When I opened my eyes again I was human, though my tooth was no longer chipped. I smiled at that thought. I also now knew how fine the line between reality and illusion was. My body was in some fundamental way a product of my ‘vision’. If I changed the way I thought of it, it would change in response.
It occurred to me that I should test my theory. I closed my eyes again, but Moira’s voice broke my concentration, “Don’t,” she said.
“Don’t what?” I asked.
“Don’t try that… you haven’t learned enough yet. Shape shifting is in some ways the simplest of the arts but it is also fraught with the most dangers. The only thing you should attempt until you’ve had at least some basic advice is what you just did, returning to your proper form,” she answered.
“How did you know what I was thinking?”
“I have been acting as your miellte, since you badly need one. I am ‘listening’ to you, as best I can,” she responded.
“You can see my thoughts?” I asked curiously, and perhaps secretly a bit alarmed.
She smiled, “Not exactly. I can anticipate your actions and feel some of your emotions, but I don’t know exactly what you are thinking.”
For some reason that was the point when my normal human emotions kicked in again, while I had been in the form of an earthen giant I had felt only anger, the emotion I had been feeling when I changed. Now that I was flesh and blood again my normal ‘range’ seemed to be restored and my grief came back to me, washing over me like a river of sadness. “So you can feel my emotions now then?” I said in a voice devoid of the emotion I was feeling.
Though she was made of earth Moira’s features were as finely done as any mortal’s, her eyes revealed a deep sympathy within them. “Yes, I can feel your sorrow. I have known times such as these myself.”
“But you do not hear the question in my heart?”
“No,” she answered.
“Today I have seen the power I possess. A power so great it could destroy everything, yet I was unable to protect those most dear to me. I want to know why. Why?” As I asked the question I felt my anger returning, but I didn’t allow it to overwhelm me this time.
Moira’s expression changed as I spoke, becoming more stern. “Listen to me son of Illeniel, and I will tell you what I learned at great cost, once, long ago, ages before you were born. The ability to destroy is the least form of power, though it is the first form that any power will take. Even an infant is able to destroy things, weak though it may be. Using your talent to build, to create, or to restore, those are the greater forms of power; and those forms require time and cultivation to mature.”
I listened carefully, despite my anger and sorrow, even then my mind was working, looking ahead. “What of the power to protect?” I asked.
She closed her eyes. “That is an illusion. There is no power to protect, only to destroy and create anew. Protection is a result of the mind and clever use of power to manipulate the actions of those that would harm you, but it is not a result of power itself.”
“That makes no sense. If you try to destroy something, or someone, and I prevent you I have exercised my power to protect.”
“How would you prevent me?” she replied. “You would either destroy me, or use the threat of destruction to alter my actions. The protection of whomever or whatever is a secondary result, not a primary result of power. Power only creates or destroys.”
I didn’t want to agree with her, but I couldn’t see the flaw in her reasoning. Tired, I decided to put the discussion aside for another day. “I don’t like your answer, but I’m too worn to debate it.”
She continued, “All that belies another point you must be aware of…”
“What’s that?”
“As I told you before, an archmage does not possess power, he ‘becomes’ it. The power you use is not your own, you merely borrow it, and if you use too much it will own you. Remember that.”
I gritted my teeth but said nothing. I knew very well what she meant but I was convinced there was more to it than that. At every turn I was being told that all power had a price, that the power I used would cost me my very life if I tried to use the amount I needed to stop a being such as Mal’goroth, or the shining gods. Yet I could see that there were many unknowns in this game, even Moira didn’t understand the full limitations, or possibilities of an archmage’s ability. If she did she would already understand what had just happened to me, and she had already admitted to some uncertainty there. And I am not just an archmage, I thought to myself. I possessed power in my own right, as a wizard, though it might pale before some of the foes arrayed against me.
Beyond that I knew that the power of the mind might provide answers that no amount of brute force could. Moira underestimated the importance of intelligence that I was sure of, because all of her training taught her that the greater uses of an archmage’s power would obliterate his (or her) mind or ability to think. The natural progression of that train of thought was that all power, beyond a certain point, would render meaningless an individual’s power of thought or personal will.
I refused to accept that notion. I knew from my time in the smithy that sometimes small applications of force could have great effects. Skillful use of power magnifies what is possible. I turned my back on Moira and began walking back toward Lancaster. “You may go for now Moira,” I said curtly. For once my patience and courtesy were gone, and I didn’t really care.
Somewhere deep, in one of the dark places of the world something woke. It stirred restlessly, stretching a body that had been still for almost a millennium. The world itself had shaken, as if it would throw off the shackles of dormancy and drown the world in fire. Things were still now, but it could feel a lingering expectancy, as if the world had merely gone quiet, hushed in waiting for some larger event.
Slowly it shook the dust from its ancient form and began making its way toward daylight and fresh air. It was hungry, for it hadn’t eaten in nigh on a thousand years.
Chapter 26
I returned to the Duke’s castle with William. I wasn’t sure what he had seen or felt, and for that matter I wasn’t sure what I had seen or felt either. My mind had been different in that other form and my memories were strange to me. William didn’t say anything when I found him and I didn’t volunteer any information. I did notice that he kept his distance and he gripped his bow with a certain anxiety I hadn’t seen in him before.
Walking through the main gate I noticed the guards looked shaken. I had an uneasy feeling that I might be the cause, but I said nothing, merely kept walking. When I reached the main door of the keep James met me. “Did you feel the earth shake?” he asked.
I could only assume he meant my theatrics an hour past. “Yes.”
“We’ve never had earthquakes here before, any idea what might have caused it?” His face was drawn in worry and concern.
“Not really,” I lied. I had a feeling he would learn the truth soon enough, if he didn’t suspect already, but I didn’t much care. I only had one goal now and it was hard to see past it.
Something in my demeanor must have tipped him off. “What is that look? You don’t seem very concerned about what happened.”
I shrugged, “I’m not particularly.” I stepped around him and started walking again.
“Where are you going?”
“To talk to that wizard you captured,” I said calmly.
Despite James’ age, experience, and smooth face, I felt a flicker of anxiety when he spoke again. It was very plain to see in the aura my mage-sight showed around him. “He isn’t awake yet.”
I stopped but didn’t turn to look at him. “Don’t lie to me James. I understand what you are trying to do, but please don’t try to lie to me.” After a brief pause I resumed walking, not waiting for a response.