"Like blue-point Siamese cats, huh?" I ran my blackened thumbnail through the seal.
"That's right. But they're not animals, boss. I remember what they put that kid-boy through for psychotic reinforcement of the factors that were golden to make sure they stuck. It tore me up to hear him talk about it when he'd visit us."
I pulled a porta-pix out of Alegra's envelope. Carlson's tries to personalise its messages.
"I'm sure glad they can erase the conscious memory from the kids' minds when they have to do that sort of stuff."
"Small blessings and all that," I said, flipping the porta-pix on.
Personalised but mass produced. " ... blessed addit ... " the little speaker echoed me. Poloscki and I had used Carlson's a couple of times, I know. I guess every other mechanic up here had too. The porta-pix had started in the middle. Now it hummed back to the beginning.
"You know," Sandy went on, "Joey was different, yeah, sort of dense about some things ... "
"Alegra," beamed the chic, grandmotherly type Carlson's always uses for messages of this sort, "we were so glad to receive the urine sample you sent us by Mr. Ratlit last Thursday ... "
" ... even so, Joey was one of the sweetest men or women I've ever known. He was the easiest person in the group to live with Maybe it was because he was away a lot ... "
" ... and now, just a week later — remember, Carlson's gives results immediately and confirms them by personalised porta-pix in seven days — we are happy to tell you that there will be a blessed addition to your group. However ... "
" ... All right, he was different, reacted funny to a lot of things. But nothing like this rank, destructive stupidity you find out here at the Star-pit ... "
" ... the paternity is not Mr. Ratlit's. If you are interested, for your eugenic records, in further information, please send us other possible urine samples from the men in your group, and we will be glad to confirm paternity ... "
" ... I can't understand the way people act out here, boss. And that's why I'm pushing on."
" ... Thank you so much for letting us give you this wonderful news. Remember, when in doubt, call Carlson's."
I said to Sandy, "You were married with — you loved a golden?"
Unbidden, the porta-pix began again. I flipped it off without looking.
"Sandy," I said, "you were hired because you were a fair mechanic and you kept off my back. Do what you're paid for. Get out of here!"
"Oh. Sure, boss." He backed quickly from the office.
I sat down.
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but when someone runs off and abandons a sick girl like that, it gets me. That was the trip to Carlson's, the one last little favour Ratlit never came back from. On the spot results, and formal confirmation in seven days In her physical condition, pregnancy would have been as fatal as the withdrawal. And she was too ill for any abortive method I know of not to kill her. On the spot results. Ratlit must have known all that too when he got the results back, the results that Alegra was probably afraid of, the results she sent him to find. Ratlit knew Alegra was going to die anyway. And so he stole a golden belt. "Loving someone, I mean really loving someone — " Alegra had said. When someone runs off and leaves a sick girl like that, there's got to be a reason. It came together for me like two fissionables. The explosion cut some moorings in my head I thought were pretty solidly fixed.
I pulled out the books, plugged in the computer, unplugged it, put the books away and stared into the ecologarium in my fist.
Among the swimming, flying, crawling things, mating, giving birth, growing, changing, busy at whatever their business was, I picked out those dead-end green worms. I hadn't noticed them before because they were at the very edge of things, bumping against the wall. After they released their free phosphates and got tired of butting the shell, they turned on each other and tore themselves to pieces.
Fear and anger is a bad combination in me.
I came close to being killed by a golden once, through that meanness and stupidity.
The same meanness and stupidity that killed Alegra and Ratlit.
And now when this damn kid threatens to — I mean at first I had thought he was threatening to —
I reached Gerg's a few minutes after the daylights went out and the street lamps came on. But I'd stopped in nearly a dozen places on the way. I remember trying to explain to a sailor from a star-shuttle who was just stopping over at the Star-pit for the first time and was all upset because one woman golden had just attacked another with a broken glass. I remember saying to the three-headed bulge of his shoulder, " ... an ant-colony! You know what it is, two pieces of glass with dirt between them, and you can see all the little ants make tunnels and hatch eggs and stuff When I was a kid, I had an ant-colony ... " I started to shake my hand in his face. The chain from the ecologarium was tangled up in my fingers.
"Look." He caught my wrist and put it down on the counter. "It's all right now, pal. Just relax."
"You look," I said as he turned away. "When I was a kid, all I had was an ant-colony!"
He turned back and leaned his rusty elbow on the bar. "Okay," he said affably. Then he made the most stupid and frustrating mistake he possibly could have just then. "What about your aunt?"
"My mother."
"I thought you were telling me about your aunt?"
"Naw," I said. "My aunt, she drank too much. This is about my mother."
"All right. Your mother then."
"My mother, see, she always worried about me, getting sick and things. I got sick a lot when I was a Little kid. She made me mad! Used to go down and watch the ships take off from a place they called the Brooklyn Navy Yards. They were ships that went to the stars."
The sailor's Oriental face grinned. "Yeah, me too. Used to watch 'em when I was a kid."
"But it was raining, and she wouldn't let me go!"
"Aw, that's too bad. Little rain never hurt a kid. Why didn't she call up and have it turned off so you could go out? Too busy to pay attention to you, huh? One of my old men was like that."
"Both of mine were," I said. "But not my ma. She was all over me all the time when she was there. But she made me mad!"
He nodded with real concern. "Wouldn't turn off the rain."
"Naw, couldn't. You didn't grow up where I did, narrow-minded, dark-side world. No modern conveniences."
"Off the main trading routes, huh?"
"Way off. She wouldn't let me go out, and that made me mad."
He was still nodding.
"So I broke it!" My fist came down hard on the counter, and the plastic globe in its brass cage clacked on the wood. "Broke it! Sand, glass all over the rug, on the window sill!"
"What'd you break?"
"Smashed it, stamped on it, threw sand whenever she tried to make me stop!"
"Sand? You lived on a beach? We had a beach when I was a kid. A beach is nice for kids. What'd you break?"
"Let all the damn bugs out. Bugs in everything for days. Let 'em all out."
"Didn't have no bugs on our beach. But you said you were off the main trading routes."
"Let 'em out." I banged my fist again. "Let everybody out, whether they like it or not! It's their problem whether they make it, not mine! Don't care, I don't — " was laughing now.
"She let you go out, and you didn't care?"
My hand came down on top of the metal cage, hard. I caught my breath at the pain. "On our beach," I said, turning my palm up to look. There were red marks across it. "There weren't any bugs on our beach." Then I started shaking.
"You mean you were just putting me on, before, about the bugs. Hey, are you all right?"