“Say fuck stick one more time,” Jesus says so quietly Death isn’t even sure he heard the words.
The demon sure heard them. He takes two massive steps forward to leer over the man in the robe. He leans over and smiles a nightmare grin.
“FUCK STICK!” he roars so loud the hair on Jesus’s head ruffles as if in a strong breeze.
“I bless you,” Jesus says just loud enough to be heard. But his words are hurled like a spear at high speed.
The demon spontaneously turns inside out. His viscera spill out of his ass before he is torn limb from limb and then smeared at high speed across the pavement. What is left isn’t fit to piss on. It’s just green ooze and a couple of eyeballs.
“Any of you other fuck sticks want to play?” Jesus yells. He is met with silence.
He glares around from face to face. Demon and man alike. Some fall to their knees; others rise up on tiptoes to see what all the commotion is about.
“Save us. Please save us!” the cries come in earnest as the crowd begs for mercy.
A couple of the demons drop their whips and back away. The giant demon with a tiny dick for a head stops pushing the bulldozer and turns to face the man in dirty white. He takes one massive step toward him, and then another. With each stride, the highway feels like it is going to fall apart around them.
“I bless you.” Jesus smiles, and the demon is treated to the same exit. He is much larger than the first demon, and the mess he leaves behind will take a week to clean up. His little dick head flies across the crowd, bouncing off the heads of the herded humans before falling into the pit.
Jesus strides to the car with a swagger. He puts one hand on the side of the door and leaps over it to land with a soft whomp in the passenger seat. Death stows his scythe and jumps in beside him.
“That was fun!” Jesus smiles like a kid with a new toy.
“Are we just going to leave them?”
“Should I help and stop , *hiccup* every single crybaby? Did they ever do me for that?” He squints at Death.
“Good point, dude.”
“Let’s find a way down to the desert. I still want to have a little chat with that fother mucker down there.”
The car starts with a roar and the sound of Guns and Roses blares out. As they peel away from the herd of people, Death gets a look over the cliff at an enormous red shape half stuck in the sand. The highway might have been a long strip of road over flat ground, but now it drops off a few hundred feet. There are other things dropping as well. Columns of people fall as the pushing resumes. Hundreds of them drop like flailing rocks, arms and legs flapping as they cartwheel straight into the asshole of Satan himself.
“I wish I had a video camera,” Death whispers.
“We got any more Red Bull?”
Cease and Desist, You Evil Bastard
“We are nearing the target, Control,” Agent Fred Gallstone tells the microphone in his cuff sleeve as the Humscalade speeds through the desert toward the Lord of Darkness himself. Beelzebub.
Agent Clarence Lickspittle says nothing. He knows there is no one at Control. They passed the white van Gary used to drive, smeared with crimson and brown, as they pulled the Humscalade out of the warehouse. Fred stared in the opposite direction, but Agent M and Lickspittle both saw the thick pink chunks of Gary the demon left behind. Control is dead, Lickspittle thinks to himself and cracks a smile. Control is dead and I’m in charge. Mrs. Lickspittle’s baby boy is going to save the world, and as fucked up as the world is, that still has to count for something.
Agent Lickspittle looks at his longtime friend and partner Agent Gallstone and shakes his head softly. He knows his man is hurting, but he needs him to be at one hundred percent for the mission ahead. It’s not every day that you and your team of crack secret agents serve Lucifer a Cease and Desist notice in the middle of the Las Vegas desert. Especially while surrounded by seething hordes of howling demons and ravenous dead.
Agent M is sitting in the backseat, reloading all of his weapons and re-zipping all of his zippers when the Devil’s giant half-buried red ass comes into view. The earth around the massive ass cheeks has heaved and split, leaving the ground and highway uneven and broken. Hundreds of the undead stumble around the desert looking for any living flesh they can find. A stretch of highway has been twisted into the air where it hangs above the Devil’s asshole. A line of humans is moving slowly up the twisted path of asphalt and over the edge, prodded on by misshapen demons with pitchforks and swords.
Agent M screams, “Not again!”
The muscle-bound agent crawls up to the .50 caliber machine gun mounted on the top of the Humscalade. Agent M grabs the gun and opens fire on the hordes of the dead. Rotted body parts fly as the fifty cal rips the decaying bodies to shreds. Agent Gallstone stares out the opposite window and whispers into his cuff, “Visual confirmation of target, Control, well the ass end of the target.” He chokes a little. “The desert is dead and beautiful in its own way, Control, like you.”
“Fred…” Agent Lickspittle wants to console his partner, but he gets distracted when Agent M lets loose a small missile into the throng of undead.
“I vill make you vish you stayed deed!” the man screams.
Agent Gallstone turns and faces Agent Lickspittle with panic etched on his unshaven face. Lickspittle thinks for a split second that the explosion of sand and dead human parts has shocked Fred back to reality.
Agent Gallstone yells excitedly into his cuff, “Visual confirmation of target’s giant ugly fucking face, Control!”
Agent Lickspittle doesn’t care if Fred has gone shithouse-rat-crazy. As long as he can shoot his gun at any demons that attempt to intercept them, the man is okay in his book. Lickspittle turns and looks the Lord of Hades, Satan, right in his giant obsidian eyes. The Devil’s head protrudes from a gargantuan crevice in the side of a mountain, and it is fucking huge. Bigger than the Humscalade. Bigger than most houses. It regards the approaching vehicle with cool disinterest.
Agent Lickspittle cranks the wheel and slams on the brakes. Agent Gallstone grips the door and steadies himself without taking his eyes off the giant Devil face. Half a dozen razor-backed demons spring from the surrounding rocks. They gnash their teeth and charge the sideways-skidding Humscalade. Agent M opens fire, taking out the nearest two with the cruel efficiency that has made his name legend among other secret agents. The other four remain clustered, and Agent M fires a second missile and blows them to small smoking chunks. Satan flinches as shards of sandstone rain down across his giant exposed face.
“You guys are dicks!” the Lord of Darkness bellows with enough force to rock the Humscalade.
Agent Lickspittle straightens his tie and opens his door. Agent Gallstone tells his cuff, “We are making contact and serving the Cease and Desist, Control,” and opens his door as well.
Two more demons leap at them, and Agent M shoots them out of the air, follows the corpses to the ground, and then cuts them in half with the .50 caliber. Agent Lickspittle nods at Agent M, who responds with a thumbs-up.
“That was a jerk move, Satan,” Lickspittle says calmly as he stands in front of the giant red face “How about we call it even and get down to business?”
“Hmmph,” Satan hmmphs. “You guys are at the wrong end. Just turn around, follow the broken highway until you see the huge red ass crack sticking up into this blasted desert sun and jump right in, mother fuckers! Hahahahahahahahaha!”
“I don’t think so,” Agent Lickspittle says, neither impressed nor afraid. “We are special secret agents in the employ of the United States government.” He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a sealed letter. “This,” he waves it in front of the giant black eyes, “is a formal Cease and Desist order from the United States government. We are giving you until sunset to remove yourself and your legions from United States soil.”