“Thanks.” He hugged the older woman back before turning to Emma. “Let’s go.” He walked her to a room at the opposite end of the hall from the one she had shared with Cain, but only a few doors down from his own. “Call if you need anything.”
“Thanks again for doing this, Hayden. I know we have a long way to go before we ever become friends, but I’m grateful for you trying.”
“You can thank Mom when she wakes up. She’s the one who told me I should give you a chance.”
“Is that the only reason you’re doing this?”
He shook his head as if to emphasize his answer. “Yes and no is the best answer, I guess. I want to talk to you some more and find out why you did some of the stuff you did, but Mom made me want to do it.”
“That’s the best thing I could have hoped for. Could I ask for one huge favor before you go to bed?”
“What?”
“Could you hug me?”
The last time they had shared any physical contact Emma had been the taller of the two, but now he had become the comforter just by his size. He held her close as memories flooded his brain of all the times they had done this before. The longing of a child for his mother replaced the anger, and he felt warm inside for the brief moment he allowed himself to enjoy holding her close. It was nice to have someone other than Cain make him feel that way.
“Thank you.”
“Yeah, sure. Have a great night.” He turned abruptly and walked to his room without looking back. What Cain had tried to explain to him about safe havens made sense to him now, and he felt guilty for enjoying this newfound warmth, though the rational part of his brain told him Cain wouldn’t mind if he ventured in that direction when he needed to.
The house gradually grew quiet, and Emma lay between the soft cotton sheets staring at the shadows the outside lights cast on the ceiling. Sleeping alone in this house now felt strange. Even on the nights Cain had worked late or was away on business, she had never felt alone.
The last four years she’d spent on her father’s farm had been unbearable when the sun went down. Most nights she would sit up and read to Hannah, even after the little girl went to sleep, so she wouldn’t have to face the empty portion of the bed, which taunted her for her stupid mistakes.
Twelve Years Earlier in the Casey Bedroom
Branches barren of any leaves cast almost scary images on the bedroom window. Emma was close to putting the covers over her face so she wouldn’t have to look at them anymore. She couldn’t explain her tears, but suddenly she was sobbing uncontrollably.
The bed dipped a little when someone sat down, and she was embarrassed to turn around and face who she was sure was Carmen.
“What’s the matter, sweetling?”
In an instant she turned around and buried her face in Cain’s chest.
“I was missing you.”
With the hiccups and the tears, Cain almost didn’t understand her.
“What are you doing home? I thought you were in Chicago until tomorrow.”
“I wrapped up early because I missed you too.” Cain ran her fingers through her wife’s pale blond locks, and slowly Emma stopped crying. The repetitive motion calmed Cain as well as Emma. It still amazed her how quickly her lover had gotten by all her defenses and tattooed herself on her heart. “Why all the tears? Are you homesick?”
“No, I miss my father, but I was just feeling alone.” A few of the buttons on Cain’s shirt popped open, due to Emma’s wandering fingers.
“And this lonely feeling, it makes you want to take people’s clothes off?”
“I wouldn’t exactly classify it as people, honey. I just like the feel of you. It reminds me there’s somewhere in the world I belong.”
The touches Cain returned weren’t about passion, but enjoying what her partner referred to. Emma didn’t possess her physical strength, but from the time they had met she had provided the kind of strength she did need. Emma gave her a place to come when the world overwhelmed her, and someone to share her victories with.
“I love you, Emma, and I hope you always feel that way. Your place is with me because I belong to you.”
Emma thought of that night often—lying with Cain, just holding her until the bad feelings went away. She had never feared shadows or lonely nights after then because Cain had instilled such a permanent sense of belonging in her.
That she had so readily thrown away her sense of belonging for reasons even she couldn’t explain anymore haunted her now. In the warehouse, being in Cain’s arms had reminded her of what she had given up, but that was over. She needed to convince her heart she had no chance of standing at Cain’s side again. She didn’t think Cain would keep her from trying to develop a relationship with their son, but that was where their connection would end.
To admit her loss was hard enough; to accept it would be impossible, she feared. She rolled over, closed her eyes, and tried to clear her mind so sleep would come. That was when she heard it, the whimper from next door that could only be defined as fear.
As she entered Hayden’s room, the thought of not being welcomed never crossed her mind. He was curled up into a ball like he was in pain, and he was crying. She held him tighter when he didn’t push her away, and the little glimmer of hope Ross had lit in her heart before he put her on the plane flared just a bit.
“It’s okay, Hayden. I’m here.”
“I’m so scared.”
“It’s okay to feel that way.” Running her hand over Hayden’s thick hair brought back memories of the few times she had gotten to hold Cain this way.
“She promised she’d come back, and she didn’t. I don’t want to be alone.”
As she tried to pull him closer, Hayden put up the first sign of resistance by rolling away from her. “You aren’t alone, Hayden. You have me, and there’s someone else.” She had wanted to wait and tell him about Hannah with Cain, but she figured it would take his mind off Cain’s condition.
“There isn’t anyone else, and you already left me. Because Mom’s hurt, I’m not just supposed to go with you. You didn’t want us, remember?” Hayden sat up and pulled away from his mother. Without meaning to, she had distracted him from his worry about Cain by replacing it with his anger toward her.
“You have a sister, Hayden, who loves you very much.”
The words had barely left her mouth when Hayden jumped up and twirled around to face her with clenched fists. “No!” he roared, loud enough to wake most of the house, and she heard the running footsteps headed for his room. “You’ll say anything, won’t you? I don’t have any sister.”
She spoke fast. “I’m not lying. Her name is Hannah, and she’s going to be four in a couple of weeks. When I left I had just found out I was pregnant. I planned to keep that baby safe.”
“How, by sacrificing me?”
“No, by coming back for you.”
“I wish Mom had just ordered me to stay away from you. You not only left me, you love some other kid better? When Mom finds out—”
The door opened, and Merrick and Mook slammed in without an invitation.
“Go back to bed, this is between me and her.” Hayden pointed to Emma, expecting to be obeyed.
“What’s all the yelling about?” asked Merrick.
“I said this is private. Leave.” Hayden never took his eyes off her as he shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans. When they had gotten back from the hospital he had just collapsed on the bed, not feeling like undressing. “When Mom finds out, you won’t be able to find a pit deep enough to hide in,” he said, once the door clicked closed.
“Cain already knows about Hannah. I told her tonight, but she already knew.”
“Liar. She would’ve told me. She tells me everything.”
Emma stood and moved closer to him. She wanted to comfort him, but if she had to let him verbally attack her, so be it. “I don’t know why she didn’t tell you, Hayden. Maybe she was waiting for all this to be over.”