Then Mrs Connolly put up her hand. Ssh, she says and out of nowhere a fat red polished apple.
Oh! the women gasped.
It just sat in the middle of Mrs Connolly's palm.
What-do-you-think-of-that! she says with her eyes twinkling.
Its lovely, I said.
Would you like to have a bite of it? she said.
Yes Mrs Connolly I said, I sure would and nodding away I could taste it in my mouth already.
What do you say ladies? Will I give him a bite of it?
Then the women started mm mm well and all this and had a big discussion.
Yes, they said then – if he picks it up like a pig!
Mrs Connolly rubbed it on her sleeve and said: Well Francis – will you pick it up like a pig?
I said I would and she went down on one knee and rolled it slowly along the rubber mat. I tried to grip it with my teeth but down on all fours like that it was too hard to get at it. You'd think you had it then down it'd go again and every time it did the women cheered. Oh! they said, he's dropped it again. Then they clapped and cheered and said: Come on Francie you can do it! But I couldn't do it. It was too hard. Can I use one hand? I said. One trotter you mean, they said. Uh-uh, sorry. That's against the rules. I don't know how many times I dropped it. Ten or eleven maybe. In the end Mrs Connolly took pity on me and handed me the apple.
Ah you poor little pig, she says, God love you. Can you not even pick up an apple?
Don't worry Francie!, the women said, its all yours now! Go on – eat it!
I didn't want to eat it while they were looking at me but I had to. They kept saying: And another bite now!
They did that until I was down to the core. Then Mrs Connolly went over to the window and looked out. Here they come! she said and they all started talking together again about the weather and how hard it was to manage with the price of everything. I didn't know who it was they were waiting for I just stood there watching the flesh of the apple browning in my hand. Then I looked up and saw who it was Ma and Da Pig standing there. The women went quiet when they came in and Mrs Connolly smiled over at ma. Then she coughed and dabbed her nose with a tissue. She leaned over to the woman beside her and whispered: We should see the father and mother of a row between these two in a minute!
They waited there looking them up and down. They were saying: Come on! Say something we want to see a row!
But there was no row. Ma and Da Pig didn't say anything just stood there roast red, afraid to speak or look anyone in the eye. Oh please! Let there be a row! Mrs Connolly was thinking. She squeezed the tissue up in her hand.
We've waited here all this time for nothing – there isn't going to be a row after all!
And there wasn't. The row didn't start until we got outside. Ma Pig was near to tears.
Why didn't you do something? Why didn't you say something? she cried.
Me? Da Pig snapped, why is it always me? He went hoarse arguing and he went from red to pure white. Then the two of them turned on me.
Why did you take the apple you stupid little pig? they said. I stuttered and stammered. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know why I had taken the stupid apple. The whole town was out to watch us going up Church Hill. Hello there Pigs, called Doctor Roche, that's not a bad day!
He locked his car and went into the hotel saying: They're a grand family those pigs!
There were so many people waving and calling to us that we were exhausted by the time we got to the Tower. There was nobody in the bar only us. There was a smell of old porter and a whiff coming from the men's toilets, it was a bar of dead years. The barman knew it was us without even looking up he rubbed his hands with a cloth and said well pigs what can I get you?
Da Pig told him and he poured the drinks. He said it was a cold enough day. Da Pig said it was and nobody said anything more after that. There was a picture of a whiskery sealion balancing a bottle of stout on its nose I looked at that for a long time. Ma just sat there with her chin in on her chest afraid to look up. Every time Da Pig raised his little finger the barman filled up his glass. It was dark outside when he came back from the toilet. He clattered against the stool and the barman said: You'd be as well to get him home.
Yes, said ma, and the barman kept his eyes on us until we got up and took him out. Ma said try your best son then she put one of his arms around her shoulders and I took the other then off we went with his legs trailing and the two wee piggy eyes set away back in a ball of pink skin, and them all standing at their doors with their arms folded look there they go that's them crossing the Diamond. Hey! Hey! Hullo! Pigs! Pigs! Yoo-hoo!
Ah look aren't they great, the Mammy Pig, the Daddy Pig and Baby Pig, three little piggies huffing and puffing all the way home!
Will you forgive me I was going to say yes da but I was away off swinging by the heel again and the Roman soldier with the sword who was it only Leddy he flicked away the butt of his cigarette and said something to me but I couldn't make out what it was then he just raised the sword and brought it down and cut me in two halves.
One half could see the other but they were both just dangling there on the meat rack.
Then who comes out of the shadows only Joe but he didn't see me just walked on out through the doorway of the slaughterhouse into the light.
When I woke there's Walter you're going to be all right Francie he says and the nurse holds out more tablets. Doc, I said, that bastard down there says you're going to put holes in my head. Your man must have heard me for I seen him away out the door like a light. There was no more Time Lord or any of that stuff after they gave me tablets. An odd time they'd take me down to the room and hand me bits of paper all blotted with ink. What do you think about that says the doc. You won't be writing any more messages on that paper I says. Why not says the doc lifting the specs. Its destroyed I says, look at it. Hmm hmm. In the school for docs that's what they taught them. Lift your specs and repeat after me – hmm hmm!
For a while I was all jiggy, stuffed up inside with hedgehog needles but the tablets must have done the trick for one day when I seen your man outside in the grounds I went after him. Hey, I shouts, cunthooks! He let on he didn't hear me and starts walking real fast in behind the kitchens. But I went round the far side and what a land he got when he seen me in front of him. I'll give you fucking holes in the head now you bastard! I said. I was only taking a hand at him I wouldn't have done anything but what does he start then only all this stuff about Cavan people. There's not one of them he says wouldn't give you the last halfpenny out of their pocket. The best men ever walked in this hospital he says are the Cavan men! Then he looks up at me with these big eyes, you're not going to batter me are you? But I wasn't. I wasn't going to do anything I was off to make baskets and paint pictures for that was what they had me at now. Only what I made, I don't know whether you'd call them baskets or not. That's a good basket says this fellow beside me not a screed of hair on his head. Then out of nowhere he starts on about women. What do they do he says they take you down a long garden path and away in behind a tree. Then they say do you remember the day you rang me on the telephone and I laughed and you laughed and then ma laughed and we were all laughing. That was a good day! That's women for you!
It is, I says. Some basket it was he was making, I thought mine was bad. All bits of sticks stuck out of it all over the place. When we went to Mass what does he do when the priest is holding up the Eucharist. He stands up and shouts at the top of his voice – Good man yourself! Now you have it – run! Into the back of the net with her! By Christ this year's team is the best yet!