Karloff’s hand passed in front of the screen. Dora could see the flics tattooed on his knuckles, the way they seemed to crawl from the gaps between his fingers as though hatched from the poison yolk of his fist. Then slowly, with a theatrical flair, he laid the slender blade of a filet knife to Eileen’s throat.
Dora screamed, “Oh God, Max... No!”
“You know what they say,” said Karloff, holding the knife steady. “One picture...”
With that he pressed Eileen’s face to the screen, and with a fluid stroke opened a line of communication that would define state-of-the-art well into the millennium.
Shel Silverstein
The Guilty Party
From Murder and Obsession
Judge Vernon Hobbs had been known for some unusual and unorthodox rulings.
There was the occasion when Leon Poole and Maurice Stebner came before him for a judgment on a 1938 De Soto.
It seems they had bought the vehicle together from Orville Clayton’s lot with Leon’s three hundred dollars, eighty-seven of which was owed by Orville to Maurice to settle a wager on the World Series. Maurice then did what was disputed to be six hundred and forty-two dollars’ worth of repair and restoration, for which he demanded full payment or the De Soto.
Judge Hobbs suggested joint ownership or selling the damn thing and splitting the profits — but by then there was so much bad blood between the boys, as to who said what, and who promised which, and who indeed was the De Soto’s rightful owner.
“Well, then,” said Judge Hobbs, “I am gonna render a decision based upon the wisdom of Solomon. Is either one of you boys versed in or acquainted with the biblical tale of Solomon and the two mothers?”
The boys had to admit that Scripture was not their long suit.
“Good,” said Judge Hobbs, “I wouldn’t want either of you anticipating my ruling, which is — that the aforementioned De Soto be cut in half and one half awarded to each of the claimants. Leon, is that all right with you?”
“Fine with me,” said Leon.
“And Maurice, do you find this acceptable?”
“I’ll go for that,” said Maurice, “but who gets the front half and who gets the back half?”
“I’ll take the front half,” said Leon.
“The hell you will,” shouted Maurice, “the front half’s got the engine, the radio, the hood ornament, and the—”
“Order,” called Judge Hobbs, banging down the claw hammer he used as a gavel. “I’m amending my decision — the De Soto will be split lengthwise — thereby giving each of you an equal—”
“Well, who gets the driver’s side?” demanded Leon. “That’s got the mahogany wheel, the transmission, gearshift, the—”
“And who’s supposed to saw that damn engine in half?” Leon whined. “You try cuttin’ through a windshield and an engine, with a chain saw, and you’re sure as hell gonna mess up a—”
Judge Hobbs banged his hammer.
“Well,” sighed Judge Hobbs, “I can see from the incredible willingness of both claimants to gladly destroy this unique and classic example of automotive art that neither one of them is the rightful owner. And the court hereby impounds said vehicle as property of the court to be used at the court’s discretion on various court business on weekends and holidays, and if there is any question as to the right of the court to impound said De Soto, I’m sure that something can and will be found in the trunk or glove compartment to justify my decision. These proceedings are concluded — everybody go home.”
“And that,” said Judge Hobbs later, as he and Clarence Sawyer, his bailiff, sat sipping some good apricot brandy, “is the last time I try to render a verdict based upon anybody’s wisdom but my own.”
It was too damn hot.
Judge Hobbs leaned back in his swivel chair and turned up the fan as high as it would go. He didn’t want to lean too far back. They might see that he was wearing short pants underneath his robe. That might be interpreted as being unjudicial or, at best, undignified.
Carefully, Judge Hobbs rolled up the brief that lay upon his desk. The fly was on the rim of the coffee cup. One swat — justice — swift and sure. But was it just? What was the fly doing but exercising its nature? What was young Billy Ray doing but exercising his? But if that were the case, who deserved to be punished for anything?
Judge Hobbs closed his eyes and tapped the rolled papers against his palm. He hoped that this would look contemplative. The fly was moving down the inside of the cup now. As long as it stayed there it was safe. Did the sonofabitch know that?
“All right,” said Judge Hobbs, unrolling the brief and flattening it out, “all right, let’s proceed with these — Clarence, will you turn that damn thing off.”
“I got the sound down, Judge,” said the bailiff.
“Well, I can still hear it,” said Judge Hobbs. “What’s the score, anyway?”
“Eight to two, Bluebirds, top of the fifth — they just brought in that Binky Lewis. He’s as wild as a—”
“Well, I think that Lewis boy might be able to hold a six-run lead,” said Judge Hobbs, wiping his neck with his handkerchief.
“Judge, they got two men on and—”
“Damn it, Clarence, at least turn the sound off — and announce these proceedings — in a proper and official manner.”
Clarence snapped off the sound and stood up, pouting.
“Hear ye, hear ye, first district court, Menasha County, now in session, Honorable Vernon Hobbs presiding — all rise.”
He had hit the Honorable a little too hard.
“Too hot to rise,” said Judge Hobbs, throwing Clarence his stern look. “Stay sittin’.”
“The state versus William Raymond Brockley,” continued Clarence. “The charge, sexual battery, assault with a deadly weapon, kidnapping, resisting arrest—”
“All right,” said Judge Hobbs, “I’m tired of list’nin’.”
The fly had taken off.
Judge Hobbs turned toward Billy Ray. Damn, the boy was too good-looking to have to force anyone into anything.
“Billy Ray, you’ve decided to forgo and dispense with a trial by a jury of your peers.”
“Yes, sir,” said Billy Ray.
“Well,” said Judge Hobbs, “that may be a wise decision, since most of your peers around here would like to see you strung up slow and sliced down a piece at a time. A few of ’em might even be blood-related to Eunice Tillman.”
“The young lady is in critical condition at Baptist Hospital,” said Lew Porter, district attorney and proprietor of Porter Brothers General Contracting, Roofing, and Aluminum Siding, “and is at this time physically and emotionally unfit to attend this hearing. Therefore, Your Honor, the state requests a one-week postponement until the young lady—”
“The young lady’s condition has been upgraded to stable,” interjected Buddy Linz, defense attorney and co-owner of Buddy’s Four Alarm Chili And Pit Bar-B-Cue.
“Well, I think we can proceed ahead,” said Judge Hobbs. “I want to get this over and done with as soon as possible.”
Lew Porter stood up. How did he manage to look so dry and unwrinkled in a three-piece suit on a day like this?