WHAT THIS WEEKEND IS: Still bow season. I sit in my tree stand. I sit and listen and watch. It is raining. The drops of rain are good, masking any noise the turn of my head may make, the creak of a neck joint, a sigh I may exhale.
WHAT I DO: Go to my doctor’s appointment.
WHAT THE DOCTOR, MY DOCTOR, WORE WHEN I WENT FOR MY EXAM: A pink ribbon brooch. Anti-AIDS, anti-breast cancer sentiments pinned to his white coat lapel. And I wanted to ask where the pin was he might have had for anti-coma, and what would that look like, because I wanted to tell him about my son on floor 9, whom I had just come from visiting, still with his eyes closed.
WHAT THE DOCTOR OFFERED ME AFTER MY BLOOD WAS DRAWN: Orange juice.
WHAT I TALKED TO THE DOCTOR ABOUT AFTER MY BLOOD WAS DRAWN: A parallel universe, one that was created at the same time ours was. I had read this.
WHAT HE SAID: Yes, yes, that’s all very interesting. Now, about your levels.
WHAT I AM: An anomaly. A man my age with such high levels unheard-of. It’s only in older men, the doctor has told me, that we have seen these kinds of numbers. The doctor is a little giddy with the news he reads on the chart, and maybe he wouldn’t let his giddiness show if he were talking to someone who was not also a doctor, but being a doctor myself, he can let me join in on the wonderment of it all, the beauty in the numbers.
CALL: The alpaca that spit in my eye is dead.
ACTION: Drove to farm. The owner wanted to know what had done it. There’s no blood, the owner said, and there wasn’t, only the barn floor strewn with the neat balls of alpaca dung. He looks like he’s sleeping, that’s all, the owner said and he bent down next to the alpaca, putting his knees into the balls of dung, and stroked his belly. I looked around the barn and then I stepped outside and into the paddock where the alpaca used to stand and look out across the field. The field was wet from a storm in the middle of the night before. The storm came back to me and how the rain started to pour right after a deafening clap of thunder as if the rain had been kept inside a huge metal bin that spanned the sky and was suddenly released with the pull of a handle. He died from fear, I said to the owner. Your alpaca died when the thunder clapped.
WHAT THE OWNER SAID: Yes, it was loud here. I could see the lightning strikes start in the middle of the sky and then reach all the way down to the ground. We lost some trees and the phone even, he said. My heart raced, too, he said, and he stood and put his hands on his hips and shook his head while he looked at the alpaca. Then the man looked at me. Wait right here, he said. He went outside the barn. He looked left and then right. He is about to tell me something secret, I thought. Something no one else should know. He is about to tell me the name of the man who shot my son. I tried not to look too anxious. I looked at the dead alpaca, its cleft hooves filled with dirt and a bit of straw. I wrote down the name and number of a man I knew who could dig a hole for the alpaca on the property with his backhoe. The owner came back into the barn.
RESULT: The man looked around his barn. He spoke in a whisper. Maybe someday I’ll get another one. I’m whispering so the wife doesn’t hear. You see, they’re no trouble to keep. Have you seen their manure? It has no smell. It’s easy to clean. They do it all in the barn, not inconsiderate like a horse or a cow, going wherever and whenever it pleases in a field. No wonder he died of fear. He was gentle. He will go to alpaca heaven, the owner said, and I tried to picture what alpaca heaven would look like but all I pictured was the same barn I was standing in and the owner petting the dead alpaca’s side.
THOUGHTS ON DRIVE HOME: If I could time-travel in only one direction, would I go forward or backward?
WHAT THE WIFE COOKS FOR DINNER: Turkey soup with rice. I wanted noodles, but we had none. I helped her with the dinner. I pulled out the bag of basmati rice from the pantry. I washed the rice well. There were no Indian stones or bugs I wanted to find in a mouthful of soup.
WHAT THE WIFE SAID: Your levels will love this soup.
WHAT SARAH SAID WHILE WE ATE THE SOUP: Sam would hate this soup.
WHAT THE WIFE SAID: He would not! Then she stood and dumped her soup into the kitchen sink and let the water run over it and watched it for a very long time.
CALL: A woman who needs a prepurchase exam on a Dales Pony.
ACTION: Drove to farm. X-rayed pony, checked his legs, did a spavin test, and, bending his leg at the knee, held knee bent for a while, looking to see how much it could flex.
RESULT: Dales Pony was in fine shape. Owner was thankful, asked, before I left, if I wanted to see her Mammoth Mules. Mammoth Mules? I asked. She led me to her back field. There they were, all sixty-five of them. The tallest maybe fifteen hands high. The last of their breed, she told me, and if it were not for her farm they would be extinct. I touched their huge, mammoth ears. Your mules are the horse for me, I said to her. They were so cute. I wanted to take one home.
WHAT I TALKED TO SAM ABOUT IN THE HOSPITAL: How, when he was better, we could build a chicken coop big enough to keep a Mammoth Mule. He would protect the chickens from the coyotes, from the fisher-cats. We could come to visit the Mammoth Mule throughout the day, feeling up along the backs of his mammoth ears, the soft hairs.
WHAT THE HOSPITAL SAID: Visiting hours are over.
WHAT THE NIGHT NURSE SAID: No, not you, you can stay. You’re family.
WHAT I WISHED: That I wasn’t. That I was one of the ones who could leave. That I was just a friend, an acquaintance, anyone else but the father, and that in the bed it was anyone else but my son with the tubes in his nose and the legs that were beginning to look thinner every day so that who would know they weren’t arms except for the fact that they were at the foot of the bed?
WHAT THE WIFE COOKED FOR DINNER: Ham steak with mashed yams and green beans.
WHAT SARAH SAID: We are eating pig for dinner.
WHAT MIA SAID: Pig is good.
WHAT WE ALL DID: Agreed how cute pigs were and how good the ham steak was, and then I told the girls how I had read that pigs were one of the few animals that used mirrors the same way we did, and that pigs could look into a mirror and see their food behind them and turn and find the food. And then I thought how I would tell Sam this when I saw him next, and that I hoped I remembered to tell him since he had always talked about having a pig for a pet.
WHAT WE DID AFTER DINNER: Sat by the fire and took turns reading Jane Eyre out loud.
WHAT THE RABBIT DID: Wore her diaper and hopped around and on top of the girls as they lay flat on their backs on the carpet.
WHAT JANE EYRE HAD: A really sad life.
WHAT MIA SAID: She should have had a bunny, then she would not have been so sad.
WHAT WE ALL AGREED: That Jane Eyre, that anybody, would be better off if they had a bunny, especially one who wore diapers.
WHAT SARAH ASKED: Can’t we bring the bunny to see Sam?
WHAT THE WIFE DID: Shook her head, but it was so slight, it looked as if it was just her eyes that moved from side to side.
CALL: No call.
ACTION: Went deer hunting instead while the wife and children went to visit Sam. Thought maybe I would see the hunter who shot my son. Maybe that hunter always hunted the same spot of land. I was that hunter’s hunter. I had images of shooting him in the shoulder when I found out who he was, just so he would know how it felt. I gritted my teeth in anger while I stood in the stand, and at first I didn’t even know I was doing it. I thought it was a squirrel chattering and making grinding noises next to me, warning me to stay away from his tree and his nuts.