‘Afraid, doctor? If you tell me there’s no risk for Stella, I think it’s wonderful.’
‘No risk. I could see that she has the tissues of a girl despite her forty-four years. If anything, what I’m afraid of is that the lady will be shocked. But it seems that Signora Stella is in good hands with you.’
* * *
‘How shameful! How can it be? Doctor Antonio and even the midwife told me that I was in menopause. Such a disgrace!’
‘Enough of that refrain! I’m happy that you’re not ill. What would I do without you, with that house to look after?’
‘Aren’t you going to ask me who he was?’
‘You have no obligation to tell me if you don’t want to, Stella.’
‘But I … I have to tell you even though I’m so ashamed. If I’ve done wrong, I feel I must take responsibility for my lapse. But you mustn’t tell the carusi. I’ll tell you, and afterwards if you don’t want to look at me anymore I’ll go back home. Because Stella made a huge mistake, becoming pregnant by Prando. He mustn’t know, but you must, and if you want to get angry at me, and justly so, you have a right to be angry and to even raise your hand to me! Stella won’t say a word, whether you insult me or hit me. It was a mistake.’
As she spoke she stood up slowly and now, sadly but without shame, she looks me in the eye. Her direct gaze makes me set aside my earlier shock and emotion and stand up straight in front of her … Foolish surprise caught you, Modesta. I read on her face that it could not have been otherwise: in the familiarity of living together, I had forgotten her beauty. Dazzled by that perfect face, I’m spellbound as I fantasize about her and Prando … I should be jealous, I tell myself. I had been jealous of Prando on the Rotonda at La Plaia, but even if I wanted to, I can’t seem to call up that jealousy. To clearly understand my feelings and hers, I move closer, and with my palms feel the perfection of those cheeks, that neck …
‘You’re caressing me, Mody? Then you’re not angry.’
I put my hand over her mouth to stop her words. Words seem out of place on those warm, perfect lips. She expects me to judge her, but I can’t speak because instead of jealousy, I envy the young man who was able to conquer such beauty.
‘You, Stella, nursed my Jacopo and raised Bambolina and Prando, and this devotion of yours is priceless, you know that. And you know that any mistake, as you call it, was one of affection, and neither I nor anyone else can condemn you for it.’
‘Could I have possibly denied that caruso consolation? Maybe I should have, but I’m not strong, and I would have done anything not to see him cry after that night.’
‘What night, Stella?’
‘The night you two went at it, and he felt he was thrown out of this house.’
The exact logic of life appeared to me so clearly that I heard myself say: ‘The ways of desire are infinite.’
‘The ways of the Lord, did you say, Mody? Do you mean to say that this creature is blessed?’
I mustn’t correct her feeling. She has a benign Lord made of flesh and blood, that starry-eyed woman.
‘Yes, Stella, for me this creature is blessed.’
‘È arrivato l’ambasciatore a cavallo d’un cammello … È arrivato…,’ Crispina sings, the Ambassador has arrived, riding on a camel99 …
‘Oh God! Here comes Crispina! The carusi … I’m so ashamed! What will we do about the picciriddi, Mody? What a disgrace!’
‘Calm down, Stella. I’ll see to the carusi. You pack our bags. Ample ones; count on us being away for six months.’
‘Six months, Mody? Why?’
‘Because I don’t trust the doctors around here. Remember how simpatico that young doctor in Milan was?’
‘Oh, yes, yes! I didn’t feel ashamed with him.’
‘There, you see? We’ll do what he suggested: your baby will be born in Switzerland.’
‘But I’ll be lost up there alone!’
‘I’ll be with you the whole time. Jacopo and Bambolina will take over the reins of the household. They’re grown now, and it’s time they had to face notaries and tax documents. I can use a rest myself.’
‘If that’s the case, it’s all right with me. Only the continent is so expensive!’
‘Mattia took care of matters for me in America. He came back with a fortune. Bambolina will have to deal with this too … Come in, come in, Crispina. Jacopo, come in! Have you finished studying?’
‘All done, Mama. Teaching Crispina is a joy. It nearly makes me want to go into teaching … How beautiful you look this morning, Stella! Seeing how well they restored you up there on the continent, I’m glad I’ve decided to become a doctor.’
Stella’s eyes stare at me terrified as Crispina clambers up on her lap, still singing,‘The Ambassador has arrived, with a feather in his cap! The Ambassador has arrived, riding on a camel…’
Stella is afraid of the carusi, and she’s right. To my surprise, I realize that I too fear their judgement. But I have Gaia inside me, whispering to me: ‘Don’t discuss it with them! Do what your conscience tells you to do.’ I would never have imagined that growing old brought with it a fear of young people. Was the anxiety I felt inside a sign of old age perhaps? When did it begin? Too many problems fill my head as Jacopo shouts and laughs, chasing Crispina around the room: he’s gone from being a teacher to being a child again … they’re playing cowboys and Indians.
* * *
I thought about it as I walked with Stella along the clinic’s opulent, sterile lane, which lacked any fragrance, or wandered with her through the spotless streets of that odourless, sparkling village with its small shops like those of a crèche … and I would have been able to make sense of it, I would definitely have come to terms with it if Stella hadn’t died while giving birth to a tender dumpling of flesh — so he seems, now that I hold him in my arms — though too big for her weak heart: ‘Yet we operated right away!.. Too big, Princess, nearly nine pounds … A weak heart!’ the doctor repeated.
The heart of a girl, a traditional heart pierced by shame, I add mentally. Naturally, her carusi, whom I informed by letter — four gentle but direct letters — responded immediately with kind words. ’Ntoni, pleased to have passed the entrance examination to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts with a scholarship — ‘Just think, Modesta, 800 liras per month! I’m independent!’ — even joked about the matter, saying the only problem was that it reinforced his envy of Prando who — damn that guy! — always won the affection of all the beautiful women … But she, Stella, in her heart of hearts … what would she have felt that morning listening to her children’s replies? She, who could neither read nor write?
The terrible doubt that it had been shame alone that killed her was so overwhelming that for months and months I could no longer think of myself, nor of the newborn child whom Bambolina named Carlo after her father, and whom she allowed no one to touch … What are they saying, sitting around the old oval table of their childhood, radiant with lights, crystals and flowers? Oh, yes! After six months of mourning for Stella’s death, Bambolina decided to celebrate little Carlo’s arrival here among us … Even ’Ntoni has come to pay homage to his little brother, and as usual he holds forth like a true leading man: ‘A far cry from an autocratic feast, my dear Bambuccia! Here we eat! In Rome, people are starving to death. I must be truthfuclass="underline" more so than for Carluzzo I came to sbafare, to scrounge a free meal as they say in Rome … The Academy is a real centre of Fascist resistance … There are some amazing people, from the director Silvio D’Amico to Vito Pandolfi, the Da Venezia … I finally met your Jose, Modesta, and here I thought he was made up! He’s a true hero. He came to see me and he sends you his warm regards. He travelled down from Paris in disguise to get in touch with the workers in Turin.’