Snip!
Let's see you conquer the world now Father! That was a good one. I thought Walter was going to go off the edge of the table he was writing so fast. They asked me about Tiddly but I always brought them back to the funny bits about Bubble and the gardener. I started on him. I told them he had dead bodies in the boilerhouse but I don't know if they investigated him. Maybe they sent Fabian of the Yard around. I thought that was good too so I told them more about it, young people from the town were mysteriously disappearing in the town and that it was him he was cutting them up with his graip and stacking them behind the boiler. But I must have made a hames of that for they didn't want to hear any more about him all they wanted to do now was talk about Tiddly. O yes Father Sullivan is a very nice man, I says, its just a pity the Balubas put him in the pot. You liked the industrial school did you they said. Indeed I did, especially on Thursdays because we got two sausages each for dinner. You used to say Mass for Father Sullivan isn't that right it is indeed. You liked him? I certainly did. A very holy man, I said, he prays to St Teresa of the Roses. Very good then they'd say well that will do for today. Other days they took me off to other garages and stuck me in a big chair with this helmet on my head and wires coming out all over the place. I liked that. That was the best of the lot sitting in that chair. And all these starchy bastards of students with clipboards gawking at you I hope he doesn't leap up out of the chair and chop us up!
But I paid no heed to them I was too busy being Adam Eterno The Time Lord in that big chair. They could scribble all they liked I was away off through hyperspace. Hello there Egyptians I'd say pyramids and all. Adam can't come today so its me instead – Francie from the Terrace. Good man Francie they'd say with these wee hats and snakes on them. Or Romans. Leave that Christian alone, lion, I'd say. Oh thanks thanks Francie says the Christian. No problem, pal then off I'd go to see how the cowboys were getting on.
Where do they be taking you says the old fellow with the eyebrow up. You needn't think you're not seen. Then he looks down to the other end of the ward and the other fellows there nodding away. I told him to travel through the wastes of space and time like in Dan Dare thats where they're taking me and he looks at me. What? he says so I told him again and that didn't please him at all. He got a grip of me by the jumper and he says: I knew it. I knew you were a Cavan cunt from the minute I set eyes on you. You needn't think you'll come in here to make a cod out of me. Go on you cur! he shouts, I took better men then you!
The tree trunks had to haul him off me. I dusted myself down and complained to them. This is a disgrace, I said, a person can't walk around without being attacked.
Another day he comes over: So its a disgrace is it! Being attack-did is a disgrace.
Attack-did! Attack-did!
Well – I heard, he says. They're going to give you the treatment. There won't be so much lip out of you when they take you off and put the holes in your head. Know what they do then? They take your brains out. I know! I've been here long enough. I seen the last fellow. He used to stand at the window all day long eating bits of paper. Do you like paper? Well you better start getting to like it. He won't be so smart then he shouts down to Twighead at the bottom of the ward. He rubbed his hands with glee.
I had a good laugh at that. Taking your brains out, for fuck's sake. But that was before I woke up one day and there's Walter at the end of the bed talking away in whispers about me but I heard: Its best for him in the end! I knew it was no use saying anything to him. I ran out of the ward and went straight to the office. There was a meeting going on but I didn't care. I told them: You can't touch me! I said. You can't lay a finger on me! I want out of here!
I made a run for it but it was no use. Now Francis and another jab in the arse it must have been a big jab this time all I could say was mm mm as they carried me down the stairs.
We can do it now says the doctor and holds up the syringe to the light. Yes indeed says Walter and looks at me then I look down and what has he got in his hand only a drill you'd use to put up shelves.
Can you move your head a little please Francis?
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
There. That's better he said in a soft voice. Hand me the cotton wool please doctor.
Then there was a knock at the door and who pops his head in only Joe.
Is Francie here? C'mon Francie we're ridin' out. We've got to move fast!
A pony whinnied.
OK Joe I said and threw the white sheet off me.
That's what you think says Joe and I could hear the blondie one laughing outside the door.
Joe, I called, Joe!
So you're the Time Lord says the Roman, prepare to die and I swung away up hanging by the heel.
Joe I called again but the room was empty.
I could hear the hush of the sea.
I looked down and saw Mrs Connolly. She watched me swinging to and fro smiling away with her arms folded. Come on down out of that she says so down I got. The other women looked at me from the bottom of the shop. How are you today Francie Mrs Connolly said.
I'm fine I said.
Mrs Connolly folded her arms. Ah, she said and the women smiled.
I'll bet you didn't know Francie – I'll bet you didn't know I had something for you.
No Mrs Connolly I didn't I said.
Aha but I have! she says. What do you think of that!
It's good Mrs Connolly I said.
Ah isn't he lovely she said again.
Are you going to sing a little song for me? Is he going to sing a little song for us ladies?
They said: Are you Francis?
A little song and the special prize is all yours! says Mrs Connolly.
She was hiding it behind her back.
Well – what are you going to sing? Will you sing my favourite for me? You know how much I like that one. Mm?
Yes Mrs Connolly I said.
I was just standing there with my knees together and my head down all shy. I was like something you'd see on a snakes and ladders board.
Horray!, said Mrs Connolly. Quiet now ladies! Away you go Francis!
I did a few Irish dancing steps that the nuns taught us hopperty skip round the shop and singing:
I am a little Baby Pig I'll have you all to know
With the pinkest little floppy ears and a tail that curls up so
I like to trot around the town and have myself some fun
And I'll be a little porky pig till my trotting days are done!
When I was finished I was all hot and out of breath thank you thank you says Mrs Connolly and the women clapping away: He's better than the London Palladium!