‘Such anger, Jake. You once loved me with the same fervour.’
‘I never loved you.’
‘Denying something doesn’t make it less real.’ Words by rote. He recognised their timbre, how they echoed with control, possession, deceit.
‘You mentioned forgiveness,’ he snapped. ‘Is it a general absolution you require or an itemised one? My van? The barn? Nadine’s paintings?’ She shook out the pashmina she carried across her arm and draped it around her shoulders, hugged it against her neck. ‘I’ve been seeing a psychologist. It’s something I should have done years ago. But if we’d hindsight to guide us we’d never make mistakes.’
‘I hope you’re finding it helpful.’
‘My skin feels raw, as if I’m being eviscerated,’ she admitted. ‘Is that what you want to hear?’
‘My opinion doesn’t matter.’
‘It matters the world to me,’ she replied. ‘Women who love too much. I belong to that category. They call it a disorder, a syndrome. What do these so-called experts know about a love that tears the heart out of you? You and I understand that, Jake. The need to possess what belongs to us.’
He should walk away yet something held him there. He was unable to identify it, not curiosity but, perhaps, the fascination he would feel in the presence of a dangerous animal, whose claws, for now, were sheathed.
She paused as Feral, speaking on her mobile, emerged from the club. The drummer flapped her hand at them and moved out of earshot. Streams of neon reflected on the canal and lights spangled the windows of tall, gracious houses. The city flaunted its nightlife in side streets and elegant boulevards but Jake’s mind was locked in a small, silent ward.
Karin, too, seemed lost in thought before she spoke again. ‘Nadine insisted on meeting me after Eleanor’s stroke,’ she said. ‘Did she tell you that?’
‘Yes.’
‘She accused me of being responsible for causing it. Is that what you believe?’
‘Indirectly… yes.’
‘Then you must think I’m monstrous.’
‘I think you cause havoc in people’s lives but never look behind to see the effect it has on them.’
‘My psychologist believes something similar.’ Her ring sparkled when she held out her hand. ‘A blue diamond.’ She studied the brilliant stone. ‘They’re rare and precious. Liam knew I wanted one and he found the perfect stone.’
‘Congratulations.’ He turned towards the door. ‘I’m needed inside. Good luck in your marriage.’
She moved in front of him and blocked the entrance. ‘You couldn’t afford to buy the cheapest fake yet I’d give him up tomorrow if we could get back together again.’
‘That’s never going to happen.’
‘You won’t be able to cope with Nadine on your own.’
‘I’ll always be able to cope.’
‘I know you better than you know yourself. You need something back from a relationship or else you find a replacement… like you did the instant she set you free. She can’t do that now, Jake. She’s paid the price – ’
‘What price are you talking about? Is this another way of hurting her?’
‘How can I hurt her when she’s a vegetable?’
‘What did you call her?’
‘She’s in a coma with no hope of recovery. Do you have an alternative word?’
He imagined bruises marbling her pale skin and flinched from the desire to inflict them. Had the love she claimed to feel for him ever existed or had it been hammered on the anvil of her hatred for Nadine? He remembered her standing in the bay window that night, the aura of flushed excitement he had mistaken for shock. And the rows, how they flared around Nadine even when she was a continent removed from them. What did it matter now? Nadine was where she wanted her; helpless, speechless, harmless.
‘Go back to your fiancée and respect that blue diamond he gave you,’ he said. ‘Do whatever you want but don’t involve me in any part of your future.’
Feral ended her phone call and came towards them. ‘God! It’s chilly out here. Is everything all right, you two?’
Karin, ignoring the question, stretched upwards on her toes and whispered in his ear. ‘She’ll always be a vegetable, Jake. I’ll be waiting for you when you’re ready to let her go.’
The wind from the river feathered her hair as she walked to the edge of the pavement and raised her arm for a taxi.
‘I didn’t realise you and Karin were seeing each other again.’ Curiosity sparked behind the concern in Feral’s eyes.
‘We’re not.’
‘I see… well, I don’t actually. What’s she doing here?’
‘She came to say goodbye.’ He turned back into the hall. ‘You must be tired.’
‘More uncomfortable, than tired.’ She rested her hands on her stomach. ‘Not long now.’
He had never seen that slow swelling on Ali, had never experienced that mounting anticipation as the due date drew nearer.
He ached to be back with Nadine, sharing her silence, yet when he returned to Mount Veronica and she was exactly the same as before he left, he plunged into a rage that left him breathless.
Chapter 66
I moan. No sound. I dream. No waking.
‘Look who I met on the corridor. We recognised each other immediately. Memories, eh. That’s what’ll bring you back to us, my dear, unfortunate child.’
‘What a coincidence… imagine bumping into your father like that. I thought he was in Australia but he’s here with you, as I am. We’re waiting for you to wake up, Nadine. Can you hear us… hear us…’
Worm in ear. Must scratch. Can’t. Not Jessica…not Jessica.
Father smacks fist into hand…smack…smack…smack.…
‘She’s getting worse. Look at her eyes. Nothing there but emptiness. Excuse me… I have to go… can’t hack it…’
Not Jessica stays. Perfume… can’t breathe…
‘It’s just like old times. You and I alone together sharing secrets. Remember how we giggled ourselves in hiccups over any silly boy who looked at us? Remember the vows we made. Friends forever. Remember what you did to destroy that friendship? Remember, Nadine? Remember?
‘I saw you with him. You pretended you were looking at stars but I knew what you were doing. I watched how you flattered him. That sideways smile, brushing against him every chance you got. You didn’t even bother pulling the curtains in your bedroom when you were writing those sickening fantasies. I saw everything… do you understand… everything! That day by the river. He called you Alcyone and I knew. You thought you were inviolate. Untouchable. First Jake, than my father. Jake signed my arm that night. He kissed me too. In the little snug in Barney’s before he want on stage. Oh, he was a good kisser then… and now.
‘We were together in Amsterdam. I freed the wildness in him in ways you never could. A conflagration, that’s what it was. Just like the barn. It’s the end game, Nadine. You must know that. He wants you dead. He told me so. Dead and buried like my father.
‘Did you ever feel a moment’s guilt as you trudged through your boring, busy life? Whinging about your marriage and how you never had a chance to decide your future. Did you ever wonder how I managed my broken heart? Drugs dull memory but nothing can destroy the truth. My mind exploded when I saw you at the airport that day. Or did it implode? Implosion crushes, explosion scatters. Can they happen simultaneously?’
‘Did you read your letters when I returned them to you? Of course you did. Were you so far removed from reality that you thought my father was in love with you? He would have laughed if he read them… and he would have…if only…if only…the two of us laughing together at your ridiculous fantasies…
‘How deep are your depths, now? Fathomless, probably. I want to tell you my secret. But not now. Another time. Eoin is waiting for me. Poor man. He doesn’t know what to do with you. His undead daughter. Bye for now. See you soon again.’