“Captain Masterson,” said Ramsay, repressing his ire with a violent effort and losing the worst of his accent, “is in a hospital on Aldebaran Tau. Apparently the puir man got in the way of one of those raving mobs. The result is that I am captain of the Sutter. Offer me no cigars, ye dom scoundrel. I am interested in only one thing. Ye have nae ticket.”
“You must have misunderstood me,” Macduff said. “Naturally I had a ticket. I gave it to the purser when I came aboard. Those intercoms are notoriously unreliable.”
“So is that dom Immortality Elixir of yours,” Captain Ramsay pointed out. “So are some poker games, especially when the carrrds are marked for black-light reading.” The large hands closed significantly.
“Lay a finger on me at your peril,” Macduff said, with faint bluster. “I have the rights of a citizen—”
“Oh, aye,” Ramsay agreed. “But not the rights of a passenger on this ship. Therefore, ye wee blaggard, ye’ll worrk your way to the next port, Xeria, and there ye’ll be thrown off the Sutter bag and baggage.”
“I’ll buy a ticket,” Macduff offered. “At the moment, I happen to be slightly embarrassed—”
“If I catch ye mingling with the passengers or engaging in any games of chance with anyone at all ye will find yourself in the brig,” Captain Ramsay said firmly. “Black light, aye! Smuggling opium, is it? Aba!”
Macduff spoke wildly of a jury of his peers, at which Ramsay laughed mockingly.
“If I’d caught up with ye back on Aldebaran Tau,” he said, “I’d have taken great pleasure in kicking yer podgy carcass halfway around the planet. Now I wull get a deal more satisfaction out of knowing ye are harrd at work in the Hot Gang. Aboard this ship ye will be honest if it kills ye. And if ye have in mind that Lesser Vegan girl I have checked up thoroughly and ye cannot possibly figure out a way to swipe her ticket.”
“You can’t part a guardian and ward like this! It’s inhumanoid!” cried Macduff.
“Oot with ye, mon,” Ramsay said irately, rising. “To work, for probably the first time in yer misspent life.”
“Wait,” said Macduff. “You’ll regret it if you don’t listen to me. There’s a crime being committed on this ship.”
“Aye,” Ramsay said, “and ye’re committing it, ye stowaway. Oot!” He spoke into an intercom, the door opened and the two crew members stood waiting expectantly.
“No, no!” Macduff shrilled, seeing the yawning chasm of hard work widening inexorably at his very toes. “It’s Ess Pu! The Algolian! He—”
“If ye swindled him as ye swindled me,” Captain Ramsay began.
“He’s a smuggler!” Macduff shrieked, struggling in the grip of the crewmen who were bearing him steadily toward the door. “He’s smuggled sphyghi from Aldebaran Tau! I smelled the stuff, I tell you!
You’re carrying contraband, Captain Ramsay!”
“Wait,” Ramsay ordered. “Put him down. Is this a trick?”
“I smelled it,” Macduff insisted. “You know what grov’ing sphyghi smells like. It’s unmistakable. He must have the plants in his cabin.”
“The plants?” Ramsay pondered. “Noo I wonder. Hm-m. All right, men. Invite Ess Pu to my cabin.”
He dropped back in his chair, studying Macduff.
Macduff rubbed his hands briskly together.
“Say no more, Captain Ramsay. You need not apologize for mistaken zeal. Having exposed this villainous Algolian, I shall break him down step by step till he confesses all. He will naturally be brigged, which will leave his cabin vacant. I leave it to your sense of fair play—”
“Tush,” said Captain Ramsay. “Close yer trap.” He scowled steadily at the door. After a while it opened to admit Ess Pu.
The Algolian lumbered ungracefully forward until he suddenly caught sight of Macduff. Instantly his mouth membranes began to flush. A clicking claw rose ominously.
“Now, now, mon!” Ramsay warned.
“Certainly,” seconded Macduff. “Remember where you are, sir. All is discovered, Ess Pu. Facile lies will get you nowhere. Step by step Captain Ramsay and I have uncovered your plot. You are in the pay of the Xerians. A hired spy, you stole sphyghi seeds from Aldebaran Tau and that sphyghi is even now in your cabin, a silent accuser.”
Ramsay looked thoughtfully at the Algolian.
“Weel?” he asked.
“Wait,” said Macduff. “When Ess Pu realizes that all is known he will see the uselessness of silence.
Let me go on.” Since it was obviously impossible to stop Macduff, Captain Ramsay merely grunted and picked up the Handbook of Regulations on his desk. He began to study the thick volume doubtfully.
Ess Pu twitched his claws.
“A feeble scheme from the beginning,” Macduff said. “Even to me, a visitor on Aldebaran Tau, it became immediately evident that corntption was at work. Need we seek far for the answer? I think not.
For we are even now heading straight for Xeria, a world which has tried frantically for years, by fair means and foul, to break the sphyghi monopoly. Very well.”
He aimed a cigar accusingly at the Algolian.
“With Xerian money, Ess Pu,” Macduff charged, “you came to Aidebaran Tau and bribed the highest officials, got hold of some sphyghi seeds and circumvented the usual customs search for contraband.
You bought the Mayor’s sealed okay by bribing him with Ao. You need not reply yet,” Macduff added hastily since he had no intention of cutting short his hour of triumph.
Ess Pu made a revolting noise in his throat. “Lethean dust,” he said, reminded of something. “Ah-h!”
He made a sudden forward motion.
Macduff dodged hastily around the desk behind Ramsay. “Call your men,” he suggested. “He’s running amuck. Disarm him.”
“Ye cannot disarm an Algolian without dismembering him,” Captain Ramsay said rather absently, looking up from the Handbook of Regulations. “Ah-Ess Pu. Ye dinna deny this charrge, I gather?”
“How can he deny it?” Macduff demanded. “The shortsighted scoundrel planted the sphyghi seeds in his cabin without even setting up an odor-denaturalizer. He deserves no mercy, the fool.”
“Weel?” Ramsay asked, in an oddly doubtful manner.
Ess Pu shook his narrow shoulders, crashed his tail emphatically against the floor and spread his jaws in what might have been a grin.
“Sphyghi?” he asked. “Sure. So?”
“Convicted out of his own mouth,” Macduff decided. “Nothing else is necessary. Brig him, Captain.
We will share the reward, if any.”
“No,” Captain Ramsay said, putting down the Handbook decisively. “Ye have put yer foot in it again, Macduff. Ye are no expert in interstellar law. We are now beyond the limits of ionization and therefore beyond the jurisdiction of Aldebaran Tau-with a guid deal of gibble gabble the lawyers put in.
But the meaning is dear enough. It was the job of the Aldebaranese to keep that sphyghi from being smuggled awa’ from them and since they failed, noo it is not my job to meddle. In fact, I canna. Against Regulations.”
“That’s it,” Ess Pu said with complacent satisfaction.
Macduff gasped. “You condone smuggling, Captain Ramsay?”
“I’m covered,” the Algolian said, making a coarse gesture toward Macduff.
“Aye,” Ramsay said, “he’s right. Regulations make it perfectly clear. As far as I am concerned it makes no difference whether Ess Pu is keeping sphyghi or daffodils in his cabin-or a haggis,” he added thoughtfully.
Ess Pu snorted and turned toward the door.
Macduff put a plaintive hand on the Captain’s arm.
“But he threatened me. My life isn’t safe around that Algolian. Just look at those claws.”