“And if we knew our deaths, in our land,” she said, “like you do here, it would be easier, probably; but I think we’re really lucky to find our way here, so’s we could get your advice. And thank you very much for being so kind and listening, and for giving us this meal, it was really nice.
“But what we need now, you see, or in the morning maybe, is we need to find a way out across the water where the dead people go, and see if we can get there, too. Is there any boats we could sort of hire?”
They looked doubtful. The children, flushed with tiredness, looked with sleepy eyes from one grownup to the other, but no one could suggest where they could find a boat.
Then came a voice that hadn’t spoken before. From the depths of the bedclothes in the corner came a dry‑cracked‑nasal tone – not a woman’s voice – not a living voice: it was the voice of the grandmother’s death.
“The only way you’ll cross the lake and go to the land of the dead,” he said, and he was leaning up on his elbow, pointing with a skinny finger at Lyra, “is with your own deaths. You must call up your own deaths. I have heard of people like you, who keep their deaths at bay. You don’t like them, and out of courtesy they stay out of sight. But they’re not far off. Whenever you turn your head, your deaths dodge behind you. Wherever you look, they hide. They can hide in a teacup. Or in a dewdrop. Or in a breath of wind. Not like me and old Magda here,” he said, and he pinched her withered cheek, and she pushed his hand away. “We live together in kindness and friendship. That’s the answer, that’s it, that’s what you’ve got to do, say welcome, make friends, be kind, invite your deaths to come close to you, and see what you can get them to agree to.”
His words fell into Lyra’s mind like heavy stones, and Will, too, felt the deadly weight of them.
“How should we do that?” he said.
“You’ve only got to wish for it, and the thing is done.”
“Wait,” said Tialys.
Every eye turned to him, and those deaths lying on the floor sat up to turn their blank, mild faces to his tiny, passionate one. He was standing close by Salmakia, his hand on her shoulder. Lyra could see what he was thinking: he was going to say that this had gone too far, they must turn back, they were taking this foolishness to irresponsible lengths.
So she stepped in. “Excuse me,” she said to the man Peter, “but me and our friend the Chevalier, we’ve got to go outside for a minute, because he needs to talk to his friends in the moon through my special instrument. We won’t be long.”
And she picked him up carefully, avoiding his spurs, and took him outside into the dark, where a loose piece of corrugated iron roofing was banging in the cold wind with a melancholy sound.
“You must stop,” he said as she set him on an upturned oil drum, in the feeble light of one of those anbaric bulbs that swung on its cable overhead. “This is far enough. No more.”
“But we made an agreement,” Lyra said.
“No, no. Not to these lengths.”
“All right. Leave us. You fly on back. Will can cut a window into your world, or any world you like, and you can fly through and be safe, that’s all right, we don’t mind.”
“Do you realize what you’re doing?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t. You’re a thoughtless, irresponsible, lying child. Fantasy comes so easily to you that your whole nature is riddled with dishonesty, and you don’t even admit the truth when it stares you in the face. Well, if you can’t see it, I’ll tell you plainly: you cannot, you must not risk your death. You must come back with us now. I’ll call Lord Asriel and we can be safe in the fortress in hours.”
Lyra felt a great sob of rage building up in her chest, and stamped her foot, unable to keep still.
“You don’t know ,” she cried, “you just don’t know what I got in my head or my heart, do you? I don’t know if you people ever have children, maybe you lay eggs or something, I wouldn’t be surprised, because you’re not kind, you’re not generous, you’re not considerate – you’re not cruel , even – that would be better , if you were cruel, because it’d mean you took us serious, you didn’t just go along with us when it suited you… Oh, I can’t trust you at all now! You said you’d help and we’d do it together, and now you want to stop us – you’re the dishonest one, Tialys!”
“I wouldn’t let a child of my own speak to me in the insolent, high‑handed way you’re speaking, Lyra – why I haven’t punished you before – ”
“Then go ahead! Punish me, since you can ! Take your bloody spurs and dig ‘em in hard, go on! Here’s my hand – do it! You got no idea what’s in my heart, you proud, selfish creature – you got no notion how I feel sad and wicked and sorry about my friend Roger – you kill people just like that “ – she snapped her finger – ”they don’t matter to you – but it’s a torment and a sorrow to me that I never said good‑bye to him, and I want to say sorry and make it as good as I can – you’d never understand that, for all your pride, for all your grown‑up cleverness – and if I have to die to do what’s proper, then I will , and be happy while I do. I seen worse than that. So if you want to kill me, you hard man, you strong man, you poison bearer, you Chevalier, you do it, go on, kill me. Then me and Roger can play in the land of the dead forever, and laugh at you, you pitiful thing.”
What Tialys might have done then wasn’t hard to see, for he was ablaze from head to foot with a passionate anger, shaking with it; but he didn’t have time to move before a voice spoke behind Lyra, and they both felt a chill fall over them. Lyra turned around, knowing what she’d see and dreading it despite her bravado.
The death stood very close, smiling kindly, his face exactly like those of all the others she’d seen; but this was hers, her very own death, and Pantalaimon at her breast howled and shivered, and his ermine shape flowed up around her neck and tried to push her away from the death. But by doing that, he only pushed himself closer, and realizing it, he shrank back toward her again, to her warm throat and the strong pulse of her heart.
Lyra clutched him to her and faced the death directly. She couldn’t remember what he’d said, and out of the corner of her eye, she could see Tialys quickly preparing the lodestone resonator, busy.
“You’re my death, en’t you?” she said.
“Yes, my dear,” he said.
“You en’t going to take me yet, are you?”
“You wanted me. I am always here.”
“Yes, but… I did , yes, but… I want to go to the land of the dead, that’s true. But not to die. I don’t want to die. I love being alive, and I love my daemon, and… Daemons don’t go down there, do they? I seen ‘em vanish and just go out like candles when people die. Do they have daemons in the land of the dead?”
“No,” he said. “Your daemon vanishes into the air, and you vanish under the ground.”
“Then I want to take my daemon with me when I go to the land of the dead,” she said firmly. “And I want to come back again. Has it ever been known, for people to do that?”
“Not for many, many ages. Eventually, child, you will come to the land of the dead with no effort, no risk, a safe, calm journey, in the company of your own death, your special, devoted friend, who’s been beside you every moment of your life, who knows you better than yourself – ”
“But Pantalaimon is my special and devoted friend! I don’t know you, Death, I know Pan and I love Pan and if he ever – if we ever – ”
The death was nodding. He seemed interested and kindly, but she couldn’t for a moment forget what he was: her very own death, and so close.
“I know it’ll be an effort to go on now,” she said more steadily, “and dangerous, but I want to, Death, I do truly. And so does Will. We both had people taken away too soon, and we need to make amends, at least I do.”