I don’t know. One. A hundred. Three thousand.
Too many.
The glass shower door is cool. I relish its solidity.
When I put my hand up onto the sink to help myself stand, sometime later, my hand goes right through.
I don’t have to do this. I don’t have to exist.
I can just let myself be perfect, and be gone.
So much easier.
So much easier.
Except I remember about the fires now. And if I write it all down… I think I might make myself real again.
Then how do I get away from what I did? From what was done?
Oh god, do I have to live with myself now? Do I have to live with being flawed, and do things I’m not very good at?
People will know.
People will see me.
People will punish me.
I write it all down.
Of course the manifesto was familiar.
I was the one who had written it.
What was published wasn’t my words exactly. It had been decades; what I wrote hadn’t survived the intervening twenty-odd years with Joshua unscathed. Unedited. It had passed through other pens than mine along the way.
But somewhere in the ashes of forgotten notebooks had been written a draft of that statement. Its structures, its rhetoric, even its handwriting had once been mine.
I don’t bother calling the local police. I call the local field office of the FBI.
“I know who wrote the manifesto,” I say into the phone. “His name is Joshua Bright. Or it was, he might have changed it. And that probably wasn’t his real name. Because who calls their kid Joshua Bright if they can help it? And he’s got a plan to use incendiary devices to burn down a big chunk of Chicago if you don’t stop him.”
“Ma’am?” the tinny voice at the end of the phone says. “We’ll be sending a couple of agents over right away to talk to you. Please stay where you are until they arrive.”
I make myself a peanut butter sandwich while I wait.
That story about the airport and the aftermath. I don’t think it really happened that way.
I think it’s a pretty story I’m telling myself. I don’t know if I ever stood up for that girl, really. If I ever stood up for myself.
I remember doing it. I wrote it down. Does that mean it happened?
Or did I just figure out that Joshua was cheating on me and split not too much later? I tried to forget. I was, needless to say, pretty successful.
The plan to put incendiaries in basements and start a huge firestorm in Chicago had been mine to begin with. I came up with it. I gave it to Joshua as if it were just the plot for one of my thrillers. The ones I make my living writing now.
I wonder if he’ll try to blame it on me. Or if he’ll want to take credit.
He’ll want to take credit.
I never really thought he would do it. It was a thought experiment, that was all.
Just a thought experiment.
I joined a cult in college. It turned out about as well as you’d expect.
If you join a cult in college, I hope you get well soon.
You don’t have to be perfect.
Sometimes it’s okay for a thing to be a little bit broken.
Sometimes it’s okay to make do with what you have, and what you are.
I imagine meeting him in court. Of course I will have to testify. I’d better make sure of my solidity before then. I’d better commit.
My fingers leave peanut butter stains on the paper. I hope the food delivery comes soon. I’d like some milk.
I can’t know what it will be like, but I rehearse it in my head anyway. I write it down to make it real, so I can act on it when the time comes.
The FBI are on their way.
Me, strong, implacable. Joshua saying, “I didn’t think you had the balls to turn me in.”
Me meeting his gaze. “You never did know me.”
I wait for the doorbell. For the food. For the authorities.
I get to the bottom of the last page. I reach blindly for the next book, find the blanks at the end, and keep writing.
You don’t have to be perfect.
This story isn’t done yet with me.
Copyright Page
“Covenant” First published in Hieroglyph: Stories and Visions for a Better Future, 2014, Kathryn Cramer and Ed Finn, eds.
“She Still Loves the Dragon” First published in Uncanny Magazine, January 2018, Lynne M. Thomas and Michael D. Thomas, eds.
“Tideline” First published in Asimov’s Science Fiction, June 2007, Sheila Williams, ed. “The Leavings of the Wolf” First published in Apex Magazine, November 2011,
Lynne M. Thomas, ed.
“Okay, Glory” First published in Twelve Tomorrows, 2018, Wade Roush, ed.
“Needles” First published in Blood and Other Cravings, 2011, Ellen Datlow, ed.
“This Chance Planet” First published in Tor.com, October 22 2014, Ellen Datlow, ed.
“The Body of the Nation” First published in Garrett Investigates, 2012, William Schafer, ed.
“Boojum” First published in Fast Ships, Black Sails, 2008, Ann VanderMeer and Jeff VanderMeer, eds.
“The Bone War” First published in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, September-October 2015, C.C. Finlay, ed.
“In the House of Aryaman, a Lonely Signal Burns” First published in Asimov’s Science Fiction, January 2012, Sheila Williams ed.
“Shoggoths in Bloom” First published in Asimov’s Science Fiction, March 2008, Sheila Williams ed.
“Skin in the Game” First published in Future Visions: Original Science Fiction Stories Inspired by Microsoft, 2015, Jennifer Henshaw and Allison Linn, eds.
“Hobnoblin Blues” First published in Realms of Fantasy, February 2008, Shawna McCarthy, ed.
“Form and Void” First published in Fireside, Winter 2012, Brian J. White, ed. “Your Collar” First published in Subterranean Online, Spring 2008, William
Schafer, ed.
“Terroir” First published in Harvest Season, 2014.
“Dolly” First published in Asimov’s Science Fiction, January 2011, Sheila Williams, ed.
“Love Among the Talus” First published in Strange Horizons, December 2006, Susan Marie Groppi, ed.
“The Deeps of the Sky” First published in Edge of Infinity, 2012, Jonathan Strahan, ed.
“Two Dreams on Trains” First published in Strange Horizons, January 2005, Susan Marie Groppi, ed.
“Faster Gun” First published in Tor.com, August 8, 2008, Patrick Nielsen Hayden, ed.
“The Heart’s Filthy Lesson” First published in Old Venus, 2015, Gardner Dozois and George R.R. Martin, eds.
“Perfect Gun” First published in Infinity Wars, 2017, Jonathan Strahan, ed.
“Sonny Liston Takes The Fall” First published in The Del Rey Book of Science Fiction and Fantasy: Sixteen Original Works by Speculative Fiction’s Finest Voices, 2008, Ellen Datlow, ed.