‘Don’t be silly, Sister Giuliana! For us women raised in obedience and humility it makes little difference whether or not we’re alone. And then too, we must understand and forgive ignorance. We are all God’s sheep! And I sense that even Nina, deep down, isn’t as bad as she seems. I will help her, and my stay here may perhaps be a sign of the Lord. Maybe I was called to lead this lost sheep back to the right path! In fact, I would beseech the Mother Superior to please grant me the consolation of caring for this soul. It will serve as atonement for my sins.’
‘Sins, Princess? You? Defamation, I’m certain of it. I was just speaking about it with the Mother Superior.’
‘We are all sinners! Tell the Mother Superior that I feel I must remain with this lost soul until she finds her way.’
‘A saint! I tell you, you’re a saint! I’ll go and tell her right away…’
‘A saint, my eye! You nearly had me convinced, Mody! I was about to lose my temper. Here she comes again. What is she, a train?’
‘Oh, Princess, the Mother Superior says that you are too good, much too good! She also says not to concern yourself because the teacher offered to share her cell — oh, forgive me — her room with Nina. What’s more, she says … but no, no, don’t be upset!’
‘What? You want to deny me the consolation of atoning for my sins by seeing to…’
‘What sins!’
‘Sins, Sister Giuliana! Or do you feel you are without sin? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! And if God sent me here, it’s a sign that I failed at something. It cannot be otherwise, because the Lord sees everything.’
‘Oh, Holy Virgin! How well the Mother Superior understands you, even if she’s never seen you! It’s always that way among higher souls; she talks just like you do. With those very same words she said to me: “Go and try to persuade her. But she’ll refuse, you’ll see.” Excuse me now. I’ll go and ask for her confirmation; that way we’ll put an end to it, because I have a lot of work to do! We have to finish putting up the blue paper for the blackouts and … then there’s such a crowd, it’s like the end of the world. This is the end of the world, not just a war!’
The slamming of the door makes me open my eyes: when Argentovivo leaves my room she slams the door. No, she wasn’t the one who slammed the doors; she’s the maid. Gaia shouts and slams doors, and now that she’s decided to send Beatrice away to boarding school, it won’t be easy to make her change her mind …
‘It’s all settled. Oh, what a day! God forgive me, I can’t take it anymore, all the blessed day up and down the stairs! Nina can remain here … What are you doing, Princess? No, no, please, get up!’
On the ground, on my knees, hands over my eyes so I won’t see the struggle in Nina’s face, flushed from the effort to keep her mouth shut and not laugh. It’s she who makes me want to laugh. And it must also be my empty stomach tickling me with airy fingertips … It can’t be joy; I never heard that you could find so much joy in prison.
‘Princess, please, get up. I’m not worthy!’
‘God sees us, Sister Giuliana. None of us are worthy, yet all of us are worthy. Give my thanks to the Mother Superior and leave me to pray to the Lord who has granted me this grace.’
‘Pray, pray. I’m going. Such humility! And you, you ill-mannered creature, let her pray, do you understand? Let her pray!’
I have to dig my nails into my forehead to keep from laughing. It must truly be joy, because when the door slams shut and I can finally give in to laughter, the putrid walls, the wretched cots, the bucket no longer exist, just Nina’s flushed face. Now that her scars are beginning to fade, her strong features have a gentle turn. Maybe Nina is beautiful under that frightful mask. And when she, too, starts laughing — maybe she sensed my joy — and whispers ‘You were great, Mody’, I can’t help throwing my arms around her neck — she’s tall and I have to stand on tiptoe — and kissing her on the mouth, a mouth brimming with minute white pearls that dazzle my eyes and my mind. When I bite them her lips have the tart, sweet taste of blackberries faintly chilled by the dew. Nina must be strong since, as we laugh, she can lift me off the ground and whirl me into a spinning waltz: one-two-three, one-two-three! ‘And now, the grand finale, the galop. Headlong among the unsteady walls, the armchairs, the chandeliers swaying over my head like so many suns…’
‘Are you dizzy? I can believe it: on an empty stomach! We’re crazy to squander our energy this way! Come on, let’s eat the soup before it gets cold. We shouldn’t squander our energy in here. No, it’s not your fault, you’re a novice, but me … Christ! It’s just that, if you must know, you touched me, that’s what. Who would imagine! Nina, moved. Annamo bene!… That’s a good one!104 Okay now, that’s enough, let’s eat … Oh, Mody, for a second I forgot where I was. Don’t look so disheartened! What’s wrong? Are you offended by what I said? I’m not angry with you, nennella. How can I explain it? I’m angry with Nina. It’s Nina who’s experienced with jails, not you. Now do as I say! It’s awful, I know, but it’s nourishing…’
Maybe because I’m no longer nauseous, or maybe because after stirring the soup she takes a spoonful and brings it to my mouth, I hear myself say with conviction: ‘You’re right, Nina. It’s not so bad, and it warms you.’
‘There, you said it. In here, Nina is always right, at least as far as — how can I put it? — physical matters are concerned. We should also walk back and forth. We’ll start tomorrow. Wash as best we can, not let either dejection or euphoria take hold of us. Euphoria is especially harmfuclass="underline" at first you think it’s good for you, like wine, but then it can be more tiring than giving yourself a hand job, for God’s sake!’
‘We shouldn’t?’
‘Of course we can, but not every day. It wears you out. You have to establish an exact time. Hey, I know a thing or two about it!’
‘So we can’t dance anymore like we did before?’
‘You’re too much, Mody.’
‘Then we can’t?’
‘Prudently … Oh, no, all of it! you have to finish all the soup. What was I saying? Oh, yes: you’re too much when you come out with things like … what do you call those bullies when they come to get you? “Those signori!.. those gentlemen have invited me to have a friendly chat.” I like you, Mody, and now that I’ve found you I wouldn’t want to lose you for anything in the world. Let’s make a pact. As you saw, I realized that you were right and I changed my tune with Sister Giuliana, so you should also change how you act when Nina is right … Here they come, to invite you to have a chat. You’d think we had called them! Come on, gulp it down quickly, finish it all up.’
‘If I finish it, will you kiss me when I come back?’
‘Of course, but prudently. We can’t wear ourselves out.’
With that sure promise singing in my mind, the shouts of those signori no longer hurt my ears and ‘chatting’ becomes easier day by day. So easy that they sometimes fall silent, amazed, in their soiled, badly sewn uniforms … Now, after the blinding lights, the shouting and the silences, I return safely to the cell’s darkness, reach out my hands and I know that, in a matter of seconds, I will find two warm, open arms, and a breast on which I can sink my head, drowning all thought.
‘Did you put the pillows under the covers?’
‘Yes, Nina, like you taught me.’
Nina thinks of everything: my cot lies in the path of the peephole.
‘Can we touch each other?’
‘No, go to sleep like a good girl. We have to wait for a day when they give us an egg.’
‘Is it tomorrow that they’ll give us one?’