I had not seen him since my visit to Castle Folly. I was sure he would be very interested to hear what had happened and I wanted to learn what he thought of my trying to get in touch with Miss Carson. I knew that Lawrence would not approve. He would think immediately of how distressing it might be for a woman in her position to be reminded of the past. I tried to make myself believe that he would be wrong and that Miss Carson would be pleased that I remembered her with fondness.
As I entered the restaurant, Lucian rose from the table at which he was seated and greeted me. He looked happy, without what I had come to think of as that haunted look. In fact, he looked very like the boy I had known at those tea-parties who had tacitly insisted that I should be treated as the others were.
“It’s been a long time since we met,” he said.
“You always say that, Lucian.”
“That’s because it always seems so.”
He smiled at me, and, as we sat down, said: “So you have been visiting again.”
“It was a particularly interesting visit.” I told him about my mother, Harriman Blakemore and Castle Folly.
“What an interesting background you have sprung from!” he said.
“You would like my mother. She is so amusing and so different from everyone else. And Harriman is unique, too.”
“I hope I shall meet them.”
“Oh, you must. They want to meet you. It was wonderful finding her.” I explained what had happened.
“It was during that time I was staying with your mother, I found Rosie Perrin in the woods, and she put me in touch with Rosaleen … Zingara that was.”
“Tell me more.”
So I did.
“The wonderful thing is that I have a home there now. I have felt guilty about staying so long at the Hysons’. Not that they have hinted in the slightest way that they don’t want me there. In fact, there are protests if I speak of leaving. But my mother’s home will be mine. And I suppose Harriman is my stepfather. It’s a wonderful feeling of security.”
“Carmel, I have been wanting to talk to you seriously for some time.”
“Yes?”
“When you came back, it was so interesting for me. I felt as though we were young again. I wish we had not lost all those years.
We ought to have grown up together. “
I laughed.
“When we knew each other all those years ago, I was just a little girl. You were far above me. You only condescended to know me because I was a poor little outsider and you had a kind heart. It was like that, you know. I wasn’t even as old as Estella or Camilla.”
“That’s true, I suppose. But I did miss you when you went away.”
“As you did Estella and Henry.”
“Differently. That is the point. Everything is different. There is something missing at the Grange. It’s my fault, of course. It ought to be as it used to be when I was young. I suppose it is because I made the most ghastly mistake that anyone can make. I’ve changed everything. I’ve brought a gloom into the place. I want to break out of that, and I want you to help me.”
I looked at him steadily and said: “You had better say exactly what you mean.”
“I want to marry you.”
I felt a lifting of my spirits. I had not felt like this since that terrible night when they had put me in the lifeboat, leaving Toby behind. I knew that part of me wanted this and that I felt for Lucian what I would never feel for James or Lawrence. I liked them both very much, of course. I enjoyed their society, but my feelings for Lucian were different. There was an excitement for me in his company. With James or Lawrence I knew exactly what to expect, but there was something in Lucian which mystified me. I felt there was something secret he was keeping from me.
It was because of this that I hesitated and he was immediately aware of my hesitation.
“You don’t like the idea?” he said.
“No, no, no. It is not that I am not very fond of you, Lucian.”
“That sounds like the classic refusal.
“I am very fond of you, but…” Carmel, tell me quickly. There is a “but” , isn’t there? “
“I will say what I intended. I am very fond of you, but…”
“Ah,” he said.
“There it comes.”
“It is just that I am unsure. So much has happened. I do care for you very much. You were the hero of my childhood. You must understand. I hope we shall continue to see each other as we have been doing. They have been very happy times for me, but we have to know more of each other. You see, it was for me a very particular childhood friendship, but we have both changed since then. So much has happened to us … both. Important things. They have had their effect on us.
That is what I mean. I do care for you, but there are times when I feel I do not know you as I should someone with whom I propose to spend my whole life. “
“You are thinking of my marriage.”
“I think that might have something to do with it.”
“I will tell you exactly what happened. I can understand your feelings, of course. It is the whole set-up in the house, isn’t it?
The wife who died so soon after the marriage, the child, that old ghoul of a nurse. I will tell you everything. I intended to. In fact, I have come near doing so on several occasions, but I am afraid that, like most people, if something is unpleasant, I try to forget it and deceive myself into thinking that it is all past and forgotten. It happened quickly. There was a sort of gathering . those of us who had been at university together. It was a grand weekend party. There were several girls with us. Laura was one of them.
“I had met her once or twice before. She was very young and pretty, in a rather artless way which had an appeal. We had all drunk more than we should. I suppose I felt I must be like the rest… sophisticated, worldly. You know what young men are like. I make no excuses for myself. I must be like the rest. Later, one realizes that in one foolish moment things can happen which will affect one’s whole life. Let me hasten over that act of folly. Some time after, she came to me in great distress. She was pregnant. What was she to do? She said her father would never forgive her. He had given her a London season in the hope that she would make a good marriage. There was only one course open to her. She was going to kill herself. “
I looked at him in horror and he went on: “I did not know then that that was the way she talked. I believed her. She was so small and helpless.” He looked at me steadily.
“Imagine what it would be like to be responsible for some one’s death. It would be something you would have to live with for the rest of your life. How would you feel about that, Carmel?”
“It would be unendurable.”
“It did occur to me that I might not be responsible. In fact, I had a very strong conviction that that might be the case. But she was so certain, so determined that if I did not marry her there was only the one course open to her. I could not have that on my conscience as well as …”
“So you married her.”
He nodded.
“It was a speedy wedding. Her father was agreeable. He said that he had the brass and all Laura needed was a good handle to her name. He would have liked a grand wedding, but he had to be contented with what we could have in such circumstances. Well, the rest was inevitable. I suppose I discovered that the child could not have been mine, and that she had tricked me into marrying her. Her father would never have allowed her to marry her lover so she had chosen me to help her out of her dilemma. There was only one good piece of luck in the affair. The child was a girl. I should have felt very guilty about foisting someone else’s bastard on the family.”
“Lucian, I am so sorry for you. You must have suffered a good deal.”
“You can imagine it, can’t you, Carmel? The wretchedness, the frustration. And she brought Jemima Cray with her, that woman who had been her nurse and, as some nurses do, stayed with her to be her constant companion and confidante. She knew of Laura’s secret liaison with the father of the child. He was some distant connection of hers, I discovered. She had hoped Laura’s father would relent when he knew there was to be a child, but he had done no such thing. He wanted to be rid of the child and he would have had it adopted as soon as it was born and the matter kept a secret. Then Laura saw the chance … and, like a fool, I was duped. The father was agreeable that she should marry me and all would be forgiven.