Dad came home cursing and swearing, saying the family’s house had burnt down. It wasn’t his fault, he said, it was the mother who set it on fire while she was cooking. But the funeral hadn’t been a success, and he always wanted everything to go well. Dad said it was all because I’d made a fuss. He didn’t know what had got into me. I must have gone mad. And what kind of a job was being an undertaker anyway, if it sent his son crazy.
Mum told Dad I wanted a mobile. Dad was furious: ‘I haven’t even started with you yet, and you’ve got the cheek to start asking for presents!’
Mum pulled Dad to one side and started whispering. Dad sighed and his tone softened. ‘Not even city folks can afford a mobile,’ he told me. ‘That girl probably wanted one her whole life and didn’t get one. I suppose the family bought her a fake one, with that big payout.’
‘I want a fake one!’ I said.
Dad got furious again. ‘If you want a fake one, then you’ll have to go to heaven.’
‘I want to go to heaven!’
Mum butted in: ‘Stupid child. Don’t say things like that.’
I really did want to go to heaven, but to do that I had to die like big sister. Dying sounded painful. The least painful way would probably be starvation, I thought, to lie in bed all day, not eating a thing, your strength ebbing away until you died. So I said I felt bloated and went without a few meals. After a while, I started to feel weaker, so I held my breath for a test. It felt like the air had been sucked out of me and I was floating away, like I could float all the way to the ninth heaven. But I couldn’t hold my breath forever. I let it out — my body felt like it was weighed down with lead.
Trying to make myself die was too difficult, like trying to take off into the sky by pulling on my own hair. I needed some help, but I couldn’t get that at home, I had to go elsewhere. But going out needed strength. I needed to eat. Mum did me noodles and I gulped them down. I hated the way they were mixed with all sorts of things like meat and clams that bumped against the edge of the bowl and got in the way. Mum said I liked clams but I didn’t like them any more. I’d stopped liking anything on earth. I was already on my way to heaven.
I finished my dinner and was just about to go out when Dad came back. He didn’t like me going out to play. ‘Why do kids want to play outside for?’ he always said. He sat down for a smoke in the hall, right in my way. He looked as if he was going to be there forever. I watched his cigarette glowing in the gloom. I was burning up like the shreds of his tobacco. Why didn’t he have an appointment? Were people worried about the fire at the girl’s house? He finished his cigarette and my heart skipped a beat. But he got out another one, tapped it with his finger and lit up again. Would he ever finish? He smoked one cigarette after another. I started hoping he’d finish the whole pack, so he’d send me out to get some more. At least I’d get out of the house.
Finally he stood up and went into his room. In a flash, I was out of the door. I only wanted to get away. By the time he found me I’d be dead — he couldn’t beat me then.
Big sister drowned in the river, so that’s where I went. There was no one by the water apart from a goggle-eyed frog. It could see me with its big eyes, but it had no idea who I was or what I was doing. Stupid frog. I didn’t want it watching me anyway, I didn’t want it to see the excitement on my face. So I chased it away.
Now nothing could stop me. Nobody would know what I was doing until it was done. Success. What a thought. It really did seem like death was a success. When everyone said someone had succeeded, it was because they had a good job, or got a lot of money, or did well in their exams or made a lot of friends. For me, success was death. I wanted to be a spirit. To succeed like that, I really had to watch out. Some fairy might be hiding in the grass, spying on me. River crabs were scuttling around on the bank. There were the fish too, swimming back and forth like they were on patrol. But they were much too small to stop me. I trailed my foot in the water. It looked deep. I pulled up a reed and dipped it in to test. It was deep. I stopped. Then I told myself: ‘You won’t die unless it’s deep, stupid.’
I jumped down, like someone had pushed me, and then steadied myself among the weeds. Water seeped through my shoes. I squelched forwards, eddies swirling round my feet, until I was in the middle of the river with the current tugging me down. I thought about the world under water. I saw the mobile in my hand. I’d do all sorts of things with it. I’d get everything I wanted. I’d really spoil myself, the way no one had ever done before.
But something didn’t make sense. How could heaven be down below? It should be up above. I didn’t understand. But unless I figured it out, my plan wouldn’t work.
I clambered out of the river and rushed off to ask the priest. His house was a mess, as if he’d given up on life. He told me that after someone died, they had to spend a bit of time in the underworld before they went up to heaven.
‘You mean, under the water?’ I said.
‘Where the water is deepest, there’s a secret tunnel which leads directly to heaven. Just like when you dig down into the earth, you reach America,’ he explained.
Now I really didn’t get it. It wasn’t that I thought the priest was lying, I just couldn’t see who would come and take me up.
‘I want to go to heaven,’ I said.
‘To America?’
‘To where my big sister is.’ The priest burst out laughing. I carried on. ‘If I die will you make sure I get to heaven?’
He stopped laughing and looked straight at me. ‘No, I can’t,’ he said.
‘Why not?’
‘Because I’ll die before you.’
‘What if I die first?’
‘Impossible.’
‘But if I do?’
‘That’s not going to happen.’
Why didn’t he understand? I was going to tell him I wanted to die, but then I realised he’d tell my dad.
‘I’ll definitely die before you,’ he grumbled. An odd look came over his face. ‘Hey, are you going to heaven to find your big sister?’
I nodded.
‘And once you’ve found her, what will you do then?’
‘I want her mobile…’
‘And what if she doesn’t give it to you?’
‘I’ll get it off her.’ I said.
‘You little swine!’ he shouted. ‘You don’t love her, you just want to grab her phone off her. You’re as heartless as all men in this world. What’s so special about that phone?’
Suddenly I realised that the priest wanted the phone. That’s why he wanted to die before me, it was all a trick. He was rushing off to heaven to snatch the phone from her before me.
I had to get there first. I told him I was going home. Heaven was in the opposite direction, but I walked part of the way home so he wouldn’t know what I was up to. Then I turned off the road, went back down to the river and waded in. Then I stopped. Who was going to make sure I went up to heaven? I looked up at the cliffs. The highest stones went the deepest when they crashed into the water. If I jumped from the top, I’d go right down into the depths for sure, and that’s where the priest said the passage was which led straight to heaven. I should be able to find it under the water. I ran to the top of the hill and scrambled up the cliff. It towered high over the village and fell sheer to the river. It was dangerous, but with only one step I could take off and fly.
The hills billowed away into the distance like waves, until they merged with the cloudy sky. A few birds flew past, and were gone. Had they disappeared into heaven up there? But then how did heaven join up with the underworld. It didn’t make sense.
‘Hey! Get down off there! It’s dangerous!’
Someone was shouting at me.