“I—uh—” Words wouldn’t come.
Callahan thumped him on the back again, this time lightly enough to rattle only two ribs. “Go along with you. What’s left is beginner’s stuff and I’ll finish it while you’re eating. I’m ahead and got nothing to do, anyhow. Go on.” He practically picked the smaller man off the
stool and shoved him through the door. “Sloane’s waiting. Heck, I’ll be glad to do it. Feel so good I can’t find enough to keep me busy.”
Sloane was flirting with one of the typists as Phineas plodded up, but he wound up that business with a wink and grabbed for his hat. ” ‘Smatter, Phin? You look all in. Bad bruise on your nose, too. Well, a good lunch’ll fix up the first part, at least. Best damned food you ever ate, and right around the corner.”
“Yes, Mr. Sloane, but would you… uh!” He couldn’t ask that now. He himself was a sinner, given to violent language. Glumly he followed the other out and into the corner restaurant. Then, as he settled into the seat, he realized he couldn’t eat; first among his penances should be giving up lunches.
“I… uh… don’t feel very hungry, Mr. Sloane. I’ll just have a cup of tea, I think.” The odors of the food in the clean little restaurant that brought twinges to his stomach would only make his penance that much greater.
But Sloane was ordering for two. “Same as usual, honey, and you might as well bring a second for my friend here.” He turned to Phineas. “Trouble with you, Phin, is that you don’t eat enough. Wait‘11 you get a whiff of the ham they serve here—and the pie! Starting, now, you’re eating right if I have to stuff it down you. Ah!”
Service was prompt, and the plates began to appear before the little man’s eyes. He could feel his mouth watering, and had to swallow to protest. Then the look in Sloane’s eye made him decide not to. Well, at least he could fast morning and night instead. He nodded to himself glumly, wishing his craven appetite wouldn’t insist on deriving so much pleasure from the food.
“And so,” Sloane’s voice broke in on his consciousness again, “after this, you’re either going to promise me you’ll eat three good meals a day or I’ll come around and stuff it down you. Hear?”
“Yes, Mr. Sloane, but—”
“Good. I’m taking that as a promise.” Phineas cringed. He hadn’t meant it that way; it couldn’t go through as a promise. “But—”
“No buts about it. Down there I figured you had as good a chance of being right as I did, so I didn’t open my mouth on the subject. But up here, that’s done with. No reason why you can’t enjoy life now.”
That was too much. “Life,” said Phineas, laying’ down his knife and preparing for siege, “was meant to give us a chance to prepare for the life to come, not to be squandered in wanton pleasure. Surely it’s better to suffer through a few brief years, resisting temptations, than to be forever damned to perdition. And would you sacrifice heaven for mere mundane cravings, transient and worthless?”
“Stow it, Phin. Doesn’t seem to me I sacrificed much to get here.” Then, at Phineas’ bewildered look. “Don’t tell me you don’t realize where you are? They told me they were sending a boy with the message; well, I guess he just missed you. You’re dead, Phin! This is heaven! We don’t talk much about it, but that’s the way it is!”
“No!” The world was rolling in circles under Phineas’ seat. He stared uncomprehendingly at Sloane, finding no slightest sign of mockery on the man’s face. And there was the hole in the memory of sins, and the changes, and—Callahan! Why, Callahan had died and been buried the year before; and here he was, looking ten years younger, and hearty as ever. But it was all illusion; of course, it was all illusion. Callahan wouldn’t be in heaven. “No, it can’t be.”
“But it is, Phin. Remember? I was down your way to get you for overtime work, and yelled at you just as you came out of your house. Then you started to cross, I yelled again—Come back now?”
There’d been a screeching of tires, Sloane running toward him suddenly waving frantically, and—blackout! “Then it hit? And this… is—”
“Uh-huh. Seems they picked me up with a shovel, but it took a month to finish you off.” Sloane dug into the pie, rolling it on his tongue and grinning. “And this
is Hereafter. A darned good one, too, even if nobody meets you at the gate to say ‘Welcome to Heaven.’ ” ·
Phineas clutched at the straw. “They didn’t tell you it was heaven, then? Oh.” That explained everything. Of course, he should have known. This wasn’t heaven after all; it couldn’t be. And though it differed from his conceptions, it most certainly could be the other place; there’d been that bee! Teh, it was just like Callahan and Sloane to enjoy perdition, misguided sinners, glorying in their unholiness.
Slowly the world righted itself, and Phineas Potts regained his normal state. To be sure, he’d used an ugly word, but what could be expected of him in this vile place? They’d never hold it against him under the circumstances. He lowered his eyes thankfully, paying no attention to Sloane’s idle remarks about unfortunates. Now if he could just find the authorities of this place and get the mistake straightened out, all might yet be well. He had always done his best to be righteous. Perhaps a slight delay, but not long; and then—no Callahan, no Sloane, no drafting, or bees, or grating noises!
He drew himself up and looked across at Sloane, sadly, but justly doomed to this strange Gehenna. “Mr. Sloane,” he asked firmly, “is there some place here where I can find… uh… authorities to… umm—”
“You mean you want to register a complaint? Why sure, a big white building about six blocks down; Adjustment and Appointment office.” Sloane studied him thoroughly. “Darned if you don’t look like you had a raw deal about something, at that. Look, Phin, they made mistakes sometimes, of course, but if they’ve handed you the little end, we’ll go right down there and get it put right.”
Phineas shook his head quickly. The proper attitude, no doubt was to leave Sloane in ignorance of the truth as long as possible, and that meant he’d have to go alone. “Thank you, Mr. Sloane, but I’ll go by myself, if you don’t mind. And… uh… if I don’t come back… uh—”
“Sure, take the whole afternoon off. Hey, wait, aren’t you gonna finish lunch?”
But Ph’ineas Potts was gone, his creaking legs carrying him out into the mellow noon sunlight and toward the towering white building that must be his destination. The fate of a man’s soul is nothing to dally over, and he wasn’t dallying. He tucked his umbrella close under his arm to avoid contact with the host of the damned, shuddering at the thought of mingling with them. Still, undoubtedly this torture would be added to the list of others, and his reward be made that much greater. Then he was at the Office of Administration, Appointments, and Adjustments.
There was another painted Jezebel at .the desk marked information, and he headed there, barely collecting his thoughts in time to avoid disgraceful excitement. She grinned at him and actually winked! “Mr. Potts, isn’t it? Oh, I’m so sorry you left before our messenger arrived. But if there’s something we can do now—”
“There is,” he told her firmly, though not too unkindly; after all, her punishment was ample without his anger. “I wish to see an authority here. I have a complaint; a most grievous complaint.”
“Oh, that’s too bad, Mr. Potts. But if you’ll see Mr. Alexander, down the hall, third door left, I’m sure he can adjust it.”
He waited no longer, but hurried where she pointed. As he approached, the third door opened and a dignified-looking man in a gray business suit stepped to it. The man held out a hand instantly. “I’m Mr. Alexander. Come in, won’t you? Katy said you had a complaint. Sit right over there, Mr. Potts. Ah, so. Now^if you’ll tell me about it, I think we can straighten it all out.”