The Bullet Trick

'Welcome.' I paused, making eye contact with as many of the audience as I could.

'Gentlemen, there are mysteries beyond our control, wonders that even the greatest scientists are powerless to explain. Tonight I am going to look into the unknown and explore some of these strange and perplexing phenomena.' The crowd stayed silent, I stepped off the dais and approached a thin man sitting towards the front of the gathering.

'Sir, would you mind standing up for me please?' The man got to his feet. He was tall and lank, with receding hair and a good-natured drink-fuddled face.

'What’s your name, sir?'

'Andy.'

'Nice to meet you Andy.' I shook his hand, staring him in the eyes and slyly unfastening his watch. 'Let me ask you Andy, do you believe that there are powers we don’t understand?'

'I believe in the DPP.'

The crowd laughed and I smiled indulgently.

'I see that you’re a married man, Andy.'

He nodded unimpressed.

'How did I know that?'

He held up his left hand with its gold marriage band.

'Quite right, the powers of observation.' I smiled round the room, giving him his moment of reassurance, then raised my voice. 'But this evening I am going to reveal to you things that the powers of observation would be powerless to divulge.' I made my tone more conversational. 'Andy, I would imagine that in your profession well-developed powers of observation are essential?'

Andy nodded.

'That’s true.'

'A good memory for a face?'

He nodded again.

'I believe so.'

'Have we ever met before?'

He shook his head slowly, cautious as a man on a witness stand.

'Not to my knowledge, no.'

'You’ve never arrested me?'

'Not to my recollection.'

'So you would be surprised if I could guess your rank?'

He shrugged.

'Possibly.'

'Come a little closer would you please, Andy?' The man looked around at the audience smiling. I said, 'Don’t worry, the force is with you.' And he stepped forward an inch. 'May I place my hand on your shoulder?' He hesitated and I stage-whispered, 'No need to be coy.'

The audience laughed, the volunteered man gave a brief nod and I reached up, resting my hand gently on his right shoulder. 'I would say, Andy,' — ‘that you are’ — I paused again —

‘a sergeant.' I removed my hand and he nodded to the crowd, who gave me a brief scatter of applause. I bowed, keeping my expression restrained. 'I suppose that’s vaguely impressive.

But maybe I could guess that from your age and the fact that you look fairly intelligent. So let me go a little further.' There was an ooooh from the audience. The man stepped back, clowning a slight mince. The men at his table laughed and I shook my head in mock exasperation. 'Calm yourself, Sergeant. I’ve told you that you’re married, but as you’ve confirmed we’ve never met before so there’s no way I could tell you the name of your wife.'

A voice came from the audience. Not unless you saw it written on the wall of the gents.

Andy shouted, 'Oi, watch it.' Taking the joke in good part.

I held up my hand for order.

'I see a good-looking woman …’ The crowd ooohed obligingly again and I traced an S in the air, making it sexy like the cartoon outline of a woman’s body. 'Her name is… Sarah…

no not Sarah, something similar, Suzie… Suze… Susannah.' The man’s face was pleasingly bemused. He nodded and the crowd clapped. I held up my hand, silencing them. 'You have children… two lovely daughters… Hai… Hail… Hailey and Re-e-e-e-Rebecca.' Andy was smiling now, nodding his head to the room. Again the applause and again I held my hands up to stop them. 'You also have a dog?' This was dodgy, dogs die more often than the wife and kids, but the group photo I’d lifted from his wallet with the names of its subjects obligingly written on the back in neat pen looked pretty recent. Andy nodded. 'Your dog is called …’ I hesitated a beat beyond the audience’s expectation and the room grew still, half-hoping I’d make it, half-hoping I’d fail. 'Your dog is called, 'Peeler!'

'The small audience erupted into applause and I bowed, relieved to find policemen as gullible as the rest. 'How’re we doing for time, Sergeant?'

Andy looked at his wrist, and then looked at me.

'Has anyone got the time?' There was a confusion of murmurs as the men I’d selected each noticed their missing wristwatches. 'Ach, it’s fine, I’ve got it here.'

I pulled up my left cuff to reveal the half-dozen watches fastened round my wrist. As things go, they were a good audience. I fed them more facts from filched wallets, keeping the action brief and cheeky, then kicked into the finale.

'Now, I know you’re keen to see The Divines.' There was a stamping of feet and a jungle-drumming of hands against tables. 'Let me assure you they are most definitely divine. But first I’ve got another young lady I’d like you to meet. Welcome to the lovely, the delicious, the truly scrumptious Miss Candy Flossy.'

Candy slunk in doing her best impersonation of a vamp. She would have looked prettier if she’d smiled, but she was doing me a favour. I grabbed her by the hips, putting myself behind her bulk and doing a leer over her shoulder for the benefit of the audience.

'Candy’s agreed to help me out.'

There were a few wolf whistles and catcalls.

You can help me out anytime love.

You can touch my truncheon.

Feel my new extending baton.

Try on my handcuffs.

Play with my helmet.

And I thought that perhaps they weren’t such a pleasant audience after all.

There are many ways to cut a lady in half. If you have the resources you can fashion jazzy coffins fixed with bewilderments and employ a girl who can contort herself so well it’s a waste to put her in a box. But my brand of the effect relied on a not-so-innocent-looking buzz-saw of the type you might see in an old-fashioned sawmill. It was an appearance of mere penetration where others managed dismemberment. But the kind of audiences I entertained were amused by it.

I steeled a serious tone to my voice and said, 'My final trick is so dangerous that only a very few members of the magic circle are initiated into its secrets. Should my concentration be disturbed at any point during its execution,' Candy shuddered and I put my hand on her shoulder, 'this young lady might lose one of her lovely limbs,' I hooked the hem of Candy’s dress with my wand and slid it upwards. She smacked my hand away before I’d revealed more than her calves. I gave the wand an impatient slap. 'I’m sorry. My wand has a life of its own. But I’m sure you’ll agree, gentlemen, that any injury to these fine pins would be a tragedy.' There was a gallant rumble of agreement from the tables. 'Therefore I’m going to ask you for silence while we prepare to amaze you.'

They were men more used to giving directions than receiving them, but they quietened down a little, the drinkers at the bar lowering their voices as they gave their orders to the barman.

I dipped them a brief bow, then made a show of pulling the saw’s fake chain, at the same time surreptitiously pressing the button that started the sound effect. The noise was as deafening as a motorbike stripped of its silencer. I’d warned Candy, but she took a step back. A show of nervousness was good, but only if she didn’t bolt. I grasped her firmly her by the arm and hissed, 'Remember what I told you, it’s all show.'

The big girl’s breasts quivered, she glanced towards the bar and Bill gave her a nod.

She whispered. 'You promise it won’t hurt?'

'Do you really think I’m going to slice you in two in front of the filth? No, course not.