‘Do as I say, just this once, Dad,’ I said to him. ‘The cot is sturdier. From now on, this is where you’ll sleep.’
I began dressing him in clean clothes, and as I was putting on his socks, I bent down and took the rope out from under the cot. First I looped it around his feet, without his realizing what I was doing. Until, that is, he noticed that my hands were shaking. He shouted and began to struggle. ‘What are you doing? What? You’re tying me up? My own son! You’ve gone crazy! Is this how you get your revenge?’
‘This isn’t revenge, Dad. I’m trying to save you.’ In my anxiety, I wrapped the rope around him speedily and indiscriminately. ‘Bear with me, Dad, I’ll be finished in a minute, and I won’t let you go down. You can’t go down there. I’m here, and I’ll keep death away!’
Father kept struggling until his strength ran out. ‘Go ahead,’ he said, ‘tie me up. I raised you to adulthood and taught you all those years, and this is what it’s all come to.’ A bleak smile creased the corners of his mouth, releasing a crystalline bubble that fell to the floor and disappeared. He gave me a cold look. ‘You’re too late,’ he said. ‘The river wants me. I don’t care if you’re a dutiful son or an unworthy one, you’re too late. Me tying you or you tying me, it makes no difference. It’s too late for anything.’
The hopelessness I saw in him scared and saddened me. I felt the blood rush to my head. ‘It’s not too late, Dad, it’s not. You have to wait.’ I tied his hands to the sides of the cot as I prepared a vow. ‘Don’t fight me, Dad, don’t be stubborn. You have to wait. I’m going ashore in a minute and I’m going to make sure that bastard Zhao Chuntang comes aboard our barge to give you the apology you deserve.’
‘Don’t do anything stupid,’ Father cried out. ‘Even if you drag him aboard and force him to tell me he’s sorry, I won’t accept his apology. You mustn’t go. If you do, I’ll find a way to die before you get back.’
But my mind was made up, and I wasn’t about to let my trussedup father interfere with my plan. I picked up the wooden tub, took it out on deck and dumped the dirty water into the river. Not wanting the rope to cut into Father’s flesh, I checked all the knots to make sure they were tight but not too tight. I placed two steamed buns and a glass of water next to his head. ‘Dad,’ I said, ‘I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, so if you’re hungry there’s food, and water if you’re thirsty.’ I put the bedpan down by his hip, but then it dawned on me that he could not relieve himself tied up like that. So I reached down to take off his trousers, to which he reacted by curling up and angrily spitting in my face. What I was doing, I knew, was taboo. We needed to talk this out. ‘I have to take them off, Dad. How else are you going to relieve yourself? Someone like you, so insistent on cleanliness, doesn’t want to pee in his trousers.’
I saw a trickle of murky tears snake down his cheeks. Then he turned his face away and I heard him say, ‘Go ahead, take them off, but don’t look. Promise me you won’t look.’
I promised, but when I pulled down his underpants, I couldn’t stop myself from looking down. What I saw shocked me. His penis looked like a discarded silkworm cocoon, shrivelled and ugly, lying partially hidden in a clump of grass. I’d imagined it to be ugly, but not that ugly or that shrivelled. It looked miserable and sad. Instinctively I covered my eyes and ran to the door, not taking my hands away until I was at the bottom of the ladder. I didn’t realize I was crying until the palms of my hands felt wet. I looked down at them — there were fresh tears falling through my fingers.
Memorial Stone
I WENT ASHORE.
The sunset had begun to lose its brilliance at the far end of the Golden Sparrow River when I stepped off the gangplank, and in no time, empty, dark clouds had taken its place. This was normally the time when I’d be returning home from a visit to the shore, but everything was different now. As night began to fall, I left the barge with a plan.
The lights had already come on around the piers, including the searchlights at the oil-pumping station, their snow-white beams lighting up the loading docks and the sky above, then creeping across the embankment. Half of our barge was in the light, the other half lay in the water, brooding. The stray cat leaped out of the darkness as soon as I stepped on land and scurried up to the bow of our barge, and I let it be. With Father all alone in the cabin, having a stray cat watch over him was better than nothing.
The evening wind chilled me as my sweat-soaked cotton jersey stuck to my chest and back. Having forgotten to put on shoes, I walked down the newly paved street barefoot, as if prowling the decks of the barge. The soft, slightly tacky surface seemed to be taking pity on the soles of my feet. There was no one to disturb the peace from the embankment to the loading dock. Li Juhua and her co-workers had turned off the machinery at the pumping station when their workday ended. The longshoremen had all gone home. A towering hoist and several light cranes sat quietly in the twilight like strange sleeping beasts. Cargo unloaded during the day had all been taken away, leaving the piers uncannily spacious and quiet.
Too quiet for me. Ghosts are drawn to stillness. As I passed the office of the security group, where a dim light shone through the window, I heard someone intoning a verse or reciting a piece of prose. But that stopped abruptly, and was followed by raucous laughter. Baldy Chen and Scabby Five’s laughter was especially loud, while the woman, Wintersweet, was laughing so hard she could barely breathe. ‘Stop,’ she begged between bursts of laughter, ‘don’t read any more, or I’ll laugh myself sick!’
I tiptoed up to the window, where I listened to what was going on inside. When the laughter died down, Scabby Five recommenced his intonation, and this time I heard a familiar phrase: ‘The water gourd will love the sunflower till the seas dry up and rocks turn to dust!’
My head buzzed as I pressed my hands against my ears. No one was more familiar with that lyrical passage than I. Ah, ‘The water gourd will love the sunflower till the seas dry up and rocks turn to dust!’ It was from page 34 or 35 of my diary, where I wrote down my feelings about Huixian when she was singing with the district opera troupe. Now I knew that my diary had fallen into Wang Xiaogai’s hands. They were reciting passages from it. It was too late for regrets. I’d hidden my diary in the lining of my bag so Father wouldn’t find it. I’d managed to keep it out of Father’s hands, but not theirs, and they were reciting passages from it for their entertainment!
As I stood outside the security-office window, I was both ashamed and angry. ‘Don’t stop, Xiaogai,’ Wintersweet said. ‘Read the juicy passages for us.’
‘These are the only pages I could get my hands on,’ Xiaogai said. ‘Old Cui got some of the others, and Little Chen tore out a few for himself. Huixian got the rest, and nobody wanted to take them from her, since she is the sunflower, and just about everything in that thick little book is about her.’
Break up their little gathering or not? I couldn’t decide. In the end, lacking the courage to burst in on them, all I could do was mutter, ‘We’ll settle scores when this is all over. The time will come. But settle scores with whom? Xiaogai? Old Cui? Little Chen? Or Huixian? Or maybe I should get my revenge on Old Seven of Li Village. I looked up into the sky, then turned to face the riverbank, where barge number seven lay all alone in the deepening twilight. That snapped me out of it. Father was more important than me, and my vow to him took precedence over my lost diary. There was no time to waste, I had to find Zhao Chuntang and bring him back to the barge with me. Every debt has its debtor, and every injustice its perpetrator. I had to get him to apologize to my father.