A tour boat passed, its windows glittering. Voices drifted from the gallery. An outburst of shrill laughter sounded unpleasantly against his ears. He returned inside and searched for Aurora in the crowd but was unable to see her. The Shard portrait and the sundered house had red dots on them already. He would buy Dawn Above the Viaduct. Chloe promised to send it to him as soon as the exhibition ended but he insisted on taking it with him.
On the tube to Heathrow he imagined the unlit road, two sets of headlights clashing. He visualised a car speeding from Sea Aster. The bend beyond the gate that always required a slowing down before taking the right hand turn onto Mallard Cove. Either car just needed to be slightly over the wrong side of the road for an accident to happen. Theory was not the same as fact. Instinct had no place in a court of law, psychic proclamations even less so.
He took out his mobile and checked back over the hundreds of texts he had received since the night of the accident. Eventually, he found the one he wanted. Berlin Rocks. Just two words sent from her mobile. A warning. She knew where he was. He had intended on deleting it but the call from Eleanor came and everything that happened before that moment became irrelevant.
The air was filled with musk. Intimate secretions from animals and plants; an alluring fragrance on his pillow. Hallucinatory throwbacks to torrid nights. Why that word? Its echo vibrated from the tracks, screamed in the whistling tunnels… musk… musk… musk.
‘You look wrecked,’ Ali said when he arrived home. ‘How was the exhibition?’
‘Four red dots on Nadine’s paintings before the night was over,’ he said. ‘This one is my favourite.’
‘It’s beautiful.’ Ali stood back to admire the painting. ‘Where will you hang it?’
‘In Nadine’s ward.’
‘The perfect place.’
‘That woman with the angel shop. Did you ever meet her?’
‘Once, when I was visiting Mum.’
‘What do you make of her?’
‘She scared me… no… that’s not true. She made me scared of myself… what I was doing. But it was too late by then.’
‘Ali, are you okay?’
‘I’m fine… fine. Why are you asking about Aurora?’
‘I’m not sure… can you remember anything more about the accident?’
‘Like what?’ She stiffened, raised her shoulders.
‘Could another car possibly have been involved?’
‘I was asleep when the car skidded.’ Her voice shook. ‘All I remember is the wall… knowing we were going to hit it. But I can’t talk about it, Dad. I just can’t.’
Sara, as if sensing her mother’s distress, began to cry. She still had the kitten cry of a very young baby but it had a lusty determination that demanded instant attention. Ali took her from the sling and pressed her to her shoulder.
The evenings were shortening. The grass needed cutting. Tomorrow he would work for a while on the attic before driving to Mount Veronica. The wall, having withstood the force of Cora’s car, still formed a solid barricade around Sea Aster. The overhanging trees had a late autumnal glow, as if the green leaves leaching into yellow and russet knew their time was limited and bloomed all the brighter because of it.
Chapter 70
Sensations. Hot. Cold. Sore. Numb. Sting. Tingles. Pressure. Wet. Dry. Shivery. Fear.
Sounds. Ping. Hiss. Bleep. Sigh. Sob. Whish. Whirr. Laugh. Whispers.
Smells. Flowers. Food. Disinfectant. Perfume…
‘The kingfisher is a beautiful bird. Deadly and aggressive. Not advisable to mess with it. I watched him slide that feather into your hair. I knew then that my suspicions were right. Star-gazing when all you saw was him.
‘My mother hated his other women. She never stopped drinking long enough to know they meant nothing to him… or maybe she was drinking because she knew she was included in that truth. I should ask her, I suppose. But we’ve never been into mother-daughter intimacies and, to be honest, I don’t care one way or the other.
‘When I read your letters I was angry with him. I believed he’d debased himself. I allowed myself to believe your fantastical lies… your mad ravings. You, my best friend. It was intolerable. I heard them fighting that night. I was used to their rows, the names she threw at him… Saumya, Annalyse, Tara, Lynnette. He walked away from her, as he always did. As I wanted to do. Fifteen… eighteen… what was the difference? I wanted to be with him, not her but what was I to make of your lies and insinuations? I followed him. Do you understand? I followed him. He was standing on top of the cliff watching the lightening. Better than fireworks, he said. Better than a shower of meteors. I told him about your letters. Do you know what he called you? A stupid child. A fantasist! Do you know what I called him? A liar. Liar! Liar! I pushed him away when he tried to hold me and ran from him. The wind, I hear it still, screaming in from the ocean, and the thunder. How was I to know he’d slip? The mud turning to sludge. The earth breaking away and he was gone. I never knew. I was running… running to Jake… your letters safe in my keep. Jake would have read them that night. Afterwards, when we were alone. But then… but then…
‘He’s read them now. All of them. He had to know your whorish secrets… what you were like that summer. Lying in that cave with him when all you were thinking about was my father. Imagining him inside you… slut. Strange, isn’t it, how your letters destroyed my father and now they’ve destroyed you?
‘Was it as quick for you in the end? You and the sylph and the old woman who should have been put off the road years ago. You were not supposed to be there. I won’t have blood on my hands… not now… not then.
‘I’ll be back again. I know I can trust you to keep my secrets safe in your deep, dark well.
Hand on mouth. Tight. Door closes. Shivers on skin. Water in mouth. Stomach cramps. Can’t hold back. Imelda must come. Make me clean again… please… please come. I am soiled. I am nothing.
Jake here. Shame… shame…
‘Imelda…Imelda! Nadine needs attention.’
No one comes. Holds his eyes on mine… a new word… jewels… jewels… jewels…
‘Look at me, Nadine. Don’t think of anything else. None of this matters. You are my love… my love.’
He makes me clean. Basin. Sponge. Towel. Napkin. Opens window. Wind good. Air fresh.
Imelda sorry.
‘Terrible that you had to do that, Jake. We need two pairs of hands in this job, cutbacks… cutbacks… Are you sure you can manage? I’m run off my feet this evening.’
‘Yes. I’ll always manage.’
Jewels… jewels…
‘This is your painting, Nadine. It’s beautiful. I’m going to hang it here so that you can see it. And this angel, Aurora sends it with her love. I’m leaving it here on your bedside locker. Can you see? The angel of the veil, she calls it. Crazy woman, her and her dancing angels.’
Not jewels… tears! Tears falling everywhere.
And another word… love….
Days pass… words come when I don’t struggle. Like snowflakes on my tongue… then gone. Then back. Rain falls. Rain stops. Colours. Sky. Rainbow. Jake here. Kisses. Soft lips. Goes. Samantha drew rainbow and Sam too… and Brian… Ali… rainbow pictures on fridge… rainbow on angel wings… on wall. Rainbow on wall. See it. Count it. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet. Tap fingers. Seven times. Rainbow angel prism. Is promise. Tap… tap… tap… tap… tap… tap… tap…