John, the groom, the hero of our narrative, was a stout, dirty, vulgar, lump of a country bumpkin, about twenty years of age, with short docked hair, a ruddy complexion, and a
pair of fists as hard and ill-coloured as labour and the sunbeams could make them. In addition to this, his mental powers kept in exact unison, he could neither read nor write, nor even speak, except when repeating what he had often occasion to say to his horses, or his fellows of the manger. Yet, notwithstanding all this, such were the effects of his personal charms in the eyes of our heroine, such were the music and persuasive eloquence of his voice and conversation in her ears, that after a long struggle between virtue and desire the latter became the conqueror, and nothing short of enjoying the superior delights of his person could content her.
Whether she made her first advances in a shady grove, or whether on the sunny bank of a retired river, whether she allured him by progressive soft seduction, or whether urged by the impetuosity of uncontrolled passion, she vie et armis secured her object, is not certain. It is sure, however, that the shady grove and sunny bank have often been the theatres of her delights, and that the lovers and zephyrs have, in those selected places, smiled upon her transports.
The season for external recreation began now to decline, and winter, rough and rainy, set in to prevent the full enjoyment of her wishes. Her tender affection for the athletic groom knew, however, no abatement; and in order to support that she affected the most unremitting solicitude for her horse, the present of her still unsuspecting husband. She used frequently to contract the pleasures of her own table to have ocular proof that Silverfoot was not neglected. In short, her anxiety for that favourite animal at length became so remarkable as to make her the subject of raillery, and at length to surprise her family.
It happened one evening between tea and supper, after a stable visit, that she returned to the drawing room in some degree of disorder, and Mr. M- with surprise, perceived something like horse-dung stains and straws sticking to the covering of her posteriors and the back part of her dress. As this appearance was not less unaccountable than extraordinary, it produced for the first time extraordinary and unaccountable sensations — a thousand flashes of thought crossed the imagination of Mr. M — , and jealousy, for the first time, seized upon his tormented feelings. He had, however, discretion and temper enough to suppress his suspicions, and to resolve upon proving whether they were well or ill founded.
Agreeably to this resolution the next evening, when he saw by the uneasiness and agitation of our heroine, that she was preparing for a visit to the stable, he pretended indisposition, and, declaring that a short repose would render him service, retired, as if to rest upon a sofa in his study. Instead of which he stole to the stable, where concealing himself completely in the hay-loft, he remained snug until he heard his lady and the groom enter. Heaven and earth, and great and little stars! What were his emotions when he heard the former, in the strongest terms of love, excuse herself for being so long beyond her time, and the rustic brute of her regard upbraid her in terms of the lowest and most indecent language, for delaying his enjoyment. She soon soothed him, however, and his impatience superseded his choler. Without further ceremony he locked the door, and having spread a truss of straw on the pavement threw her thereon, and with rapidity, and in the full view of his enraged master began the operation pf disgrace.
The act in itself was sufficiently provoking, but it was all the time attended with peculiar circumstances of comparative mortification. It was- "Oh! Oh! Dearest John- what a difference (and then a long break) between you and your master.
Charming, John! I love you better than the whole world!" and a variety of other expressions, every one of which went like a barbed arrow into the heart of the listening and beholding husband.
Rage now getting the better of every consideration, Mr. M- called out, "Abandoned woman; have I caught you?" A violent shriek from the detected matron succeeded.
John, without finishing his business, started up, and running out of the stable effected his escape; and when the husband descended, he found his terrified inconstant wife extended in the very position of the act, and in a state of insensibility, from which it appeared impossible to arouse her.
However enraged at her degenerate infidelity, however astonished at a discovery which, in his judgment, exceeded every boundary of female infamy, yet a recollection of his children, and the many days and nights of joy which he had experienced in her society, prevented him from violence. He adjusted her habiliments, and having by great exertions brought her to her senses, would have even concealed her shame, but Johnny in his flight disclosed the whole secret, which, upon returning to the house, he found was well known to all the servants.
It was not the intention of Mr. M- ever more to cohabit with our heroine, but without divulging the cause to separate; in this, however, he was disappointed by John's flight and discovery, and now means to proceed in a legal way for a divorce.
Did David show us anything
When for his infant sorrowing?
To show his grief did not he sing?
What do we learn?
My friend, the mourning pious king,
Show'd his concern.
A SPECIAL PLEA IN ABATEMENT; OR A GENERAL ISSUE JOINED
In a Case of Impotency
In the last decade of the eighteenth century a libel was preferred in Doctor's Commons by the daughter of an Esculapian professor against her husband for the heinous matrimonial crime of impotency, which was quashed in that conscientious jurisdiction by an event, if not of the most fortunate, at least of the most critical nature. Without any
presentiment, or allusion, of, or to, what actually happened, the defendant pleaded THE GENERAL ISSUE and the eccleciastical Jurats decreed that the opinion of three surgical examiners, upon oath, should decide the question, which, though neither of astronomy nor astrology, demanded a peculiar knowledge of the "globes," and all the principles of celestial and terrestrial "motion," nocturnal as well as diurnal. Messrs. Hocus, Pocus, and Focus, three very learned adepts in cases of this sort, were accordingly appointed upon this occasion. The defendant was served with notice of time and place, and every previous circumstance arranged to make the business as easy to his feelings as the nature thereof would admit.
But notwithstanding all this judicial and medical delicacy, the unfortunate defendant found himself exceedingly agitated by apprehensions lest the examiners should not find matters altogether as perfect as their knowledge of female anatomy might judge necessary — besides, the well-known idea of shrinking through fear had a most disagreeable effect upon his recollection.
However, as the criterion was decreed by the profound wisdom of the Spiritual Court, he considered it inevitable, and therefore submitted to the consequences. Behold now, gentle reader, especially if thou be of the softer and more tender sex- behold this votary of Hymen stretched upon his back! Behold the three sage sons of Galen with spectacles mounted! Behold the fingers of the eldest already applied to the flexible portcullis which screened and guarded the TRIA JUNCTA of human perpetuity! Behold them, like three Jewish high priests or Mahometan muftis going to perform the ceremony of circumcision, and call to your recollection what indeed must have been the feelings of the unfortunate object of their investigation. But, to return — Just as the enquiry was commencing, with no very favourable symptoms for our hero, a loud rapping was heard at the door of the apartment; the operation ceased, and the door being opened, a female far advanced in pregnancy made her appearance, attended by a grave looking matron, and two