SCHMIDT BÄCKEREI
56 LUDWIGSTRASSE
GARMISCH, GERMANY
JANUARY 2, 1945
Dear Hazel,
It’s been weeks without word from you. With the fighting so near, I understand that the mail cannot run at its usual timeliness. I’m trying to be patient, but it is difficult. Mutti worries about you and Julius. Our enemies are closer than ever. I pray for your safety. I miss you so terribly.
I’m still recovering from the sickness I wrote about in my last letter. Despite Mutti’s best efforts, the mustard rubs didn’t do much good. Finally, Papa called for Doktor Joachim who gave me a spoonful of Dover’s powder and instructed Mutti to make me anise tea. He had no medicine to spare—all the drugs going to our fighting men. Thank heaven it wasn’t the influenza! I’ve heard rumors that the illness has taken many lives in the cities, Hamburg and Berlin. I pray it is not there in Steinhöring!
Seven bitter cups of tea later, I awoke with a full bedpan, but my coughs had subsided. I had an angel watching over. By the last day of 1944, my constitution was weak, but I was finally able to rest. I missed Silvester, sleeping into the new year. It’s an odd feeling to lose important moments such as this, like something valuable was stolen, but there’s no thief to blame. Perhaps that is why 1945 feels especially strange.
On Silvester eve, Frau Rattelmüller stopped by to do the annual bleigiessen fortune. Did you do bleigiessen at the Program? If so, what shape did your future make? Papa’s lead made into the shape of a feather—change in his household. He attributed it to the coming victory of the Fatherland and business improving. Mutti’s took the shape of a cow—a cure for sickness. She’s had me drinking different herbal brews ever since. They dropped the molten lead into the water on my behalf. It formed a ring. Mutti, of course, interpreted it as a forecast of my marriage to Josef, but Frau Rattelmüller reminded her that a ring shape is also a warning of forthcoming escapades. It would be like the frau to give me a bad prediction. Perhaps the old witch has put a curse on me for badgering her about the brötchen.
Last night, I dreamed that Josef was tied like a suckling pig and put into our oven with the broggenbrot. I tried to save him but couldn’t open the latch and woke drenched in sweat. In another, you stood on the back stoop with a gun and told me to run. I asked where, but you wouldn’t say. You simply said “run” and so I did, through the empty streets and up Kramer Mountain until I reached St. Martin’s Hutte. There, I stopped and looked down over Garmisch, which wasn’t there at all, just one black hole in the valley. You used to tell me that dreams had meaning. Do you stil believe that? If so, what does this mean? I’d rather forget the nightmares altogether—too horrible to think about. Demons, Mutti claims, and so I dust off my bible and pray, pray, pray.
I accepted Josef’s proposal. Mutti and Papa are delighted, and seeing their happiness brings me courage, but still. I wonder if this is enough.
I hope that you are able to visit in the spring. Your opinion means everything. Having you with us during these difficult times would make everything so much easier. I must tell you, Hazel, I have a secret. I haven’t the bravery to write it down, but can tell only you—and the sooner the better. I’m so consumed by it that my mind has no peace. I worry I’ve made a grave mistake. I pray that if I have been wrong, the consequences will not affect you, Mutti, or Papa. Please write soon, Hazel. The days between letters have been so long.
Heil Hitler.
Your loving sister,
Elsie
Mutti’s footsteps creaked across the floorboards. Elsie glanced at the loose wallboard to ensure it was secured.
“You must feel better?” Mutti asked as she entered with a tray of parsnip onion soup. “It’s good to see you awake.”
Elsie pointed to the letter on the side table. “I was writing Hazel.”
Mutti set the tray down beside. “Shall I mail it for you?”
Elsie scooped it up. “It’s not urgent.”
While Mutti hadn’t the prying nature, Elsie couldn’t chance it. “I’ll take it to the post office as soon as I’m well. It helps to talk to her like she’s close.” She fingered the papery corner. “I miss her.”
Mutti pulled the covers high up on Elsie’s chest. “I’m glad she writes to you. Papa and I haven’t received a letter in over a month.” She straightened the spoon on the tray. “She’s busy and with the war as it is …” She placed a palm on Elsie’s forehead. “Good. No fever. I’m sure Josef is anxious to see you.” Mutti patted Elsie’s hand. The rubies gleamed in the dim light. “We need you fully recovered. Thank God this wasn’t an infection. Doktor Joachim says there’s not an ounce of medicine—not even on the black market.” She wrung her hands. “I pray they have better supplies in Steinhöring.”
Elsie put a hand over her mother’s. “Hazel said to give you and Papa her love. She sounds as though she’s faring the best of any of us.”
She didn’t want Mutti to worry.
Mutti massaged the tips of Elsie’s fingers to circulate the blood. “Gut. That brings me comfort. Be sure to send her our love when you write again.” She let go. “I must get back to your papa. There was a lull so I brought your lunch. Eat while the soup is warm.” She stood and headed for the door.
“Mutti.” Elsie stopped her. “Is there a spare roll or two I might have?”
Mutti nodded. “Appetite. An excellent sign.”
Elsie listened to the creaky stairs’ diminuendo then crescendo, and the door reopened.
“Two straight from Papa’s oven. And a pat of the butter I’ve been hiding in the icebox.” Mutti set the plate on the tray. “I told your papa we need to bake extra batches of brötchen in the mornings. Frau Rattelmüller bought a dozen before we even opened!”
“She’s been doing that for months,” said Elsie. “I told you she’s lost her mind.”
“As long as she pays with hard coin.” Mutti winked and closed the door behind her.
Elsie sipped her soup. The rising aromatic steam made her chest feel balmy and full. Mutti’s soup with Papa’s bread—there was nothing better in the world. She held the bowl as close as possible without burning herself.
Downstairs, Mutti’s voice carried through the pine planks, greeting customers and taking orders.
Elsie checked the door and listened for footsteps before pulling herself from the feather comforter with key in hand. The floor was warmer than the air, and her feet welcomed the heat. Once the lock had been turned, she whispered, “Tobias?”
The wide board in the far wall pushed out.
“Parsnip soup,” said Elsie.
Out of the crawl space squirmed Tobias wearing a thick, cable sweater that looked more like a dress. Papa’s midsection had long outgrown the item, and it lay unused at the bottom of his cedar trunk. He’d never notice its absence. In the cold of the upper rooms, Elsie couldn’t risk Tobias catching a cold and sneezing himself to discovery.
She moved the bread off the plate and ladled on parsnips and onions, carrots and cabbage, then split a roll and placed the butter inside. “Here.”
“For you?” whispered Tobias.
Elsie shook her head. “For you.”
His eyes sparkled.
Up until that day, Elsie hadn’t been able to stomach much more than tea, broth, and pretzels that she sucked until the pieces turned mushy in her mouth; so Tobias had eaten the same. While Elsie grew thinner from the diet, Tobias had surprisingly managed to gain plumpness in his cheeks and through his middle, making him less apparition and more boy. Though he rarely spoke, Elsie had become somewhat attached to his company, like the imaginary elves of childhood that lived in garden sheds and wooden armoires.