The air feels like the inside of a fridge when they get out on to the street, and the alcohol hits Jan over the head like a hammer. He staggers and looks at his watch; it’s almost two o’clock. Late, very late. But he’s free until nine o’clock tomorrow evening. He can sleep all day.
Lilian looks around and spots a taxi across the street. ‘Mine!’ she screeches. ‘See you!’ She makes her way unsteadily over the road, gets into the taxi and is gone.
Hanna is still standing there. ‘Lilian lives quite a long way out... Where do you live, Jan?’
‘Pretty close.’ He raises his left arm and waves it vaguely towards the east. ‘Over there, just across the railway line.’
‘OK, let’s head over there,’ she says.
‘What, back to mine?’
She shakes her head. ‘No, just as far as the railway line. I’ll walk with you. I’m heading in the same direction.’
‘Great,’ says Jan, trying to sober up.
They set off along the pavement, side by side, and after fifteen minutes they reach the tracks running past the town centre.
‘This is where we go our separate ways.’
The sky above them is black, the railway line is empty.
Jan lowers his gaze and looks at Hanna. Her shining blue eyes, her blonde hair, her cool face. She is beautiful, but he knows he isn’t interested in her — not in that way. But he carries on staring in silence.
‘What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?’ Hanna is asking him.
‘The worst thing?’ Jan looks at her. He definitely knows the answer. ‘I’ll have to think about that... so what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?’
‘Lots of things,’ says Hanna.
‘Name one.’
She shrugs her shoulders. ‘Being unfaithful, letting friends down... The usual stuff, I suppose.’
‘Oh?’
‘When I was twenty I slept with my best friend’s fiancé, in a boathouse. She found out and broke off the engagement... but we’re friends again now. Kind of.’
‘Kind of?’ says Jan.
‘We exchange Christmas cards.’ She sighs. ‘But that’s my problem.’
‘What is?’
‘I let people down.’ She blinks and looks at him. ‘I expect to be let down, so I get in first.’
‘OK... Thanks for the warning!’
He is smiling, but Hanna isn’t. Silence falls once more. Hanna is beautiful, but all Jan wants to do now is sleep. He turns and looks over at the apartment block where he lives. No doubt they’re all fast asleep now, all those good people. Like the animals, like the trees...
‘So what about you, Jan?’
‘What?’
Hanna is staring at him. ‘Do you remember the worst thing you’ve ever done?’
‘Maybe...’
What did he actually do, that time at Lynx? Jan tries to remember. But the buildings are tilting around him and he seems to be feeling even more drunk, and suddenly the words just come out of their own accord: ‘I once did something stupid... at a nursery in my home town. In Nordbro.’
‘What did you do? What did you do, Jan?’
‘I was looking after the children, it was my first temporary post, and I made a mess of things... I lost a child.’ Jan stares down at the ground, smoothing out an uneven patch of grass with his foot.
‘You lost a child?’
‘Yes. I took a group of children out into the forest, along with a colleague... the group was much too big, really. And when we set off home we didn’t have the right number of children with us. One boy got left behind in the forest, and it was... it was partly my fault.’
‘When was this?’
Jan keeps his eyes fixed on the ground. Lynx. He remembers everything, of course. He remembers the air in the forest, just as cold as it is tonight.
‘Nine years ago... almost exactly nine years ago. It was in October.’
Don’t say any more, he thinks, but Hanna’s blue eyes are gazing intently at him.
‘What was the name of the boy?’
Jan hesitates. ‘I don’t remember,’ he says eventually.
‘So what happened in the end?’ Hanna asks.
‘He was... everything was fine. In the end.’ Jan sighs and adds, ‘But the parents were absolutely devastated, they just broke down completely.’
Hanna shrugs. ‘Idiots... I mean, it was their kid who ran off. They hand over their precious little ones and then expect us to take all the responsibility. Don’t you agree?’
Jan nods, but he is already regretting his confession. Why did he tell her about Lynx? He’s pissed, he’s a drunk. ‘You won’t say anything about this, will you?’
Hanna is still looking at him. ‘To one of the big bosses, you mean?’
‘Yes, or to...’
‘I won’t say anything, Jan. It’s cool.’ She yawns and looks at her watch. ‘I need to go home... I’ve got to get up early for work in the morning.’ She stands on tiptoe and gives him a quick hug. A little bit of warmth in the night. ‘Sleep well, Jan. See you at work.’
‘OK.’
He watches her set off towards the town centre, like a blonde dream figure. Alice Rami is also like a dream to Jan — she is just as vague and indistinct as a poem or a song. All girls are like dreams...
Why did he tell Hanna about Lynx?
Jan’s head slowly begins to clear, and with clarity comes regret.
He shakes his head and unlocks the door. Time to sleep, then work. He’s behaved like an obedient dog for two weeks, and now it’s time for his reward. A night shift all by himself up at the Dell.
15
‘This is the emergency telephone,’ says Marie-Louise, pointing to a grey phone on the wall in the staffroom, next to Jan’s locker. ‘All you have to do is pick up the receiver and wait, and it rings through automatically.’
‘Where to?’
‘To the main security office by the entrance to the hospital. They’re on duty around the clock over there, so someone will always answer.’ She gives Jan a slightly embarrassed smile and adds, ‘Sometimes it’s nice to know that there’s somebody not too far away at night... although I’m sure you’ll be fine here, won’t you?’
‘Absolutely.’ Jan nods and straightens his back so that he looks alert.
Marie-Louise runs her hand slightly nervously over her throat. ‘Obviously you must ring them if anything happens, but we’ve never needed to do that up to now...’ She quickly turns away from the emergency phone, as if she would prefer to forget about it. ‘So, any questions?’
Jan shakes his head. Marie-Louise has gone through all the routine procedures twice, so he is well prepared. And stone-cold sober. He felt quite shaky when he woke up this morning after the night in Bill’s Bar, but he’s fine now.
It is the Friday evening of his second week at the Dell, and his first night shift — his first night shift ever, in fact. He is on duty from nine thirty in the evening until eight o’clock on Saturday morning, but he has been told that he doesn’t need to stay awake all the time. There is a sofa bed in the staffroom and he can sleep all night, as long as he wakes up if one of the three children needs help or reassurance.
‘Everything seems very clear,’ he says.
‘Good,’ says Marie-Louise. ‘Did you bring your own bedlinen?’
‘I did. And my toothbrush.’
Marie-Louise smiles and seems satisfied. She has already put on her coat and her woolly hat, and she opens the door to face the darkness outside. ‘In that case I will wish you a peaceful night, Jan. Hanna will come and take over in the morning, and I’ll see you tomorrow evening. Goodnight!’