Although Astrid gave so much to the Beatles, which they all acknowledged, in some ways they had wrecked her life. The death of Stu was still obviously very near to her in 1967, though when I met her she had recently got married to another Liverpool exile. The disillusionment with the German press had led her, at the time, to giving up her own career as a photographer.
She was working at the time in a bar, and that evening, after we had talked all day, she took me to it. Hamburg is full of strange clubs and bars, but this was the first lesbian bar I had been into. She got me in, as a friend, and it seemed to be full of prostitutes dancing together, before going off for their evening’s work. Astrid was serving behind the bar and was also on call to dance with customers, if required. For this, working all night long, she was getting £40 a week. Yet she was sitting on a small fortune with all her Beatles memorabilia.
I told Paul all about her when I got back to London and it brought back memories of the good times they had in Hamburg. Paul admitted, looking back, that they were rotten to Stu. He had perhaps been jealous of John’s admiration for Stu and sometimes felt a little bit excluded.
‘I was pretty nasty to him on the last day. We were leaving Hamburg, and he was staying behind with Astrid. I caught his eye on stage, as he was playing with us for the last time. He was crying. It was one of those feelings, when you’re suddenly very close to someone.’
It took me a long time to realize that Brian Epstein was homosexual. When I did, I thought at first it didn’t matter, either way, but I slowly recognized it was a vital part of his character and of his relationship with the Beatles.
Brian Epstein loved them. When at last I spent some time with him, and managed to get him to sit down and think back to the early days, it was hard to stop him. He gave me copies of his old memos to them, which he had typed himself, telling them how to behave on stage and not to smoke or chew. He also gave me his old typewritten list of their early local engagements, which I had no room for in the book, though they might be of interest to Beatle experts. Whole books have subsequently been written on what the Beatles did each day during their Beatlemania years.
Even more interesting is the note, monogrammed BE, that he sent to George Martin before their first recording session on 6 June 1962, suggesting likely songs they might do. Now I look at that list again, there are some compositions I have never heard of, such as ‘Pinwheel Twist’. I wonder what happened to that one?
He also dug out for me the very first press handout about the Beatles and the office memos he sent to his staff when NEMS, his company, opened its first office in London. It’s full of Brian telling them how to behave and to be courteous to everyone. Very typical.
I collected as many documents as I could during all my interviews, as well as handouts and fan club bulletins, both in Britain and in the USA. Brian himself had spare copies of many of them and gave them to me.
He was terribly careful and organized in those early days. It was only as I got to know him better, during 1967, that I learned what a mess his life was now in. He was constantly in the depths of depression, living on pills, having tantrums with his staff and closest friends, over petty things, then collapsing in tears as he apologized to them. He had twice tried to commit suicide, though this had been kept quiet at the time.
In his sexual life, he was not simply a homosexual, but a masochist, deliberately picking up non-homosexual boys, often sailors, bringing them back to the house, treating them, giving them drinks and drugs. It usually ended with him being beaten up and his possessions stolen, very often Beatle material. Then he would be blackmailed, and end up in further depressions.
Paul’s early handwritten letter to an unknown journalist called Mr Low, seeking some publicity for the group.
I spent one weekend with him at his country home in Kingsley Hill, Sussex. On Saturday evening, we had a very enjoyable dinner, at which we were joined by a well-known pop music personality of the time. (Even better known today, but I better not name him.) After the meal, they decided they would like some boys to amuse them, but it was by this time eleven o’clock, and a Saturday evening.
Brian got out a sort of credit card, which was his membership to some homosexual callboy organization, and dialled a certain number, giving his name and number. There was a lot of discussion on the phone, with the person at the other end saying it was far too late, everyone was booked up, the best boys had gone. When Brian mentioned he was in Sussex, not London, the voice said that was it, no chance. Brian said he would pay for taxis, and pay double the rates, just send down whatever could be found, then he hung up.
I sat up with them, drinking, until midnight, but then I went to bed. I think it was four in the morning before anyone arrived from London. Next morning, I had breakfast on my own, and left for home about midday. The others were still in bed.
Brian agreed I could mention his homosexuality in the book, though, naturally, I was not going to go into any of the details.
The Beatles did not know the full story of this side of his life either. By the time I got to know him, he had become less of an influence on their lives anyway. Paul was busy taking over the organizational reins, setting up Apple, taking control of things like the cover for Sergeant Pepper.
They knew he was homosexual, but that was all. John was the only one I discussed it with, as he was quite interested, but Paul I think was upset by it. Brian realized this and was always especially concerned about pleasing Paul, giving him the biggest presents. Brian’s staff told me that he worried most about keeping in with Paul and always answered his calls first.
John told me he had had a one-night stand with Brian, on a holiday with him in Spain, when Brian had invited him out, a few days after the birth of Julian in 1963, leaving Cyn alone. I mentioned this brief holiday in the book, but not what John had alleged had taken place. Partly, I didn’t really believe it, though John was daft enough to try almost anything once. John was certainly not homosexual, and this boast, or lie, would have given the wrong impression. It was also not fair on Cynthia, his then wife.
But by 1967, even John did not seem to have much connection with Brian. When I began to realize the extent of Brian’s tragic private life, I assumed it was partly the Beatles’ fault, edging him out of their lives, discarding him, leaving him without much purpose in life, perhaps helping to cause his terrible depressions. I probably hinted as much in the book. Now, with hindsight, I think the fault was in Brian. I underplayed the fact that he had been discharged from the army on medical and emotional grounds, after being referred to a psychiatrist. He had presented it to me rather as a joke, almost as if he had done it to get out of the army, which was how I reported it (see Chapter 15). It seems clear to me now that he should have had proper psychiatric help from a very early stage. In Liverpool, I did hear stories of certain incidents, but I could never get details.
It could be argued that the Beatles saved him from himself, prolonging his life, at least for those six years or so in which he threw himself into their career, using up all his energies and talents and emotions for their good. By 1967, he was back on his own again, and finding himself very difficult to live with.
The official report of his death in September 1967 said it was an accidental overdose, which I believe, though others have since tried to prove it was suicide, and some irresponsible writers have even hinted at murder, as there are still some missing facts about the days before his death. Emotionally, it was suicide, even though I do not think he meant to do it at that time in that way. But I feel it would have happened, sooner rather than later.