Now I'm grounded. Also enraged at myself. Or not at myself-at this bad turn my body has done me. After having imposed itself on us like the egomaniac it is, clamouring about its own needs, foisting upon us its own sordid and perilous desires, the body's final trick is simply to absent itself. Just when you need it, just when you could use an arm or a leg, suddenly the body has other things to do. It falters, it buckles under you; it melts away as if made of snow, leaving nothing much. Two lumps of coal, an old hat, a grin made of pebbles. The bones dry sticks, easily broken.
It's an affront, all of that. Weak knees, arthritic knuckles, varicose veins, infirmities, indignities-they aren't ours, we never wanted or claimed them. Inside our heads we carry ourselves perfected-ourselves at the best age, and in the best light as welclass="underline" never caught awkwardly, one leg out of a car, one still in, or picking our teeth, or slouching, or scratching our noses or bums. If naked, seen gracefully reclining through a gauzy mist, which is where movie stars come in: they assume such poses for us. They are our younger selves as they recede from us, glow, turn mythical.
As a child, Laura would say: In Heaven, what age will I be?
Laura was standing on the front steps of Avilion, between the two stone urns where no flowers had been planted, waiting for us. Despite her tallness, she looked very young, very fragile and alone. Also peasantlike, pauperish. She was wearing a pale-blue housedress printed with faded mauve butterflies-mine, three summers before-and no shoes whatsoever. (Was this some new mortification of the flesh, or was it simple eccentricity, or had she simply forgotten?) Her hair was in a single braid, coming down over her shoulder, like the stone nymph's at our lily pool.
God knows how long she'd been there. We hadn't been able to say exactly when we'd arrive, because we'd come down by car, which was possible at that time of year: the roads were not flooded or axle-deep in mud, and some were even paved by then.
I saywe, because Richard came with me. He said he wouldn't think of sending me off to face such a thing alone, not at a time like this. He was more than solicitous.
He drove us himself, in his blue coupe-one of his newest toys. In the trunk behind us were our two suitcases, the small ones, just for overnight-his maroon leather, mine lemon-sherbet yellow. I was wearing an eggshell linen suit-frivolous to mention it, no doubt, but it was from Paris and I was very keen on it-and I knew it would be wrinkled at the back once we arrived. Linen shoes, with stiff fabric bows and peek-a-boo toes. My matching eggshell hat rode on my knees like a delicate gift box.
Richard was a jumpy driver. He didn't like to be interrupted-he said it ruined his concentration-and so we made the trip in silence, more or less. The trip took over four hours, which now takes less than two. The sky was clear, and bright and depthless as metal; the sun poured down like lava. The heat wavered up off the asphalt; the small towns were closed against the sun, their curtains drawn. I remember their singed lawns and white-pillared porches, and the lone gas stations, the pumps like cylindrical one-armed robots, their glass tops like brimless bowler hats, and the cemeteries that looked as if no one else would ever be buried in them. Once in a while we'd hit a lake, with a smell of dead minnows and warm waterweed coming off it.
As we drove up, Laura did not wave. She stood waiting while Richard brought the car to a stop and clambered out and walked around to open the door on my side. I was swinging my legs sideways, both knees together as I'd been taught, and reaching for Richard's proffered hand, when Laura suddenly came to life. She ran down the steps and took hold of my other arm and hauled me out of the car, ignoring Richard completely, and threw her arms around me and clutched on to me as if she were drowning. No tears, just that spine-cracking embrace.
My eggshell hat fell out onto the gravel and Laura stepped on it. There was a crackling sound, an intake of breath from Richard. I said nothing. In that instant I no longer cared about the hat.
Arms around each other's waists, Laura and I went up the steps into the house. Reenie loomed in the kitchen door at the far end of the hall, but she knew enough to leave us alone right then. I expect she turned her attention to Richard-distracted him with a drink or something. Well, he would have wanted to look over the premises and have a stroll around the grounds, now that he'd effectively inherited them.
We went straight up to Laura's room and sat down on her bed. We held on tightly to each other's hands -left in right, right in left. Laura wasn't weeping, as on the telephone. Instead she was calm as wood.
"He was in the turret," said Laura. "He'd locked himself in."
"He always did that," I said.
"But this time he didn't come out. Reenie left the trays with his meals on them outside the door as usual, but he wasn't eating anything, or drinking anything either-or not that we could tell. So then we had to kick down the door."
"You and Reenie?"
"Reenie's boyfriend came-Ron Hincks-the one she's going to marry. He kicked it down. And Father was lying on the floor. He must have been there for at least two days, the doctor said. He looked awful."
I hadn't realised that Ron Hincks was Reenie's boyfriend-indeed her fianc ©. How long had that been going on, and how had I missed it?
"Was he dead, is that what you're saying?"
"I didn't think so at first, because his eyes were open. But he was dead all right. He looked… I can't tell you how he looked. As if he was listening, to something that had startled him. He lookedwatchful."
"Was he shot?" I don't know why I asked this.
"No. He was just dead. It was put in the paper as natural causes-suddenly, of natural causes, is what it said-and Reenie told Mrs. Hillcoate that it was natural causes all right, because drinking certainly was like second nature to Father, and judging from all the empty bottles he'd downed enough booze to choke a horse."
"He drank himself to death," I said. It wasn't a question. "When was this?"
"It was right after they announced the permanent closing of the factories. That's what killed him. I know it was!"
"What?" I said. "What permanent closing? Which factories?"
"All of them," said Laura. "All of ours. Everything of ours in town. I thought you must have known about it."
"I didn't know," I said.
"Ours have been merged in with Richard's. Everything's been moved to Toronto. It's all Griffen-Chase Royal Consolidated, now." No more Sons, in other words. Richard had made a clean sweep of them.
"So that means no jobs," I said. "None here. It's finished. Wiped out."
"They said it was a matter of costs. After the button factory was burned-they said it would take too much to rebuild it."
"Who isthey?"
"I don't know," said Laura. "Wasn't it Richard?"
"That wasn't the deal," I said. Poor Father-trusting to handshakes and words of honour and unspoken assumptions. It was becoming clear to me that this was not the way things worked any more. Maybe it never had been.
"What deal?" said Laura.
"Never mind."
I'd married Richard for nothing, then-I hadn't saved the factories, and I certainly hadn't saved Father.
But there was Laura, still; she wasn't out on the street. I had to think of that. "Did he leave anything-any letter, any note?"
"No."
"Did you look?"
"Reenie looked," said Laura in a small voice; which meant that she herself hadn't been up to it.
Of course, I thought. Reenie would have looked. And if she had in fact found anything like that, she would have burned it.
Father wouldn't have left a note though. He would have been aware of the implications. He wouldn't have wanted a verdict of suicide, because, as it turned out, he'd had some life insurance: he'd been paying into it for years, so no one could accuse him of having fixed it up at the last minute. He'd tied up the money-it was to go straight into a trust, so that only Laura could touch it, and only after she was twenty-one. He must already have distrusted Richard by then, and concluded that leaving any of it to me would have done no good. I was still a minor, and I was Richard's wife. The laws were different then. What was mine was his, to all intents and purposes.