“We want a lot of things,” I said.
He gathered his lips together and let out another sigh, one with a big P at the beginning of it. “I was just a total waste,” he said. “A mess. I hurt people and stole from them. I told lies day and night. I lied about who I was and what I’d done and when I’d gone to the bathroom last and how tall I was. It didn’t matter what, I lied about it.”
Outside a coyote yowled protest at the heat, and Christopher Nordine sat bolt upright at the sound. “Why?” I asked.
His eyes remained fixed on the window. “Why does anybody lie? Because the truth isn’t good enough. I wasn’t good enough. I was a nobody. I hadn’t done anything, and I didn’t think I ever would. I was a little ball of fear with legs and arms, so I lied to everybody. Some of them believed me, or wanted to, so I despised them for believing me, and that made it all right to steal from them. And when they caught me stealing, I lied some more, and they believed me again.”
The nakedness of it unsettled me, and I got up and opened the door to the deck. The moon hung white and remote across the canyon, cold and alone and proud of it. “They were lonely,” I suggested.
He shrugged. “They were old.”
I turned to face him. “Max was old, too.”
“Max has been the same age all his life. Max is ageless.” He stopped and put the pale fingers to his eyelids. They shook. “Was. Was ageless.”
“Did you lie to Max?”
“Of course I did. I gave him all the best stuff, right off the bat. He laughed at me. He said it was up to me, I could tell him lies and he could pretend to believe me if I wanted him to, or he could help me lose the fear. Up to me.”
“And you?”
He crossed a leg and then uncrossed it. “You have to understand, this was in the first fifteen minutes we knew each other. We were at some stupid party in the hills, and there we were, standing in a corner, and he’s saying all this stuff to me. So I hesitated, really just trying to think of something plausible, and he laughed and said he’d pretend to believe me on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and on Tuesdays and Thursdays we’d work on the fear.”
I caught myself starting to grin: “What about weekends?”
He saw my smile and the corners of his mouth went down, but then he relaxed and smiled back. It was a sweet smile, a slightly awkward smile that didn’t look like it had gotten much use. “I asked the same question. He said he read on weekends, and I could go lie to someone else if I liked. To keep in practice.”
“And did he? Read a lot?”
“All weekend long, fourteen hours a day. He’d get up around five and meditate for an hour, and then drink some tea, and the books would come out. Max learned to meditate in India. He went in the early sixties, years before anyone else did.”
“And you decided to let Max work on the fear.”
“No.” He looked around the room, not really seeing it. “I decided to pretend to work on the fear, to let him think I was-” He cleared his throat, and I threw him the bottle of water. He caught it with both hands but didn’t open it. “I said something like when do we start, and he said, ‘Right now.’ And then he whispered in my ear, ‘This is the worst thing I’ve ever done. I killed a man. Do you want to come home with me?’”
For some reason, Max Grover’s long slender hand, clutching a lemon, popped into my mind’s eye. “Max killed someone?”
“In India. It was self-defense, a French guy who was going to murder him and take his money. Max had a lot of money in those days. He got away with it, he literally got away with murder. And he told me about it, fifteen minutes after we met. A stranger, and he told me. So we went home, and we talked until two the next afternoon. Except for crying breaks. At the end, I couldn’t stop crying long enough to breathe, and he put his arms around me and held me until I went to sleep. I slept until it was dark again, and when I woke up he was still awake, still holding me. ‘Good start, Christy,’ he said. By then it was almost nine, I mean nine the next evening, and he went into the kitchen and made dinner.” His voice hadn’t changed, but tears were rolling down his cheeks. “And before we went to sleep again, he told me he’d take me in the morning to get an HIV test.”
“And you tested positive.”
“He knew I would. He’d felt it inside me.” He pushed himself to his feet slowly, putting a hand against the wall for support, and started toward the front door. “When I got the results, I went wild, just totally insane. I thought I’d be dead in days or something.” He got to the door, opened it, and closed it again, moving just to move. “Max drove me to the clinic to get the report. He took me back to his place-I’ll never forget that car ride, all those people on the streets who were going to live forever-and when we got home I started screaming and breaking things. He just handed me new things to throw until there wasn’t anything left in the living room small enough for me to break, and then he took me by the hand and led me into the kitchen so I could start on the dishes. I guess I broke a few, and then I passed out.” He turned toward the open door. “Did you say that was a deck?”
“Good idea,” I said. “Let’s go out.”
We climbed out onto the deck. Christopher’s eyes went to the moon, four-fifths full, hanging over the mountains to the west with a high thin line of cloud above it. Below us in the canyon people’s lights were on.
“This is why you live here,” he said, taking it in.
“It’s one reason.”
“Did your girlfriend live here with you?”
“She found it.”
“So that’s another reason.” He looked around the deck and spotted the remaining canvas chair. “I guess the other chair’s out near the front door.”
“Sit. I usually let my legs hang over the edge anyway.”
“Long way down.”
“Somebody once injected me with vodka so he could throw me off it and it’d look like I’d been drunk.”
“That’d do the job,” he said, easing himself into the chair. “What happened?”
“I killed him.”
“My, my.” He leaned back and stared up at the moon. “All those pockmarks,” he said. “I never thought the moon was romantic.”
“It’s okay at a distance.”
He started to move his feet, preparing to get up. “I forgot the water.”
“It’s almost gone anyway. I’ll get a new bottle.”
In the kitchen, I realized he was talking.
“…after I’d burned out on the terror, Max started talking to me about what I should do with the rest of my life. Nothing was different, he said, except now we had a deadline. I don’t think I’d ever really heard that word before. And I, I was just amazed. Because, you see, I’d assumed he’d throw me out.”
I stayed where I was, holding the bottle of water like a chalice of some kind.
“So he said we had to start making time count. We had to build my strength and work on my spirit. My spirit, Jesus, no one ever talked to me about my spirit before. I figured I had a spirit like some people have lint in their pockets, no more important than that, and I tuned him out and interrupted him with something I thought was really important, like whether he was actually going to let me stay. And he said to me, ‘Where else would you go?’
“And then he put his hand in the center of my chest, his palm to my chest, and held it there, and I felt a kind of warmth come into me, and the warmth turned into a tingle and flowed into my arms and legs. ‘What is that?’ I asked him, and he said, ‘That’s your spirit.’” Nordine stopped talking for a long time, but I didn’t move. “So we went to work on my spirit,” he said at last.
I waited a moment and then took the water out onto the deck. Christopher was slumped in the chair, his head down and his hands folded in his lap. I unscrewed the top on the water and sat next to him. “Two days later,” he said without moving, “Max told me about the house, that he’d willed it to me.” He reached over, and I gave him the bottle. “I didn’t kill him,” he said. Then he drank.