“I’m serious,” Nora said.
“You’re plastered.”
“Plastered but lucid, hon. You need a good fucking. You’ve been pissin’ and moanin’ ever since we got to San Francisco. Shit, if you didn’t want to come to the convention, you should’ve stayed home.”
“I didn’t know it’d be this bad,” Tyler said.
“What’d you expect, Ringling Brothers? These things are always a drag. What do you want from a bunch of librarians?”
“It’s not that.”
“What is it?”
“The city.”
“What’s wrong with the city? It’s gorgeous.”
“I know.”
“You pissed ’cause the cable cars aren’t running?”
“Sure,” Tyler said. She tried to smile, but couldn’t.
“Come on, what’s wrong? Cough it up.”
“I just feel rotten, that’s all.”
“Rotten how?”
“Rotten lonely.” Tyler lowered her gaze from Nora’s shadowy face. She stared at the candle in front of her. Its flame streaked and blurred as tears came to her eyes. She backhanded the tears away, and took a drink of her Irish cream. “It’s this damn city,” she said. “Being here again. I thought I’d be okay, but…everywhere I go, everywhere I look, they’re all places I’ve been with him.”
“A guy.”
Tyler nodded. “He even brought me up here once to see the revolving bar. We had margaritas. Then we walked down to North Beach and went to the City Lights and that second-hand bookstore across the alley I showed you yesterday.”
“When was all this?”
“About five years ago. I was a senior at San Francisco State. Dan—that was his name—Dan Jenson. He lived in Mill Valley, over in Marin. I met him on the Dipsey Trail.”
Nora made a face. “The Dipsey Trail?”
“It goes from Mill Valley, up into the hills around Mount Tam, and finally ends up at Stinson Beach. Anyway, that’s where we met. I was hiking it with my roommate, and he was running it to get in shape for the annual race…”
“And it was love at first sight?”
“He knocked me on my can,” Tyler said. The memory of it forced a smile. “I gave him hell for running me down. Not exactly love at first sight. That came later—five, six minutes later.”
“Was it one-sided?”
“I think he loved me, too.”
“So what went…oh no.” Nora suddenly looked stricken with pity. “He died?”
“Hardly. I was accepted for graduate school at UCLA and he had a job in Mill Valley. I wouldn’t give up grad school, he wouldn’t give up his job. Simple as that.”
“Jesus, I don’t believe it. You just threw each other away like that?”
“We both wanted our careers. I told him he could be a cop anywhere, but…he was very stubborn. So was I.”
“That was the end of it?”
“I wrote him a letter. He never…The way he looked at it, the whole mess was my fault. I was supposed to drop everything and marry him.”
“Oh Christ, he actually proposed to you?”
“He actually did.”
“Brother.”
“And you know what else?”
“What?”
“I’m twenty-six, I’ve got a job half the people at this convention would kill to get, and I’m thinking I made the biggest mistake of my life when I left Dan.”
“This just occurred to you?”
“It occurred to me a long time ago. I just figured, you know, I’d meet someone else.”
“And you haven’t.”
“Nobody I love.”
“What’re you gonna do about it?”
“What can I do? I made my choice five years ago. I just have to live with it.”
“Not necessarily.”
“Yeah. There’s always the Golden Gate. Conveniently located.”
“Don’t even joke about that,” Nora said.
“I really feel…oh shit,” she muttered as she started weeping again. “I really feel…sometimes…like I threw my life away.”
“Hey, hey.” Nora reached across the table and took her hand. “It’s not the end of the world. What I was gonna suggest—you feel so strongly about this, why not give him another shot? We’re how far from Mill Valley? Not very far, are we?”
Tyler shrugged and sniffed. “I don’t know, half an hour.”
“So drive over tomorrow and look him up.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why the hell not?”
“It’s been five years! He’s probably already married…He might not even live there anymore.”
“If that job was so important he let you slip out of his fingers, he’ll be there.”
“I can’t, Nora.”
“Why not take a shot? What’ve you got to lose? For all you know…”
“No.” The thought of it made her sick with dread.
“If you need some moral support, I’ll come with you.”
Tyler said, “We have to drive back tomorrow.”
“What for? We’ve got two more glorious weeks of summer vacation before the rat race starts. What’s so important you have to get home? ’Fraid your house-plants’ll croak? Let’s drive over to Marin, first thing in the morning, and try to find this Dan of yours. If it doesn’t work out, what’ve we lost? An hour or so? We can still make it to LA by dark.”
“I don’t know. I want to think about it.”
“What’s to think about? Go for it.”
“I don’t know.” Tyler finished her Baileys. She rubbed her face. “I…feel so confused. I’m going back to my room. Are you gonna stay here?”
Nora nodded. “Night’s young. I’ll leave the connecting door unlocked. Wake me up at first light, okay?”
“First light? Sure thing.”
In her room on the sixth floor, Tyler flopped onto the bed. The ceiling seemed to be revolving slowly like the bar she’d just left.
She’d had too many drinks.
How many? Let’s see. Three vodka tonics at the cocktail party before the banquet. God knows how much wine with dinner. Three or four glassfuls, maybe. Then two snifters of Baileys Irish Cream in the bar with Nora. No wonder the ceiling wouldn’t stand still.
No wonder she’d blabbed.
If she’d been sober, she would’ve kept all that about Dan to herself. Nothing like a few drinks to loosen the tongue, make you say things you wish you hadn’t.
Let Nora put down a few more, maybe she won’t remember and they can drive on back tomorrow the way they’d planned.
Fat chance.
I can always tell her no. Put my foot down.
Her legs were hanging off the side of the bed. Her feet, resting on the floor, felt cramped. With an effort, she lifted one across her knee and pulled the shoe off. She sat up to take off the other, then remained motionless while a wave of dizziness passed.
At least she didn’t feel nauseated. Just a little tipsy.
Tipsy’s the word for it, all right, she thought, and let herself tip over. She drew her legs up and lay on her side, a bent arm cushioning her head.
What’ll I do?
Stir your bones and take some aspirin and a few glasses of water or you’ll really feel like hell in the morning.
The morning. God, the morning. What’ll I do?
Tell Nora no. No, no, Nora, I don’t want to go.
Why not?
Because, damn it, it would hurt too much to see him again—even to try. He’ll have a wife, and she could’ve been me. You don’t know he’s married. He might be single and lonely. He might still want you.
Sure thing.
Why did I open my mouth to Nora? Because I drank too much. And if I fall asleep like this, I’ll be sorry.
Rolling onto her back, she drew up the skirt of her sheath dress. She raised a leg, and started to unfasten a stocking from her garter belt.
Dan hated pantyhose. To please him, she’d stopped wearing the things. She’d never gone back to them.