "I know how easy you are to catch unawares."
I murdered that drink. Hot, milky, delicious. "You're a godsend," I told her when the mug was drained.
"Soldiers love their tea. If I've learned anything these past months, it's that. They can't function without it."
"An army marches on its stomach, but only if its stomach's got a brew inside. So, what's the news? How's everyone holding up?"
"Reasonably well. Thwaite, however…"
"How is old Face Fungus?" I asked, although her tone of voice had already told me.
"He didn't make it. Frigga gave him all the attention she could, but she's been run ragged, her power is stretched thin… and he just didn't have the strength."
"Bugger. Anything else I should know about?"
"Nothing much. I did come across two of your teammates arguing."
"Backdoor and who?"
"Not him. Cy and the Irishman."
"Paddy? Arguing with Cy? What about?"
"That I don't know. I came in at the end of it. They were in the banqueting hall. Paddy called Cy a name and walked out fuming. That was all I saw."
"Huh. Well, they're both big boys. They can sort themselves out. It's a pressure situation. There's bound to be some friction. I'll maybe have a chat with them later, but it's probably just them getting on each other's nerves. Nothing to worry about."
Freya sat down beside me at my vantage point, near enough that our thighs were not quite touching. She stared out into the darkness. "Quiet out there."
"I'd say 'too quiet,' but that'd be a movie cliche. Frosties seem bedded down for the night. Doubt they'll attack before daybreak."
"Agreed. They're re-equipping themselves. Their ice-smiths will be busy repairing weapons and casting new ones. Normally it's a week's work to shape a decent blade, but they can put together something makeshift in under an hour."
"Let 'em. Makes no difference. Whatever they throw at us, we can handle it."
"From anybody else I would call that bravado. From you — you really believe it, don't you?"
"Why not? It's the only way to think. Otherwise, might as well just give up and go home."
"Why haven't you?"
"Why haven't I what?"
"Gone home."
"Don't understand the question."
She nestled in close to me. We were definitely touching now, her body firm and tight against mine. Knowing Freya, this was purely pragmatic. Compensating for the freezing temperatures, shared physical warmth, all that. And yet, it wasn't. It was more.
"This isn't your fight," she said. "You're a soldier of fortune. You're here only because money is involved. But still, you're going to see this through to the end. You're happy to."
"Loki has to be stopped."
"Is that all?"
"Isn't it enough? Nobody on Midgard seems able to stand up to him, but we can."
"Can we? We've taken such dreadful losses."
"Still here, though, aren't we? Still standing."
"I'm just saying I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to quit."
"I wouldn't forgive myself if I did."
"Asgard isn't your world."
"It isn't yours either, lady from Vanaheim."
"True, but I have a blood connection to it. The Aesir are family."
"And I feel like I have a connection to it too. I liked Odin a lot. I even liked Thor, the great big buffoon. And…"
I almost said something about her. About liking her. More than liking. Her being the strongest of my connections to Asgard. But that might have spooked her. Worse, she might have just laughed scornfully, and I simply didn't want to take that chance. I wasn't scared of much but I was scared of Freya rejecting me. Better that she and I have this exclusively sexual thing going, keep it at that level. I could gamble on making it more than that, but I might well wind up broke if I did.
"And," I said, "I'm a bloke who finishes what he sets out to do. I don't leave a job half done. Especially this sort of job. It's just who I am, Freya. I've come to realise that. I'm not cut out for much except combat. It's my thing, what I'm built for. Which is pretty sad, when you come to think of it — that I'm not really a well-rounded person, that I'll never be content as a civilian, that fighting is all I have. But as Detective Harry Callahan famously once said, 'A man's gotta know his limitations,' and I now know mine.