They all laughed, and the drift of their conversation changed. Suffering the anguish of defeat, he became absorbed in his dejection. Unwittingly, he had denied his girl. Ah! If they knew she was my fiancée, he thought, and that even after two years of perseverance she still refuses to allow me to kiss her! A crudely native look…too short and too plump…as sour-tempered as a field marshal. Is this true of Bahia? Sure, she’s old-fashioned; there’s some truth in the description. She doesn’t know how to appear with me in public. She lacks a sense of humor and doesn’t know how to converse with people. She only grumbles and finds fault. He wondered how he could possibly appear with her in public! People would say all these things and even more about her. He was depressed and resentful. Totally absorbed in these thoughts, he realized that the bus had stopped in front of the College only when his classmates left their seats.
SIXTY-SIX
The next week, at the usual time, he paid Farid Effendi a visit. Since Farid Effendi and Salem, the youngster, were not at home, he was alone with Bahia and her mother, and the father’s absence afforded him an unusual degree of liberty. Bahia appeared in a brown dress, with a decorative fanlike silk frill attached by means of a clip to the lower part of the collar, the wings spreading out upon her bosom. Once invited, she had only to put on her overcoat to be ready to go with him to the cinema. But today he had absolutely no intention of inviting her. Nefisa’s voice still echoed in his ears. After giving him a ten-piaster piece, she had warned, “This is for your outing alone!”
But Nefisa was not the only reason. In fact, he lacked the guts to appear again with Bahia in front of his classmates. He had thought she was the most beautiful girl. But then, his eyes were not open, and the sarcastic remarks of his classmates testified to his blindness. As he looked closely at her, their eyes met, and his dark thoughts disappeared. Blood boiled in his veins and a reckless desire surged up in his chest. There was no doubt she was at once beautiful and luscious. But how could he possibly disregard the appalling fact that he must avoid appearing with her in public? As Bahia’s mother continued to converse with him, she noticed his absentmindedness and curt replies.
“Master Hassanein,” she wondered, “what’s the matter with you? You look worried!”
Disconcerted, he became aware of his surroundings and said, as if apologetically, “Our training last week was so strenuous that we left the College almost dead.”
More attentive, he took an active part in the conversation, until the mother excused herself to perform the prayers, leaving him alone with the girl.
“What’s wrong with you?” the girl asked.
“Nothing!” he said, smiling to dispel her doubts.
“But you’re not normal today.”
Alone with the girl and under the sway of his surging passions, a cunning idea suggested itself to him. Pretending to be sad, he said, “I can’t forget your reserve toward me.”
“Again, the same old subject?”
“Of course! It’s my right and I won’t give it up as long as I live.”
“I thought we’d finished with this,” the girl said beseechingly.
“You baffle me. All my classmates have fiancées, but, unlike you, they don’t deny them their right to kisses and embraces.”
Her face flushed; she murmured, “They are different from me, and I’m different from them.”
That was true. Perhaps his classmates emphasized it too much. Ironically, he thought, she was unaware of the implication of her words! But before he could reply, she quickly changed the drift of the conversation. “Are you going to the cinema?” she asked.
He understood that she was paving the way for an invitation. He was filled with annoyance and embarrassment. But as concern outweighed embarrassment, he said, “No. I’ve an appointment with some of my classmates.”
Shyly, she lowered her eyes. A painful silence prevailed.
“What was your family’s reaction to our going to the cinema together?” she asked him.
Taking advantage of her question as a convenient pretext to avoid speaking of such matters, he said, “Nothing worth mentioning — except that my mother was upset because I asked you to violate the tradition of your respectable family!”
“There’s nothing indecent about respectable families allowing their daughters to go to the cinema,” she said coldly.
“Likewise, there’s nothing indecent in embraces and kisses. But, like my mother, you don’t believe in it!”
Ignoring his insinuation, she inquired, “Did she tell you not to take me to the cinema again?”
“No! But she’s afraid I might unintentionally offend your respectable family.”
“Didn’t you tell her of my parents’ approval?”
“Yes, I did. But she believed they approved out of embarrassment.”
“Should I understand from this,” Bahia inquired, “that we won’t go out together after today?”
Incapable of confronting her with his innermost thoughts, he said, “No. We’ll go out whenever we like.”
No sooner had he uttered these words than he regretted them. Shyly smiling, she said in a low voice, “I thought we’d go today to the cinema.”
He thought about inviting her. Although it softened his feelings, he refused to surrender to them. “But for this appointment I told you about…” he said.
“Ah! Of course, your appointment is more important than taking me to the cinema!”
“That isn’t true, but I’m bound by my previous appointment. Besides…besides, it might not be advisable within such a short time to do again what my mother considers a violation of traditions.”
Shaking her head, she said with a sad smile, “Then it’s not the appointment that stops you!”
“No. For both reasons,” he answered with resignation. “Excuse the old-fashioned mentality of my mother.”
For the first time, unable to contain her emotions, she said, “Why, then, do you allow Nefisa to go out every day?”
Resenting her tone and offended by the implication of her words, he retorted rather sharply, “Nefisa goes out for work; otherwise she would stay at home.”
“I didn’t mean to offend anybody,” she said to him tenderly. “I just wanted to say that going out doesn’t shame anyone.”
Silence prevailed until they heard the returning footsteps of Bahia’s mother. “Hassanein, are you angry?” Bahia asked worriedly.
Because of her mother’s arrival, he could not answer her, but his tender smile restored her confidence. Hassanein remained with them for an hour; then, bidding them goodbye, he went away.
SIXTY-SEVEN
He had no appointment with his classmates as he had pretended. He entered the cinema alone a few minutes after the beginning of the show. He was shown to his seat in the darkness. Half attentive, half reminiscing about Bahia and his fraudulent departure, he watched the newsreel. He remembered how Bahia tenderly pressed his hand as she bade him farewell. It was a pleasurable pressure which caused a quiver in his heart and made him forget whatever offenses she might have committed! Now, he thought, my dream can come true. I’d have realized my cherished desire a long time ago if, instead of humble entreaties, I’d shown some self-restraint. She wouldn’t have refused if I’d repeatedly frowned upon her. How foolish of me! Then I’ll not be content with just a kiss. I’ll crush her to my breast until her bones snap under my arms, but far from the critical eyes of those who admire a girl for her good looks, elegance, and fashion. But even after marrying her, should I hide her away from the public view? Why pay attention to other people and their critical remarks? No. This is an evil thing which I can’t possibly put aside. It’s my nature. He found relief from his thoughts as he focused his attention on the screen to watch Hitler receiving the ambassadors on his birthday. A cartoon followed, then an intermission, and the lights went on. Turning his head, he examined the faces around him. His eyes were arrested by a colossal, disgustingly obese woman conversing with her husband beside her. He could not help admiring this man’s courage and complete indifference to society in escorting such a woman.