Dr. Bernard, who apprehended no ill consequence from his wife's religious zeal, was sent for next morning (very opportunely for our lovers) to a country patient. Scarce was he gone, but Agatha was seized with one of her quondam fits, and in the midst of her attendants called frequently for some holy relic — some holy relic of Thomas a Becket.The confident maid, who was intrusted with the whole affair, pressed someone to fetch some of that saint's relics from the next convent, and that Father Girard, famous for his sanctity, should bring it. They obeyed, told Father Girard of the accident, and he, like a holy and pious man, cheerfully hasted away with the utmost expedition.
Girard arrived, entered the room where the afflicted lady lay, and with a becoming gravity and well acted sanctimony approached the bed-side — Agatha prayed for help from Thomas a Becket. Girard promised his own assistance, and that of the saint also; but said it was necessary before the relic could have the desired effect, she should make her confession. This made everyone depart the room, and left our religious lovers to their private ejaculations.
The pious father had not long applied the sacred relic of Thomas a Becket, before Dr. Bernard unfortunately returning was heard coming upstairs. The ghostly father leaped from the bed, hurried on his gown, amp;c, but unhappily forgot his breeches, which lay as a useless garment at the bed's head. The confidant, at the stair's head, bawled out her thanks to heaven that her lady was recovered; Dr. Bernard entered the room, and began to frown to see a priest had found the way into his house, and began to suspect something from his wife's sudden illness. Agatha with a cheerful smile, and with religious thanks to heaven, told her husband of her dangerous fit, and her miraculous recovery by Thomas a Becket's relic. The good doctor, deceived by the sham innocence of Agatha, began to correct his jealous thoughts; and Father Girard, after some pious advice, and a few scriptural texts, wisely withdrew.
Father Girard had not gone far before he recovered from his fright, and, at his recovery, missed his breeches-This put him into another full as bad: What could he do? he dared not go back; but, on consideration, hoped for the best; that Agatha and the maid would convey them secretly away. In the meantime, the careful uxorious Monsieur Bernard was rejoicing at his wife's recovery, and saying a thousand things to her; in the midst of his fondling, he flung himself on the bed by her, and putting his hand back to take her in his arms ran his arms into the breeches. Surprised at the greasy trowsers, the known appurtenance of the priest, he fell into a worse fit than that his wife would have made him believe she had been in. He stormed, he swore, he raved. Amid this distraction, Agatha, with a ready wit, and an innocent face, the peculiar attributes of a woman, replied, without the least hesitation, that it was those breeches which had saved her life (if she had said their contents, she would have been nearer the mark): it is to them, says she, that I owe my cure.
O thou miraculous vestment of the divine Thomas a Becket, which has shed a pleasing influence on thy adorer, still may thou be the aid of weak woman! These, adds she, the holy father left with me to strengthen me and prevent the return of my fit; in the evening he is to come for them.
The readiness of this excuse, and the well feigned religion of his wife, either deluded honest Monsieur Bernard; or else, not knowing how to act, he seemed to believe her, and so it passed off. Agatha's confidant, in the evening, was sent to tell father Girard her mistress was entirely recovered, and therefore he should come to fetch away his sacred relics: she added to this commission, and acquainted her mistress's confessor of all that had passed. Father Girard knew not how to act, but, pressed by the necessity of the thing, he went to the warden of the convent, the person who presided over them, and was to punish their irregularity of manners, and acquainted him with the whole affair. The warden reproved him for his negligence; for, says he, fi non cafte, tamen caute; if not chastely, yet cautiously, is the maxim of our convent; however, some expedient must be found out to save the reputation of the order. After some pauses, he ordered the chapel bell to ring, and convened all the brothers of the convent.
When they were assembled, he told them of a miracle wrought by the power of Thomas a Becket's breeches, in the house of Dr. Bernard; acquainted them with the particulars, and advised to fetch them back to the convent in solemn procession. The whole convent immediately marched out in great order to Dr. Bernard's house. The doctor met them at his door, and desired to know the meaning of so solemn a visit. The warden, who was at the head of them, answered they were obliged, by the rules of their order, to send their relics to distressed people, who desired them, in a private manner, and to fetch them back in a private manner, if through the heinous sins of the person the relic had no effect; but where there was a manifest miracle, they went to bring them home again with solemnity, and to record the whole in the archives of the convent.
Dr. Bernard conducted the warden and Father Girard up to his wife's bed-chamber. The good lady held out the breeches wrapped up in a clean napkin, which the warden opened and kissed the sacred relic with a personal reverence; then going down, each brother passed by in their turns and paid it the same honours. After which being placed on a long pole, like a military standard, the fraternity returned in greater solemnity, singing an anthem, and followed by vast crowds of people. When they came to their convent, it was placed some days on their altar as an object of devotion; and Dr. Bernard, ostentatious of his wife's piety, told everybody the astonishing miracle wrought on his wife by St. Thomas a Becket's breeches.
THE THREE CHUMS: A TALE OF LONDON EVERYDAY LIFE
(Continued from page 134)
Harry took Alice, as Frank was Lena's cavalier, and the three couples came to a crisis in a chorus of amorous ejaculations, as the floodgates of love gave down copious streams of mingled spunk.
Presently, when the first bout was over, they sat down to supper, the gentlemen in their shirt sleeves, and the three young ladies, who had dispensed with their dresses, were in the most charming dishabille.
As soon as the game pie was demolished, each took a girl on his lap, alternately pledging each other, glass in hand, or groping and playing all sorts of larks with each other's p — ks and c — ts.
Charles was anxious to elicit from each fair one the story of her first seduction, but was met with the usual reticence in such cases, till presently Lena, standing up, said she could recite them some poetry, which exactly tallied with her first experience of the forbidden fruit.
"Bravo, Lena! Go on," they all exclaimed.
"Yes, but only on one condition, and that these three gentlemen shall have me all together, while you two girls give their bums a touch of the twigs. Do you agree?"
"Yes, yes. Bravo, Lena! Go on,"
"Well then, here goes, The Maiden's Dream. But I must recline upon the sofa, with nothing on but my chemise."
Then, suiting the action to the word, threw off her dressing gown, laid down in a luxurious position, with her eyes closed, feigning a tumultuously excited dream, one leg bent up, the other hanging over the sofa, her chemise turned up, exposing all the thighs and quim, one hand frigging gently, she lay squirming in ecstasy, as she recited:
One night, extended on my downy bed,
Melting in am'rous dreams, although a maid, My active thoughts presented to my view, A youth, undrest, whose charming face I knew.
Stript to his shirt, he sprang to me in white, Like a kind bridegroom on the nuptial night, And tho' his linen dress ghost-like appear'd, He look'd, alas! too harmless to be fear'd;
His wishful eyes express'd his eager love, And twinkl'd like the brightest stars above.