Leon looks at the gore-stained heavenly weapon in his hands. He smiles and starts whirling in great uneven circles, holding out the axe so it whistles as it slices through the air. The axe cleaves limbs and heads from nearby demons and zombies, and they push each other into its path as they scramble to get out of its way. “FUCK YOU ALL!” Leon bellows. “I GOT SOMETHING FOR YA!”
“Whoa, asshole,” Pestilence says and backs away, holding the loaded crossbow in front of him. “I said stop that shit!”
A voice booms from above, “Pestilence? Is that you? What the fuck? I just got a dick hacked off and you are down here rolling in the fucking sand?”
Pestilence takes his eyes off of Leon just long enough to look at Satan and say, “You still got two, boss,” before Leon lets go of the axe and falls to his ass. The momentum of Leon’s spin sends the axe flying end over end like a medieval buzz saw. Pestilence ducks the twirling blade and shoots Leon with another hypodermic arrow, this one right in the middle of his forehead.
The mind-melting burn of the needle’s poison rushes into his head even though he plucks it out as fast as he can. He tosses the half-empty needle to the sand and watches the axe as it flies at Satan. Satan’s eyes go huge as the blade cuts cleanly through one of his two remaining dicks. He bellows, grabs his second dick stump, and stomps away, screaming, “Are you FUCKING kidding ME? In my ass not off with my dicks! FUCK!”
A massive dick-shaped shadow covers Bud as he tries to crawl away. He digs his hands into the sand and pulls his broken body a few inches. He reaches again, but the giant red schlong smashes to the ground on top of him, sending Bud into darkness.
Pestilence points and laughs at his pained Lord before reloading the crossbow and pointing it back at Leon. “Now I’ve got to eat your brain since you threw away your killer weapon, dumbsh…” His words are interrupted when the axe boomerangs back. It whistles as it passes through. His yellow eyes twitch. His long fingers claw at the air in front of him as his torso slides off his hips with a slurping sound like old people butt fucking. Both halves of Pestilence’s corpse hit the sand, and three-foot-thick worms burst forth and hiss at Leon. They burrow into the desert, leaving Pestilence’s body paper-thin and flapping in the breeze.
Chuzz dives for the back of the ice cream truck and misses, because the last thing into which he dove was a pool, and that thing was seventy feet long. He manages to grab onto the edge of the floor. He almost loses his grip, but Goatboy sticks out a hoof and Chuzz manages to grasp it.
“Get in the truck, you stupid cunt!” the goat yells.
“I’m damn well trying. Dammit!”
Goatboy clops backwards on three legs, dragging Chuzz along with him. Chuzz gets his feet up on the bumper of the vehicle and pushes his way inside, then collapses on the floor and tries not to throw up. The truck shifts. Did he forget to set the brakes? Come to think of it, he never started the damn truck. He just pointed it at the sky and took off.
Stupid trip to Vegas. He can’t even find Leon in the mess out there. Stupid devil and his delicious floating glory hole box. If Chuzz were big enough, he’d stick his dick in there too. But he will never get the chance because he is probably going to die here after what Edwina did to the Devil.
Satan screams from down below. Well, speak of the Devil. Chuzz crawls over to the edge of the truck and peers out. Someone has cut off one of the monster’s other cocks. Satan reels back and then starts stomping the ground in a frenzy, smashing hapless demons. The massive army of demons tries to get out of the way, but many of them are smashed to red and yellow pus in the process.
“I’m gonna fuck that box and then I’m going gonna fuck the world and every one of you assholes!” Satan yells. He grabs hold of the giant metal monstrosity, pulls it nearby and then pounds into it.
Chuzz is nearly tossed out of the back of the truck. He holds onto Goatboy as the truck rocks back and forth.
“Get us out of here for fuck’s sake!” Goatboy screams.
Chuzz stares at the goat, then at the big red face a mere fifteen feet from him. Phil bounces around the cabin like he has been straight for months. He seems to have a lot of energy now, no doubt all of it directed at self-preservation.
“That’s right! You are next. No matter what you do or where you go, I am the Devil, and I will find you, Nathan P. Chuzzle. I will find you, and I will fuck you until you bleed, boy! Until you fucking bleed!”
Chuzz shakes his head at the horrendous image. He points the microphone behind his head and gives it a little push. The truck lifts a few inches and then rockets back a quarter mile, which once again almost makes Chuzz fall out the back.
“Shit!” He falls to all fours again.
“Shut the fucking door, mate!” Goatboy yells.
“Then I can’t see the box. The beautiful box. It’s a work of art. I need one. I need one bad.” Chuzz is almost in a daze as he watches Satan fuck the giant metal box. The thing moves back and forth, back and forth, like a giant pendulum designed to hypnotize Nathan Chuzzle.
He lifts the microphone and points it at the devil. If he throws the guy, maybe he will leave Chuzz alone; he will know he should fear him. He triggers the button and points it carefully. He doesn’t know if he can even move something that large.
Phil picks that moment, that very moment to stroll up to Chuzz in his very vulnerable position and punch him right in the left ass cheek. He bucks forward, his finger hits the little red button, and the truck shoots straight at the giant box. He doesn’t even have time to think about what he is about to do. He points the microphone, triggers the other button and flings the glory hole away.
The box is there one second and gone the next. It smashes into the side of the chasm and explodes on impact, breaking it into hundreds of tiny glory hole boxes that scream in unison.
Satan doesn’t take the move well. He roars at the sky again. As the ice cream truck shoots past him, Chuzz gets a look at a very pissed-off red face that is glaring down at a torso now missing no fewer than three cocks.
“You’ve unmanned me!” Satan yells.
The truck smashes into the ground, bouncing on impact and blowing out two of the wheels. The door slams shut and Chuzz ricochets off of it and onto Goatboy.
Goatboy in turn rolls into Phil. Then just for good measure, the truck rolls into something and comes to a sudden grinding halt. All three passengers smash into the door, and everything goes black.
The demon swoops to the ground so fast that Edwina drops the gun. The weapon falls away, and no amount of cursing will bring it back. The demon lands violently, and she is tossed off like a sack of potatoes.
She lands in the sand with her head staring directly up at Satan, who no longer has any dicks. Well too bad for the cockmaster. Too bad indeed.
She pulls the other .45 from her holster, levels it at the winged demon and blows his head clean off. Fuck you, crashing boy. Could have had it the easy way, but you had to be an asshole. The creature flops down in front of her and gurgles air through its neck, which is all that’s left at the top of its body.
She struggles to sit up but almost passes out when she tries to breathe deeply. Her chest feels like it has a hole in it. She can barely get in a breath, and she wonders if a rib has punctured her lung.
Sound comes back and she remembers she is in a war. Demons are running all over the damn place, screaming and howling. A figure on horseback flashes by, and for a half a second she things it is the weird creature that Marcel shot.