I must be going soft in the head I thought, worrying about goldfish. When I walked into that old school in Bundoran to see Francie, what was he going to say? Oh hello Francie – I hope you brought the goldfish!
He was. He was in his eyeball! Me and Joe had better things to do with our time than worry about goldfish.
Goldfish! we said, fuck off!
I went up to the convent school and took a bike from the shed the girls always left them behind. I lit a fag and hopped up on the saddle. I says to myself: So the John Wayne stuff is over is it? We'll soon see about that! Indeed we will! Puff puff and the fag goes flying over the ditch. Freewheel freewheel tick tick tick and away off down Church Hill. Take 'em to Missouri, men! Ting-a-ling-a-ling! Ting-a-ling-a-ling!
Off into the wind puffing fags and whistling away – My old man's a dustman he wears a dustman's hat! Hello there dandelions, fuck off! Chop go the heads with a cut of the stick excuse me just what do you think you're doing clip clip chop chop aaargh! what the fuck is going on where's our heads? Hee-yup!, I said and away again. An old woman emptying tea leaves into a drain hello there young fellow did you hear any more news she says. Any more news I says more news about what? Ach!, she says and scratches her backside, the communists ah says I what would I know about communists h'ho you won't be saying that when Mr Baldy Khruschev presses the button. And he's going to press it. Make no mistake!
She closed one eye. You think he won't?
She started laughing away to herself oho yes but I'm afraid its too late them that hasn't their peace made its no use them running whinging now. I told them that below in the shop get out the beads now says I for this time next week it'll be too late. We're not afraid of Khruschev they says. But be Christ they're afraid now! Its no joke now me son! she says. Come on in and we'll say the rosary and then you'll have a mug of tea before you set off on your travels!
Right missus I said and down we went on our knees. Thou O Lord wilt open my lips she says please dear Jesus save us from all harm don't let the world come to an end. She had her eyes closed she passed no remarks on me all I said was mm mm and icky backy wacky talk like what I used to do for Tiddly. In the name of the father and of the son and of the Holy Ghost Amen she says and says you're a very holy boy son now sit up there till I stick on this kettle right ma'am says I. This is a grand house I says to myself. Black kettle on the hob and a settle bed in the corner and looking out from under it Mr Chinese Eyes the cat glaring what are you doing here who the hell asked you in fuck off from about here this is my house! Here you are now she says man dear I said that's the best cut of bread ever and sank my teeth into it, gurgle more tea into the cup. Come on now she says there's more where that came from and maybe something a wee bit stronger when you've finished that if you're able for it. Then off she goes chuckling under the stairs and comes back with a bottle in a brown paper bag. You'll have a drop she says the cat was in a bad way when he heard that. When we had that drank we took more. Where are you off to she says Bundoran says I. Bundoran, she says, where the fleas ate the missioner!
Have another drop me son, its not the first time a sup of John Jameson passed your lips.
Then she throws open the window and shouts out: Go on Khruschev you baldy fucker! JFK is the man for you!
She told me she had six daughters and a son called Packy in England. He did well says I, he has a big job, hasn't he? He has, she says, oh our Packy did well for himself but how did you know that? Ten men under him says I and off she went looking for more whiskey all delighted and banging into things. I'm off to see Joe Purcell says I, Joe Purcell she says and who would he be. You can't beat a good friend she says, that was the first day I met him the day at the ice says I. You're the lucky man she says, there's not many of us in this world has friends the like of that. I know says I. Well there you are so you're off to see him now well more luck to you I wish I had a friend the like of that instead of that humpy get there standing at the door. What? says I and when I looked round who was standing there only this farmer in turned-down Wellingtons pulling at his cap well he says that's that they've said no by this time next week there won't be a bullock left standing in that field we've had it every man woman child and beast in this townland!
It was just as well he turned up for when I looked out it was starting to get dark be the fuck says I its time I was off. The farmer looks at me and her with his mouth open. Good luck now ma'am says I all you could hear was indeed I did have aglasheen of whiskey and neither you nor Baldy Khruschev nor anyone else'll stop me!
I nearly ran into the ditch three or four times look out says I but there wasn't a sinner to be seen Khrushchev hasn't much work to do about this place its done already I said next thing down the hill whee and off out into the open country again cows looking over ditches, where are you off to Francie mind your own business you nosey heifer bastards, watch out dandelions here I come! I couldn't stop laughing with all the whiskey inside me and the wind in my face and the pebbles skitting on all sides end of the world I says what are they talking about this is the beginning of the world, not the end.
Am I right Joe?
Yup! Francie boy says Joe.
Khruschev hadn't much work to do in Bundoran either all you could see was two bits of newspaper wrestling in the middle of the main street, one boat in the harbour and nothing in the carnival park only a caravan with no wheels and a skinny mongrel tied to a fence. The houses were grey and blue and wet and in a sulk for the winter. Boo hoo nobody comes to stay in us any more. I wondered where it was they said the rosary. I dropped a spit into a rock pool, spidery tentacles and all these coral colours shifting in there. Are you prepared to live on potatoes and salt for the rest of your days, Annie? Is that the best you can offer a girl Benny Brady?
They were lying there on the candlewick bedspread and they could hear people drifting home from the dancehall until it got bright. Outside the window the sea ssh ssh was all you could hear. I knew what the boarding house was called. Over the Waves. I didn't know where it was but did that matter? Ting-a-ling! It wouldn't take old Mr Snort long to find a boarding house, no sir. Excuse me sir I need your assistance with a small matter. Yes my dear fellow how can I help you?
Algernon Carruthers. Tick tick tick whee along the beach shingle clattering against the spokes. Frawnthith my boy I do believe its time we ate.
I went into the hotel and sat down all plink plonk xylophone sounds and cutlery rattling far away. Well says the girl what would you like everything I says. What do you mean everything I says rashers eggs sausages beans and tea all that. She scribbles in the notebook. You're a hungry customer she says. I am, I said, sticking the napkin into my collar, I could eat a live hen.
There was a businessman with a bald head and glasses sitting down the other end. He looked like Humpty Dumpty's brother. I thought maybe he was in town leading the investigation. I know who did it! I seen them pushing your brother! I'd tell him. But he was leading no investigation. He was just reading the Irish Times. I could see what was on the front of it from where I was sitting. Crisis in Cuba – New Fears. New Fears? That was a laugh. I never felt better. If they said to me: Go on out and shoot all the communists for us Francie! I would have said: Sure bud. I says to Humpty: I'm the man to do it! I'll knock a bit of sense into them. Oho yes! Make no mistake about that! He lifted his glasses and looked down at me. I think I must have looked a bit of a sketch with the stew and all on my good jacket and the smell of brock I don't know if he could get that or not. But I could get it myself so I'd say he could. But what did I care? Brock? What has that got to do with it now? Fuck Brock!