Mr. Oyster: If it was only me, I would say pay the pension and glad to do it.
Mr. Hinsch: That’s right. I would be the first one to vote for it.
Mr. Oyster: The trouble is them goddam Water Witches.
Mr. Hinsch: Them Water Witches sure would raise hell. And what makes it bad, them Water Witches is all from the upper end of town and they pay the taxes.
Mr. Oyster: Them Semper Fidelises ain’t got no money.
Mr. Hinsch: Most of them Semper Fidelises pays rent. It’s them Water Witches owns the property, or their people does.
Mr. Oyster: They pay rent when they pay it. I swear to God, I don’t see how half of them boys get along.
Mr. Hinsch: Now what I say, it ain’t nothing against them boys that they’re poor people, like of that. But when them people that pays taxes comes in here and puts up a holler, why you got to pay some attention to it.
Mr. Oyster: They put up a holler all right. You could hear them a mile. They plumb wore me out.
Mr. Matchett: There wasn’t no trouble about it, was there? What I mean, nobody didn’t drop no blackball against me, did they?
Mr. Hinsch: Not a one.
Mr. Oyster: I don’t believe I ever saw a application go through as quick as hisn, did you, Hinsch?
Mr. Hinsch: Same as a greased pig.
Mr. Matchett: You know what I would tell them Rotarys if they was to come along and ask me to get in it? I’d tell them to go plumb to hell. The Odd Fellows is good enough for me.
Mr. Hinsch: I wouldn’t stay up late nights waiting for them to ask you to get in it. They wouldn’t have such a no-account piece of trash as you in it.
Mr. Oyster: Oh, no! Them Rotarys is a sassiety order. A-setting around the lunch table, making speeches and trying to make out like they knowed what all the tools was for.
Mr. Hinsch: They brung Jim Peasely a bowl of water to wash the fish smell offen his fingers and he drunk it.
Mr. Oyster: Thought it was soup.
Mr. Matchett: Don’t it beat all, the way them fellows does? I wouldn’t trade off one good order, like the Odd Fellows, for a dozen of them Rotarys.
Mr. Oyster: It’s a wonder them Rotarys wouldn’t help finish what they started. But nobody ain’t heard a word out of them since this trouble started.
Mr. Hinsch: Then there’s another way to look at it. If we listen to them Water Witches and don’t allow no pension, why, then we got all them Semper Fidelises saying Scotty got killed in line of duty, same as a soldier, and the town won’t do nothing for him.
Mr. Oyster: Say, Hinsch. That there is what they said, ain’t it? “Same as a soldier.” That there gives me a idea.
Mr. Hinsch: I hope to hell somebody’s got a idea. I ain’t.
Mr. Oyster: Hinsch, next Tuesday come a week is Decoration Day. Well, why not us get up a resolution, what I mean a real fancy resolution, saying Scotty died in line of duty same as a soldier, and appropriate some money to put a wreaf on his grave Decoration Day, and then say all the firemen had ought to have a festival to raise some money for Scotty’s family. How’s that hit you?
Mr. Hinsch: That ain’t so bad. How much is wreaves?
Mr. Oyster: They put up as pretty a wreaf as you want to see for twenty-five dollars. The town can afford twenty-five dollars.
Mr. Hinsch: Them Water Witches couldn’t hardly put up no squawk on twenty-five dollars. And that there would certainly help to satisfy them Semper Fidelises. They can make a whole lot of money on a festival, this time of year, if everybody gets out and works.
Mr. Oyster: And then we could put in that the commissioners has looked up the law and found it ain’t legal for the town to pay out a pension for Scotty. That there would make it look like we wanted to pay out a pension, only we couldn’t.
Mr. Hinsch: That’s right. And so far as that goes, they ain’t none of us don’t want to see something done for Scotty’s family.
Mr. Oyster: You and me was just saying if it was only us, we would give a pension and glad to do it.
Mr. Hinsch: And fact of the matter is, I ain’t no ways sure the commissioners is got power to pay out a pension. I ain’t said nothing about it, but if them Water Witches was to take it to court, I don’t believe it would stand up.
Mr. Oyster: Why, Hinsch, it stands to reason it ain’t legal. Them is the things people never think about.
Mr. Hinsch: That’s right. What makes me sick is this here no-account element, always kicking and putting up a holler, and you try to please them, and nothing ever suits them, and come to find out, they don’t know what they want.
Mr. Oyster: And then another thing. We’ll put in that them Rotarys had ought to help out with the festival. They done raised so much hell, now let them do a little work.
Mr. Hinsch: That’s right. Now le’s get this here resolution wrote up. This here has got to be a pretty good resolution, what I mean, not no regular resolution, but a fancy one, if it’s going to do the work. You write it.
Mr. Oyster: Not me. I ain’t much on writing. You write it.
Mr. Hinsch: All right.
(He sighs, and slowly collects pen and paper. Presently he starts to write. Mr. Oyster lights a cigar and watches him. Mr. Matchett dreamily looks out the window.)
Mr. Matchett (after a very long time, in the tempo of the intermezzo out of Cavalleria Rusticana): Boys... I tell you there ain’t nothing will do as much for a fellow... as a good fraternal order... If I was a young fellow... first thing I would join... would be the Junior Order... then the Heptasophs... or maybe the Red Men... then... the Odd Fellows... You can’t beat a good order... to help a young fellow along... Take, for instance... if you was to land broke... in some town... them lodge brothers... wouldn’t never let you jump no freight... to get home... I remember one time... over in Myersville... I lost forty-seven dollars... at a shell game... in the county fair... and when I got done... I didn’t have a damn nickel... to buy myself a hot dog with... and the Junior Order seen me through... You can’t beat a good order... to help a young fellow... along...
Mr. Hinsch: I got something wrote out here. But it seems to me it’s too damn long.
Mr. Oyster: Why, hell, it ought to be long. That pleases a whole lot of people. Read it.
Mr. Hinsch (in an impressive voice): “Whereas, in the wisdom of Almighty God—”
Mr. Oyster: That’s the stuff.
Mr. Hinsch: “—there has been taken from our midst one of our most valuable and beloved citizens, Winfield Scott Akers, snatched to his reward from the bosom of a sorrowing wife and five small children—”
Mr. Oyster: Six.
Mr. Hinsch: Did Scotty have another kid? Damn, I never knowed that. “—a sorrowing wife and six small children, but done his duty to the last, in the manner of a soldier on the field of battle—”
Mr. Oyster: Them Semper Fidelises will eat that up.
Mr. Hinsch: “—in order that precious property might be saved from the flames, and might of been, except for things not under human control—”
Mr. Oyster: That kind of makes that goddam fight look better.
Mr. Hinsch: “—and whereas public-spirited citizens has appeared before the Board at a public hearing, whereof due notice was given three days in advance, according to law, and petitioned that the sorrowing family of the said beloved brother, Winfield Scott Akers, be given a pension of thirty-five dollars a month—”
Mr. Oyster: I would put in that we would of give it anyhow, only it was illegal.
Mr. Hinsch: I got that in here “—and whereas the Board is fully of the same sentiment in regards to the matter, and believe the sorrowing family of the said beloved brother, Winfield Scott Akers, is entitled to a pension, but regret to note, after looking up the charter, that the Board has not got power to grant same, unless amended—”