It was such a sad time. I was so desperately sorry for Carleton. He walked about like a man in a bewildered dream. Lucas said it was impossible to discuss anything. He could only talk about Theresa.
Lucas himself was deeply affected.
“This is the worst thing that could have happened to Carleton,” he said.
“I’ve been a selfish brute moaning about my own troubles … telling myself he was the lucky one everything fell to him and so on … and now there he is … there’s no comforting him.”
I was dreading the funeral. People came to the church from all over the neighbourhood. This was genuine mourning. Theresa had been loved and respected by so many.
Nanny Crockett kept the children in the nursery. I wondered what they were thinking as I listened to the dismal tolling of the bell. I thought of Simon who, years before, had heard a similar bell. To him it had meant the sound of doom, the loss of Angel and the plummeting into the unknown.
When everybody had left and the house was quiet, I went up to the nursery. Nanny Crockett was dressed in deep black. She shook her head sadly.
“They keep asking questions,” she said.
“What do you tell such little ones? They don’t understand.
“She’s gone to Heaven,” I say.
“When will she be back?” they ask.
“Well,” I say, “when people go to Heaven they stay a little while.”
Jennifer said, “It would be bad manners to go away too soon, wouldn’t it?” I nearly broke down. Then she said, “She’s having tea with God, I think, and the angels will be there.” It breaks your heart. “
The children had heard us and came running out.
They stood still, looking at me, their faces solemn. They sensed that something terrible was happening and everyone was very sad about it.
Jennifer looked at me and her face suddenly crumpled.
“I want my mummy,” she said.
I held out my arms and she ran to me. Henry followed her. I held them tightly.
That decided me. I could not leave immediately. I must stay for a while.
I was glad I stayed. I felt I was doing something useful and that I brought a modicum of comfort to that stricken household.
I spent a great deal of time in the nursery with the children at that hour when it had been their mother’s custom to be with them; and between us Nanny Crockett and I managed to get them over the first tragic days of heartbreak. They were too young to understand fully what had happened and we smoothed away some of that uneasiness which they would inevitably feel; there were times when they would be absorbed in something and forget; but sometimes one of them would wake in the night and cry for Mummy. The other would wake and share the terrible loss. But usually either Nanny Crockett or I was there to offer comfort.
Carleton continued to be dazed. The blow was all the sharper for being unexpected. Fortunately there was a good deal of work to be done on the estate; that kept him busy and he was met with sympathy and understanding wherever he went. I knew he would never be the same again. He was particularly shattered because life had followed an even stream of contentment and he had expected it to go on doing so. I knew at times he found it hard to believe that this had really happened to him and he seemed unable to grasp that Theresa was no longer there and never would be again.
Lucas had grown philosophical. He did not expect life to flow peacefully. Tragedy had already struck him and he was not surprised that it had come again. Perhaps that was why he was able to face it more realistically.
He said to me: “You have done a great deal for us. It was fortunate for us that you were here when it happened.”
“I wish I could do more,” I told him.
“You and Nanny Crockett have been wonderful with the children. As for Carleton … only time will help him.”
We took short rides together and the days began to pass.
The Governess
I could not stay at Trecorn Manor indefinitely and I was not by any means looking forward to returning to London. I had come to Trecorn Manor with the hope of discovering something which would help me unravel the mystery; now I was seeing how ridiculously optimistic I had been.
Theresa’s death had temporarily forced that other tragedy into the background of my mind, but my obsession was returning. I sometimes felt that if I could get into Perrivale Court, really become acquainted with some of the main actors in the drama, I might make some progress. I had been foolish to hope that just because I was staying near the house I might accomplish this. I felt inadequate and alone. There were times when I was on the verge of taking Lucas into my confidence. He was clever, subtle. He might have ideas. On the other hand, he could dismiss my belief in Simon as romantic folly. In his realist way he would say, “The man was found with the gun in his hand and he ran away and would not face investigation. That speaks for itself. Simply because he happened to show a certain resourcefulness and helped save our lives does not make him innocent.”
No, I could not entirely trust Lucas, but how I longed to confide in someone . someone who would work with me, join in the search . someone who believed in Simon’s innocence.
There was no help for it. I should have to go home. I had already stayed on two weeks after Felicity had left with James; and in the first place I had only intended to stay one.
When I thought of returning to Bloomsbury and the domination of Aunt Maud I was distinctly depressed. I could not face that. Moreover, I had to consider my future. My fantastic adventure had put a bridge between my childhood and my adult life.
I felt lost and lonely. If only, I kept saying to myself . if only I could prove Simon’s innocence. If only he could return and we could be together.
We had forged a bond between us which it seemed could never be broken.
Lucas had shared that adventure with us but he was not involved as we were. Close as he had been to us during those days, he had never shared the secret and that set him apart. He was very perceptive. I often wondered whether he had guessed anything.
How many times a day I was on the point of pouring out my feelings to him . telling him everything!
He might have helped a great deal in solving the mystery. But dared I tell him?
And so I pondered and as each day drew to a close I knew that I could not go on in this way. I should have to make some decision sooner or later. Should I give up this quest which seemed hopeless? Should I return to Bloomsbury and let myself fall into Aunt Maud’s capable hands?
One of my greatest comforts was talking to Nanny Crockett. She was my strongest link with Simon. She loved him as, I admitted now, I did;
and that was a great bond between us.
She was a compulsive talker and the murder at Bindon Boys was as absorbing a topic to her as it was to me. As a matter of fact, she would return to the subject without my prompting her and gradually certain facts began to emerge which were of vital importance to me.
She even knew something about the Perrivale household at that time.
She said: “I used to go over now and then. That was just before it all blew up. You see, when the boys went to school I took a post in Upbridge … quite close really. A dear little thing she was . named Grace. I got very fond of her. She helped to make up a bit for the loss of my boy. Not that that was a dead loss. Simon wasn’t the sort to let that happen. He used to come over to see me and sometimes I’d go over to Perrivale and have a cup of tea with the housekeeper there, Mrs. Ford … she was a friend of mine. We’d always got on. She ran things over there … still does. Even got the butler under her thumb. She’s that sort of woman … good-hearted though … but knows how to keep things in order. Well, that’s what a housekeeper should do, I reckon. Not that I’d have had her interfering in the nursery. She never tried that on me … and we were the best of friends always … or almost always … and I’d be over there for a cup of tea and it was nice to catch up with the news.”