Ted and Israel had rounded up audio books, and tape cassettes, and fiction and non-fiction, and children's books, and reference works that should never have left the library in the first place, and they had a haul so big now it could have filled at least a few shelves in the mobile library, although, as it was, they were in carrier bags in the back of the van.
'What's the tally, Mr Tallyman?' asked Ted.
'Erm.' Israel consulted the tally book while Ted started singing.
'Come, Mr Tallyman, tally me bananas!'
'Ted! Ted!'
'What?'
'You're giving me a headache, Ted.'
'Aye. Right. Well. And the vice versa.'
'Anyway, the total for this week,' announced Israel wearily, reading from the tally book. 'Is four hundred and thirty-seven books, comprising fiction, non-fiction and children's titles; one hundred and twenty-two audio books; forty-two tape cassettes; five CD-ROMs; fourteen videos; an unbound set of last year's National Geographic magazine, and the Sopranos first series on DVD. God.'
'Aye, right, mind your language,' said Ted. 'How many's that leave us?'
'Erm. Hang on. Let me work it out.' Israel took a Biro and had a quick go at the sums.
'Come, Mr Tallyman…'
'Ted!'
'What?'
'Nothing. I think we're still missing about fourteen thousand.'
'It's a start,' said Ted.
'Yeah, well. It's only a start. There's only so many overdue books out there, Ted. We're never going to get them all back like this.'
'Ach, your glass always half empty, is it?'
'Yes, it is actually.'
'Then you need to learn to graze where you're tethered, but.'
'What?'
'It's a saying.'
'Right. Meaning?'
'We're doing what we can, and we're doing it methodo…'
'Methodically.'
'That's it.'
'It's not getting us very far, though, is it?'
'Ach, will you give over moaning? It's like throwing water over a dog.'
'What?'
'It's just a-'
'Saying, right. Well I'm just saying we're never going to get them all back like this. You know that and I know that. Someone's stolen the books. We need to find out who.'
'Aye, aye, right, but it's the weekend now, so you'll have to get back to your mysteryfying on Monday, Inspector Clouseau.'
'But-'
Ted turned up a lane.
'We just need to take a wee skite in here,' said Ted, ignoring Israel, as usual, 'see Dennis about the shelves, get her measured up, and then I'm away home. Friday's my night with the BB.'
'The who B?'
'Boys' Brigade.'
'Right. Sorry, I have absolutely no idea what that is, Ted-what is it, like an army or something?'
'Ach, where are you from, boy? It's like the Scouts, but, except more…'
'What? Gay?'
'Protestant.'
'Jesus.'
'Israel!'
'Sorry, Ted.'
'So anyway, you'll be doing the last call yerself. It's up by the Devines' there-if I drop you off you can walk down the wee rodden when you're done, sure. Bring you out by the big red barn.'
'Which big red barn?'
There were quite a lot to choose from round and about.
'The Devines' big red barn. "Awake To Righteousness Not Sin".'
'Oh, right, that big red barn, yes.'
Israel had quickly become accustomed to seeing walls and barns and signs painted with light-hearted biblical texts and evangelical appeals, which he'd found shocking at first, the reminder that 'Brief Life Here Is Our Portion', or that 'And After This, The Judgement', but you can get used to anything, it seems. He now found something of a comfort in the thought that all this was temporary.
'Yeah, that's fine,' said Israel, who had also become accustomed to agreeing eventually to whatever Ted suggested.
'Good. Dennis's first then.'
They drove up the long lane to a tall red-brick building, taller than it was wide, and which must have commanded fantastic views from the top.
'What's this place?' said Israel.
'Dennis's? It's the old water tower.'
'It's amazing.'
'It's an old water tower.'
'Towers are very important, you know, to the Irish imagination. I read a book once-'
'Ah'm sure. Well, I'll tell you what's important to this Irish imagination. Getting these shelves sorted and getting home for my tea.'
Ted pulled up the van and honked the horn.
A man appeared at an upper window of the tower.
'Dennis,' shouted Ted, getting out of the van.
'Ted,' shouted the man at the window, who was bearded, and probably about the same age as Israel and probably half his weight. He reappeared at the bottom of the tower a few minutes later.
'Dennis, Israel,' said Ted. 'Israel, Dennis.'
'Hello.'
'Pleased to meet you,' said Israel. Dennis seemed to be splattered all over with paint.
'Shelves for the library then, is it?' said Dennis, in businesslike fashion.
'Aye.'
'I'll need to measure her up.'
'Help yourself. Israel, open her up there for Dennis, will you?'
Israel and Dennis climbed into the back of the van.
'Where d'you want them?' asked Dennis.
'Down the sides, I suppose. I can ask Ted.' Israel stuck his head out of the window. 'Ted, where do we want the shelves?'
'Where d'you think, Einstein? On the ceiling?'
'Yeah, along the side,' said Israel to Dennis.
'Fine. Hold this then.' He gave Israel the end of his tape measure.
'How long have you been in this old game?' asked Israel, which was the question he asked everyone he didn't know what to say to.
'What game?'
'This, er, game. You know, erm…'
'I'm not.'
'What?'
'I just do it on the side, like. Bend down,' said Dennis. 'Lovely.'
Ted appeared at the front of the van, smoking.
'Garden's looking well for the time of year, Dennis.'
'Aye.'
'Leeks and potatoes, is it?'
'Aye.'
'What's your day job then?' asked Israel.
'I'm a painter.'
'Oh, that's handy. You can do the joinery then and the painting and decorating?'
'No,' said Dennis, unimpressed. 'I'm an actual painter.'
'He does portraits and everything,' explained Ted.
'Oh, gosh. Sorry,' said Israel.
'He's been to college and everything,' said Ted. 'Where was that place you went? He'll know. He's from England.'
'It's a big place, England,' said Israel, laughing. 'There's a lot of colleges.'
'The Royal Academy,' said Dennis.
'Oh. Right. Yes.'
'Other side then,' said Dennis, and they moved to the other side of the van to start measuring.
'You heard of that?' asked Ted.
'Yes. Yes. That's quite famous,' said Israel.
'Bend down.'