For more than three weeks I had tried to refresh my blood with a brew made out of strawberry roots, sea urchins and saltpeter, when my milliner advised me that I could make use of the services of a member of the ecclesiastical authorities. Even though I felt hale and hearty at that time, I was not yet convinced of having been fully cured and I was still in doubt whether my rosebush could be approached without the danger of being stung by a possible thorn.
If it had been a member of the laity with whom I had been required to enter into an affair, it would not have bothered my conscience one whit to leave it up to fate and have him run the risk of regretting our get-together. But since it concerned a priest, my only concern was to clean him out thoroughly without laying myself open to the possibility of the occurrence of any incidents. Because it takes a thief to catch a thief.
Since it is these gentlemen's profession to impress people in everything, using the hypocritical veil of Christian and moral virtues, moreover, since these devout papists are willing to preach to us for one single franc those matters which they would not do themselves for a hundred-thousand, in a word, since the swindlers of this world do not offer their services with any other goal in mind than to fatten themselves upon the fruits of hard labor and then derisively laugh about our tremendous expenses, I firmly believed I would render a service rather than commit a crime if I accidentally were to give such a person a reason and an opportunity to complain about my behavior. Therefore, after careful consideration, I decided to be willing and ready to receive his attentions. I had also firmly made up my mind to relieve him — if at all possible — of everything, including his last clerical collar.
Just imagine some kind of a satyr, as shaggy as Lycaon, whose puffy and haggard looks betrayed a sensual temperament and a failing will to abstinence which was clearly shown in his features, where sheer lust shone through his hypocritically veiled gaze… But, let us not finish his portrait because I am afraid that my quill would not do him justice and a malicious reader might draw the wrong conclusions. I never had expected from a man of the cloth the gallantry he showed me. It was as graceful and elegant as one of those repeater watches made by Julien le Roi, full of incredibly intertwined dainty and decorative ornaments, sprinkled here and there with pearls and diamonds. I must admit, upon my word of honor, that I had never seen a member of the clergy who was a better example of the exception to the famous rule, “Every good priest is a poor man.” On the contrary, he was such a stupid spendthrift that it did not take me more than two weeks before he had to start selling his indulgences for one thousand louis a piece. He was just the man who would have sold out the entire clergy just to please me, if I had not given him the message that I was ill and indisposed. When the truth sank in, his love for me turned into blind fury and it would not have taken much more to push him over the brink and have him commit an assault upon me. I therefore sought refuge in the brazen boldness to which the women of my profession are so well-versed. I talked to him so firmly that he was thunderstruck. I told him in no uncertain terms that I considered it a hazardous undertaking to insult me in such a shameless manner. It would do him justice if I had him thrown out of my window. The only thing he could possibly accuse me of, was my weakness for him. I moreover added that I had found out — to my utter surprise — how true the rumors were about people of his rank and standing; that I now had found out for myself how fully they deserved their horrible reputation of debauchees and libertines. I held that he might conceivably be used to that certain breed of women which dwells in houses of ill-repute. I also mentioned that, if it were not for that little bit of pity I still had for his unfortunate person, I would not hesitate to call in the authorities and have him arrested on the spot. And I made it plain that I had enough influence in certain circles to have him put away in a place where he could spend the remainder of his days in penance and chastisement to correct the vile ways in which he was wasting his earthly life.
This short and severe preaching had the effect I desired. The stricken spreader of the Gospel was so flabbergasted and so humiliated that he disappeared without uttering another sound. And I have never heard from him since. I hope that this may serve as a lesson for other gentlemen of the Church, and teach them that ingratitude, contempt and shame are usually the repercussions for their scandalous behavior. They have to be constantly on their guard and be very careful in their behavior if they want to command respect. It has become fairly well known that purity of morals and a virtuous way of life do not depend at all upon the clothes that are worn, and that the passions of lust rage with equal strength under the robes of the inhabitants of a monastery as they do in the trousers of worldly men. But a man of the world can do things which a priest cannot get away with. The latter is bound to a moral standard of living from which the other is allowed a certain freedom. It is the duty of a priest to at least keep up the pretense. He will have to hide his lusts and desires under a mask of virtue and devotion. It is his main duty to attract the attention of the others by going through the motions of the tenets of Christianity. These duties should take up all of his time and it would be impossible to expect more from him since that would be opposing the demands of Nature. It is up to Her and not to him to work miracles. The man of the Church must also avoid, at any and all cost, laying himself open to ridicule. In all his public dealings he should behave himself as if he had the entire situation under control. After all, that is what he gets paid for. And now, let us leave him in peace.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN. MYLORD
The painful memories of my charitable act toward the abbe caused me to be even more careful with my health. I followed my doctor's orders very conscientiously and soon I was able to contract a new alliance. I did not wait long.
A terribly rich man, or rather a terrible man who was very rich, offered me his golden respect and sterling love. He was a small, dumpy individual with a figure like a big toe, who waddled like a duck, constantly bothered by a Catalan sword which always seemed to be in the way, and a heavy sword-knot which dangled practically down to his ankles. His mental capacity matched his physical looks so perfectly that it would have been very embarrassing to be put to the task of finding out which one was the more preferable — they were created to go together. Maybe, dear reader, you ask yourself why there were so many freak creatures among my chosen ones? But don't forget that good-looking people are not always the richest, nor are they the ones who seek out a love affair with us. Among the ones who seek us out are idiots, blockheads and ugly faces with so much money they don't know what to do with it. And above all, you should never forget that we are only interested in our personal gain and that a poodle or a monkey with a well-filled purse stands a better chance for a loving reception than the most handsome cavalier in the world without one. That is the powerful magic of money which causes us to be on the lookout for personal gains and for those who are able to afford this.